The room was silent as everyone waited for me to elaborate. I was waiting for the same thing. My voice was caught in my throat, along with the memories that needed to surface in order to explain. I’d alluded to the notion that there was more than met the eye with Zero and me, but now I had to clarify.
“Gracie, you don’t need to say anything,” Eli said. He reached for my hand, but I held my palms flat. “It was so long ago and we were just kids. I was stupid but you still had the guts to leave.”
I closed my eyes tight, focusing on my breathing. I knew what Eli was referring to, but it wasn’t what I was talking about. He was thinking of the time we’d gone to Zero’s together. He’d taken me to show me his new job. I’d left because Zero had creeped me out.
Eli thought that was the only time I’d ever met Zero. Eli thought that because I’d let him think that.
It was easier that way.
Maybe if I stood there with my eyes closed a little bit longer I could let everyone continue to believe the lie.
“Grace?” Lennox prompted.
“I worked for Zero for a few months before and after Eli went to college. Until I left. Until I ran away.” My eyes were still closed. I didn’t want to see anyone’s faces. I didn’t want to see Vic’s I-told-you-so, because he had told me so—I had run away. I didn’t want to see Lennox’s pity.
I definitely didn’t want to see Eli. Whatever was on his face, I couldn’t handle.
I let out all the breaths I was holding and opened my eyes, facing my audience. My judges. “I only dealt once, as a sort of rite of passage. After that I did mostly back room stuff, because I was better at it. I weighed the drugs, organized them, and stuff like that…”
Vic scoffed in reply.
“You don’t know what it was like!” I exclaimed, rounding on Vic. “What our town became.”
“You think it was some magical fucking fairytale when I was there?” Vic growled. “I didn’t deal drugs.”
“Don’t act like you’re Jesus, Vic,” Lennox said from her perch in the shadowy corner. “You’ve got just as many skeletons in your closet. Probably more.” Vic cast a sideways glance at Lennox, but she only shrugged.
“That’s different,” Vic remarked. “There’s no saving me.” Before anyone could say anything, Vic walked out of the room. His thunderous steps were heard like the crash of a judge’s mallet. The room fell into a cramped silence.
I had little time to reflect on Vic’s words because Eli quickly asked, “Why?”
“Because you needed to be free,” I whispered. “He wasn’t going to let you go.” I prayed he didn’t ask me to explain further. I didn’t want to go into how I’d had to meet Zero myself and practically beg him to let me take the debt, the debt that had turned out to be fiction.
“You had no right,” Eli responded, his voice dangerously soft.
“Eli—”
“We could have figured it out together!” Eli yelled, the soft cadence now replaced with booming thunder. His eyes were wide and angry, furious. I stepped back, but then he started to cough uncontrollably.
“Where’s your inhaler?” I asked, rubbing his back.
“I haven’t…” Eli said through pained breaths. “Had…to…use…it…in…years…” I rubbed Eli’s back in silence, getting him through his attack like I had when we were kids. Eventually, when his breathing evened out, I explained.
“There’s no figuring it out with Zero. I didn’t want to be his slave but it was better than you. You were going somewhere. You were doing something. Why can’t you see that?”
“Why can’t you see your potential?” Eli knocked my hand off his back and grabbed me by the shoulders. “Were you hit so many times that it bruised your soul?” I choked on my breath, tears stinging my eyes. I looked away so he couldn’t see my eyes reddening, but he kept me in his hold. I felt the harsh bruise of his fingers digging into my skin, and I could feel his eyes practically burning a hole into my cheek.
“Eli,” Lennox warned. “I think it’s time you leave.” I’d forgotten Lennox was in the room, having assumed she’d left with Vic, but when her sharp, steely voice cut in, I couldn’t have been more thankful. Eli let go of me and I stumbled back, feet unsure of themselves. After a few moments of tense silence, Eli released a breath that nearly sounded like a growl and left. As he walked out the door, his body was so tight I could see every muscle and sinew. When he was gone, I fell to the ground.
“Can I get you anything?” Lennox offered, lightly touching me on the shoulder.
I shook my head. “I just need to be alone.”
After sitting alone in my new room for thirty minutes, I walked into the living room of Vic and Lennox’s apartment, feeling bruised. I felt worse than when Daddy would become enraged with me because he would forget where he was and thought I was someone trying to hurt him. On those days I was lucky if I could walk away. After those days, I would have bruises that were deep purple for weeks.
Now I felt like my heart wa
s bruised a deep purple. Maybe Eli was right, maybe my soul was bruised. Growing up with Daddy, I’d learned to look for the signs of healing in my and Mama’s bruises. If they weren’t getting ugly and yellow, that meant they needed to be seen by a doctor. A bruise that stays blue or gets black isn’t healing. You want an ugly bruise.