No, I hadn’t forgot the deal I’d made. In any case, I imagined the devil didn’t let you forget your deals, which was why Zero was at my doorstep. “I’ve had some family troubles. My daddy died,” I tried to explain. In reality, it wasn’t Daddy’s death that was causing me such intense, agonizing heartache.
?
?Are you dying?” Zero asked.
I was a bit stunned. “No.”
“Then I’ll see you tomorrow.” Zero walked away without another word. I watched him amble down the wooden steps of my house, which were desperately in need of repair. Weeds, tree roots, and dandelions were breaking through the wood, causing the steps to sit at odd angles. Nevertheless, Zero walked with unnerving ease.
I went back inside, passing Mama along the way, her stare unwavering. “Who was that?”
Again, Mama’s question caught me off guard and I had to backtrack. I paused in the doorway, hand on the empty frame. Years ago Daddy had removed all the doors in the house, even the ones in the bathroom. Privacy was the devil’s weapon.
“I’m sorry Mama, I didn’t catch that.”
Head turned slightly, so that her ear was pressed against the chair, she asked, “Who was at the door, baby?”
“No one, Mama. Just a neighbor child.” Mama seemed satisfied at that, and turned back to staring at the wall. I stayed in place a while longer, wondering what could have possessed her to suddenly start talking after weeks of quiet. In the end I didn’t find an answer.
I numbly sorted Zero’s drugs. He sold marijuana and meth. I guessed those were the biggest sellers in our county. I thought I overheard one of his guys talking about how he sold different drugs in different cities, but I couldn’t be sure. I wasn’t exactly employee of the month there.
Since working for Zero I’d lowered Eli’s debt from twenty grand to a resounding nineteen point five. After Zero had showed up at my house, I’d gone to the warehouse and had been working non-stop. Non-stop, yet I’d only put a five hundred dollar dent in the debt. I felt like a slave in my own town.
My job wasn’t to sell drugs, since after the initial “trial run” I proved to be much better at organizing and maintaining the supply. I loaded the drugs into the correct boxes, kept the right numbers for the right routes, and kept the inventory. If some of the inventory went missing, they knew who to blame: me.
It was nearing two in the morning and I hadn’t had a break in over six hours. My bladder was threatening mutiny. I took a saran-wrapped case of marijuana off the scale and headed toward the disgusting bathroom. There was only one bathroom in Zero’s warehouse, and he didn’t keep a cleaner. If I was lucky, there would be a roll of toilet paper I could line the seat with, though I would never use that toilet paper.
I passed Zero’s “office”, which was just four drywall sheets with no ceiling. I always felt a chill passing his office, as if it was haunted. I suppose it was haunted, haunted by him. I stepped up my pace, wanting to pass by quickly.
“What about Gracie?”
I stopped as the sound of my name escaped over the walls of Zero’s office. There were no windows, just grey, unpainted drywall and one door. He couldn’t see me standing outside, but I slowly crept against the end of the hallway, just in case.
“Fucking great,” I heard Zero respond. “Never had anything on that nigger anyway, then she shows up and offers to trade for his place. Almost makes me wish I sold sex.”
A laugh I recognized as coming from Zero’s second in command, Roy, bellowed above the walls.
“Probably a virgin, though,” Roy said.
“Even better,” Zero laughed. “People pay double for virgins.”
The doorknob to Zero’s office shimmied and I scurried back to my post. As I continued weighing and sorting the drugs, I felt like I was going to be sick. Burning bile crept up my throat, but I swallowed it back down when Zero and Roy walked past me.
They shared a smile with one another. Any other day I would have thought that the smile they shared was just them being their usual icky selves. Now I knew better. I knew the secrets they shared. I knew what the smile meant.
My hand shook as I sorted another pile of drugs.
Zero had nothing on Eli. He’d made up the twenty grand and lied to Eli about the proof of his illegal activity, too. Eli had been free from the beginning and I had willingly sold myself into slavery. Tears formed on my lids as I took stock of my situation. I didn’t want this to be my life. There was no getting out. Even if the stuff about Eli was made up, that didn’t make my situation less real. I would never be free.
I was so sick and tired of the town and its memories. I walked through the street and it was like walking through a graveyard. Every lamppost and tree was like a headstone. I saw Eli everywhere. The worst part was knowing that I’d done this to myself.
Maybe I should have fought harder for him. Maybe I should have told him that I’d lost our baby. Maybe he could have helped me through it all. I thought I was protecting Eli, but maybe I was just protecting myself.
Maybe.
My life was filled with what-ifs. That’s the terrible thing about life, though: there’s no roadmap. No how-to guide. If there was a way to do this thing without second-guessing, I hadn’t figured it out yet.
In any case, it was too late now. Eli had moved on. It was time for me to do the same.