Strong Enough

“You can go up to bed, Maxim. I’ll clean up tomorrow.” Without giving him a chance to argue, I guided Carolyn out the front door and yanked it shut behind us. Guilt had me taking her hand as I led her down the porch steps and front walk.

“I had a great time tonight,” she said. “I loved meeting your sister and your friends.”

“I’m glad.”

“And Maxim is so interesting. It’s so nice what you’re doing for him.”

“It’s nothing.”

When we reached her Audi, she let go of my hand and took out her keys. I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and stuck my hands in my pockets.

“Derek,” she said, and I could hear the puzzle in her voice, “is everything going okay for you? With us, I mean?”

“Of course it is.” I lied, but I lied for her sake. Okay, for both our sakes. But I didn’t want to hurt her feelings with words that wouldn’t make sense to her, and I didn’t want to give up on myself yet. I could still beat whatever this was inside me. I knew I could. But not tonight. “I’m just tired.”

“Okay.” She didn’t sound sure of it. “I just want to make sure. Sometimes tonight it seemed like it was, but other times, it felt off. And I’m not rushing you or anything. I just don’t want to waste your time—or mine. If this isn’t going anywhere, I want to know.”

“I understand,” I said quietly. Closing my eyes, I exhaled and offered her something closer to the truth. “I’m going through something right now, and I feel a little off. I get like this sometimes. Where I don’t feel like myself.”

“Is it…depression?” she asked tentatively.

“No. I don’t think so. It’s more like…anxiety or something. I get anxious about things and have to work them out before I can move on.”

“Oh.” She smiled hopefully. “Can I help you in any way?”

“You’re sweet, but no. It’s something I have to do on my own.”

“What do you do?” she asked, then she shook her head. “I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer that. It’s none of my business.”

“It’s okay. There’s no magic bullet or anything. I just try to step back and give it time. Make sure my priorities are straight. Re-evaluate my goals in life. Remind myself what’s important.”

“I think everybody should step back and do that s

ometime. Myself included.”

“I can give you some space if you need it.”

“No. That’s okay. I’ve thought about you a lot, Derek. And I’ve thought about what I want in a relationship a lot. I really like you, but I’m looking for a commitment. Not a ring or anything, but a commitment. Because that’s what would make me happy, and I deserve to be happy.” She smiled. “It took me three years of therapy to say that. How’d I do?”

I smiled, although I felt horrible inside. “Great. And it’s true. You deserve to be happy.”

She grinned. “Thank you. It made me happy when you held my hand tonight at the table.”

“Good.” Jesus fuck, I was a dick. “Night.”

“Night.” She got into her car, and I watched her drive away before turning around and trudging up the sidewalk toward home. I felt like shit. I felt like a failure. I felt like everything I had planned for my life was slipping through my grasp, and it was my own fucking fault. I couldn’t even blame Maxim. I was struggling with myself long before I’d ever laid eyes on him. Being around him just made it worse.

You’d better be upstairs already, Maxim. You’d better be out of sight, asleep, behind a closed door. I can’t fight myself anymore tonight.

I let myself into the house and locked the door behind me. Right away I heard the clank of dishes and the kitchen sink running. Fuck, he’s still down here. Taking a deep breath, I squared my shoulders and tried to put the mask back on before walking back to the kitchen.

As soon as I saw him, it started to slip.

He was at the sink, washing the remaining dishes. I went straight for the whiskey bottle and threw back a shot. “Didn’t I tell you to go to bed?”

“You did, but I knew you weren’t really going to go to bed without cleaning up.”

“Oh yeah? How’d you know that?” I tossed back a couple more fingers, taking solace in the fiery warmth pouring down my throat, spreading through my chest.