“I’m fine.”
“What did I say, Bug? No more hiding your pain.”
I stopped packing and looked Eli straight in the eye. “Of course I’m not okay. I haven’t called Mama once since moving out here. I just figured I’d have more time with her. And now she’s dead.” I looked away and shoved another pair of underwear in my small backpack.
“She’d understand,” Eli said, reaching for me. I shoved him off. Mama hadn’t exactly been mentally present when I’d left, but that didn’t matter. I’d just figured that once I left, things would be better. For everyone. Mama was that little niggling thought in the back of my brain that existed but I never let myself acknowledge. Sort of how when you say you’re gonna stop eating cookies and you know it’s a lie, but you never ever admit that to yourself.
I’d thought that when I got to know Vic we would be a family, and eventually I’d go back and get Mama, and then we would all be happy. Together.
But now—I shoved another piece of clothing, making sure it really felt my wrath—now she was dead. She didn’t get to experience any happiness. She’d lived miserable and died alone. The last thing she’d seen was her daughter leaving.
“God dammit!” I screamed into the small apartment. Eli came up and wrapped his arms around me. I wriggled against his hold, fighting the warmth he gave me. “Don’t touch me!” I cried and screamed. “Don’t fucking touch me Eli Jackson.” I heaved and sobbed, eventually falling into his grasp.
“It’s not fair.”
“I know it isn’t, but I’m here,” Eli murmured into my hair. “We’ll get through this.”
“No!” I pushed Eli off me. “It’s not fair to her! What kind of life is that, Eli? To live and die in that house. At least I have you. She had…”
“She had you.”
I laughed bitterly. “Right. She had me. And I left…” I heaved a sigh, my emotions too much to process. “I need to finish packing.”
“No you don’t.” Eli ripped the backpack from my grasp. “You can take a minute. You can breathe.”
I reached for the backpack brokenly, arms heavy with sorrow. “No I can’t!”
“Is the funeral tomorrow or something?” Eli snapped.
“Don’t you get it?” My arms dropped. Giving up on retrieving my backpack, I sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m her only kin. It’s just me. I plan the funeral. I box up her life. Me.”
“No. Not just you.” Eli placed my backpack back on the bed and proceeded to pack for me. I watched with apathetic interest as he shoved the last of my clothes into the bag. “We plan the funeral. We box up her life. And Vic. Are you forgetting about him?”
Oh. My heart sank again. I had forgotten about him. I rubbed my forehead with the palm of my hand, trying to smooth out the problems beneath the surface. I needed to tell him the news. How would he react? Would he even care? It had been almost two decades since he’d seen her last.
But she was his mother too.
“I’ll go tell him,” I said, my entire being anesthetized by circumstance.
Eli stood up. “I’ll come with you.” I put my hand out to stop him.
“I think this is something I should do on my own.”
“I’ll be right here, then,” Eli said. He looked like a soldier preparing for duty next to my backpack. “I’ll clean up, make sure everything is good before we go.”
“You’re too good,” I muttered.
“You’re better, Gracie. Don’t you ever forget that.”
I stared at the black wooden door, my hand curled, ready to knock. Only weeks before I had been in the exact same position, homeless and without any clue what lay ahead. Now I had a home and almost everything I’d ever wanted. It all felt so precarious, like just the slightest breeze (or knock) could cause it all to come crashing down.
&n
bsp; “One thing, Lennox! One goddamn thing!” I brought my hand back as the words came tumbling through the wood. Vic and Lennox were fighting again. I was frozen, paralyzed by the news I needed to bring them yet couldn’t because it wasn’t the right time. It would never be the right time, but I felt like I had to get the news out of me for my sake, so I stayed, hoping they would finish soon.
“Are you fucking kidding me, Vic?” Lennox’s voice sounded indignant even muffled through the wood. “One thing? Maybe one thing out of one hundred things!”
“Take your goddamn pills!” I shuddered at Vic’s harsh voice. “I won’t be your doctor or your babysitter. I won’t watch your life crumble to pieces.”