Squared Away (Out of Uniform 5)

Isaiah licked his lips. “Back that up a second. That’s a lot of words.”

“I know. I kind of got going—”

“I noticed.” Isaiah gave a dry laugh. “But let me catch up for a second. It’s reckless and impulsive and you...”

“I love you.”

“Really? Since when?”

“I wish I could tell you when it happened. Might have been when I took you along to the tux shop and you were so damn excited about college and I wanted to harness all your energy and enthusiasm, have a little for me. Might have been when you asked me to teach you to dance, so brash. Or maybe it was later. Maybe it was my first morning here when you made me coffee without asking, and I saw you wearing the baby in the pack and I just...my heart knew.”

“It did, huh?” Isaiah was maddeningly vague, face still unreadable, so Mark plowed ahead.

“I wish I had some romantic story for you about the moment our eyes met. But that’s not how I work. We connected all those years ago, and my heart never dropped that connection, and then I went through this thing with you. We went to war with grief together. That... I don’t know...bonded us. Same as me and my teammates with a hard mission, but different because it was you, and my heart was involved in new ways.”

“As far as romantic stories go, that’s not terrible.” Isaiah gave him the barest hint of a smile.

“I’m not sure at what point in the whole thing I fell in love, just that I was, and it was like I always had been. And it terrified me. The control thing. I couldn’t be sure I wouldn’t lose you. So I tried to deny my feelings.”

“How’d that work out for you?”

“Terrible. And I hurt you. I was afraid to lose you, and then I lost you anyway. I was so afraid you’d move on, leave me behind, that I wouldn’t be enough for you, but in the end it was me who pushed you away, me who wasn’t enough.”

“You would have been enough. You, Mark. Not Wizard. Not some perfect boyfriend you seem to think I want. Or need. All I ever really needed was you. You to love me. You to put me first. You to believe me when I say I care too.”

“Do you? Care too, I mean.”

It took centuries for Isaiah to nod. “You broke my heart. I loved you, and that love wasn’t enough.”

“I... I didn’t know.”

“I guess I could have told you, but you weren’t exactly making it easy to confess my feelings. And then you blindsided me with the court filings.”

“I should have told you. I could have done a way better job communicating.”

“A simple ‘hey, Isaiah, I’m kinda freaked out at what I’m feeling’ would have gone a long way. And add a ‘oh by the way I talked to a lawyer guy’ and we would have been in business.”

“I’m sorry. I fucked up. And I hurt you, which I never want to do again. But if I love you and you love me, don’t you think we owe it to the universe to try again? People don’t get what we found with each other every day. And we know better than most people how damn short life is. You don’t get infinite chances in this life, and I want to spend mine with you. I mean it, Ike. You’re my one.”

“It’s not just us. I want a family for the kids. I don’t want them yanked around, you change your mind, decide you don’t want the hassle—”

“You’re not a hassle. I’m sorry I made you feel like you were. I want a family more than anything. I want it with you. That’s why I want to get married now. I want to go into the court meeting as partners. No ‘Mark won’ or ‘Isaiah gets them’ but a real statement that we’re in this together. Forever. The five of us. It may have taken me a while to get my head out of my ass—”

“Not gonna argue with that.” Isaiah’s laugh this time was more genuine.

“But I’m in this now. When Bacon asked me if you were my person, I just...knew. Same as that day when I knew I was supposed to be a SEAL medic. You’re it for me. Forever. I can see us together, here if possible, raising the kids. I can see us after they grow up too. You’re just...my person. You’re always going to be, even if the answer here’s a no. You’ll still be my family. And I want you to be happy, whatever that means. I just hope that maybe it could be with me.”

Isaiah slid closer, and Mark’s heart lurched into his throat. He shut up, finally done with his verbal spew, not wanting to drive him away by saying the wrong words.