Squared Away (Out of Uniform 5)

Chapter Twenty-Five

Mark’s heart clattered like he’d taken an intracardiac injection of adrenaline—a freaky, frantic beat like he was finally back to life after being a goner, but his body had yet to figure out how to behave.

“Excuse me? You want to what?” Isaiah’s eyes were bugging out, which was pretty much as Mark had expected. “This is even crazier than your plan with the house. I’ll be fine. My dad’s house is pretty big. It’s time it was a home again too. And all I really need from you is that letter. We’ll be fine.”

Yeah, well, I won’t be. Mark made a frustrated noise. “This isn’t me wanting to be the protector.”

“Oh?” Isaiah didn’t sound like he believed him at all.

“It’s about wanting to be a team. A partnership. A family. If the court looks at us and sees that, sees a family here, there’s no way they’re not siding with us. We’re stronger together.”

“So what? This is a marriage of convenience? For the sake of the kids and the court case?” Isaiah scoffed. Crap. Mark really had his work cut out for him. He’d thought Isaiah might agree with him about stronger together, but instead he did all but roll his eyes. “Sorry. Not interested. Dude. You do realize that you can’t tell people you’re only doing this as a thing of convenience, right? People are going to assume we’re a couple. Like a real couple.”

“I know.”

“Your team would know. The military’s not going to let you go and get married without a shit ton of paperwork, I’m sure. Our mutual friends aren’t going to keep quiet about it either. And as you’ve already seen, strangers peg us as a same-sex family. You slap a ring on it, that’s only getting worse. I get you wanting to go all white knight and save the day, but honestly, Mark, and no offense to your considerable tactical skills, but you haven’t thought this through.”

“I have too.” Now Mark was mildly insulted. “I want them to read us as a couple. Bring on the friends. I’ll deal with my team. I want us to be a couple. A real couple. I want us to try.”

After he’d left Bacon and driven home, he’d thought and thought about what he really wanted in life, what taking his shot would really mean. What it would mean to leave no chips on the table. But Isaiah was still shaking his head.

“There’s a huge leap between ‘we should try again’ and ‘hey let’s get married.’ I’m supposed to be the reckless, spontaneous one, not you.”

“So. Be reckless with me.” Even though his heart hadn’t slowed down one bit, Mark gave him his best shot at a smile.

“No.” Isaiah scooted away. “I can’t. I’m sorry. You fucking hurt me when you pushed me away. When you denied us being anything. When you told me to wait while you figured out whether we were anything of value, anything worth keeping. That hurt. I was ready to be all in then, and you put the brakes on. More than once. How am I supposed to believe that won’t happen again?”

“It won’t. I promise—”

“Not good enough. How am I supposed to believe that you won’t push me away when things get hard? That you won’t go into protector mode again? You tell me you’ve got trust issues, well me too, buddy. Me too. Take a number. How am I supposed to trust you when you cracked my heart in two and acted like you couldn’t give a shit?”

“I hurt you. I know. I was having a hard time finding courage—”

“You’re a fucking SEAL, not the cowardly lion. Maybe you didn’t want to look for your courage. Maybe you didn’t want me enough. And that’s okay. That’s your right. Maybe I’m just not the one for you. Go forth and find that person. But when I get married, I’m going to be enough for someone. I’m going to be everything for them. They’ll put me first, because I deserve that. They’ll treat me like an equal. And they sure as hell won’t suggest getting married as a legal convenience.”

“You are enough. And actually, you deserve better than me.” He paused, but Isaiah only nodded and crossed his arms, so Mark scrambled to keep going. “You’re the one. The one for me. I told Bacon about us tonight. Told him that you’re my person.”

“You came out to Bacon?” Isaiah’s arms uncrossed, but he didn’t look any closer to a yes.

“I did. And I’ll tell the rest of our friends too. I want to tell the world you’re my person. I want to do this, not because it will impress the court or because it’s a convenience, but because it’s reckless and impulsive and I love you and you’re it for me. The one. I knew you might be the one six years ago, but you were eight-fucking-teen and I told that part of my brain to zip it, but I’ve never felt like this about anyone else. No one. I don’t want to find someone else. You’re it.”