Illusions That May (Court High 2)

But Paige was his best friend, all this really important.

My finger hovering, I wondered if all this was an excuse, that he couldn’t deal with this and just didn’t want to say. When my mom died, I hadn’t even been able to look into the casket, all of it too painful even at the age I’d been.

Royal: Em?

Me: I’m here. Just disappointed. Paige would have wanted you here.

Royal: I will be. Just not for the service and the burial. The guys will be there, though, and I won’t miss the reception. I fucking promise.

Why did it feel so good to know they’d all be coming down? Royal, Jax, LJ, and even the near silent Knight had somehow become my family when they’d been my sister’s. They’d be a buffer with all this bullshit. They’d be my family.

I started to type something, saying I missed him, but then backtracked. I didn’t want to sound as desperate as I felt.

Me: Good. I’m glad.

Royal: You’ll be okay. I’ll make sure of it, Em.

He felt he had so much power in things he had no control over, his position at school and in Maywood Heights making him think so. I’d seen firsthand how the beautiful boy with green eyes even made adults submit in his wake, my dad included. I texted Royal a few more things about the location of the service arrangements and where I was staying. I knew he was aware of most of that since he got an invitation, but just in case he could get here sooner, I wanted him to have the details. After we were done, a flood of text messages coming in let me know my texts were finally catching up with me now that I was on the ground. I had my phone on airplane mode when I’d been in the air.

Birdie: How are you doing, friend?

I’d gotten similar contact from other connections I’d made in Maywood Heights. I didn’t make a whole lot of them, but Birdie and the Windsor Prep female basketball team had been a few. Kiki and Shakira, Birdie’s other friends and teammates on the team, reached out to me too. They were all supposed to be coming down for my sister’s service, the beauty of going to a school full of rich kids. I had no idea who’d all be showing up to this thing, but considering Maywood Heights seemed to be all about making statements with one’s money and influence, I was sure the guest list would be extensive.

Me: I’ve been better. Miss you guys.

Birdie: We miss you too. Hang in there, and we’re here for you. Just know that when you make it back home, you have friends.

Home. I didn’t know where that was for me at the present, and I stood, facing the window. I was on the ground, and my aunt and dad were still going at it inside.

Who knew if they even knew I was gone?

Five

December

So the next few days were the worst. If not the worst of my entire goddamn life. They were full of traditions and bullshit adults made us do for appearances and other crap. I had to be present. I had to watch as my sister’s remains arrived in a box and were passed around like it was just an urn and not a person in there. I had to submit and sit there for decisions that were made around me, things that didn’t matter like what flowers looked good where and if the music would be right for that particular point in the service. I had to sit and stay silent. I had to keep my mouth shut, and not once had I been asked about what I thought about any of it. No one asked what Paige would think about any of it either, the service a perfect replica of our late mother’s. I mean, down to the damn decorations on the pews. They kept a picture of my sister in the front of the church, her urn right in front of it. She’d been wearing her lacrosse uniform, the urn shiny and polished before they placed it in the ground. I hadn’t gotten close to it, unable to do so. Instead, I took my seat at the back of the church the day of. I stayed there while everything happened around me all morning. At one point, my aunt discovered me, but I told her I wasn’t moving. I couldn’t get any closer.

I couldn’t see my sister that way.

Closing off, I held my body as that church filled up, people from both my past and present filtering in. Some of my old friends had showed, ones from my old life and this place. Of course they found me, gave me hugs, and condolences, but I hadn’t given them much back. When I didn’t, they went about their way, blending into the crowd, and soon, I didn’t even have to be a part of the condolences. The crowds hid me. I blended into the scenery of the floral arrangements and beautiful music, a statement piece like the rest of it all.

I wished this goddamn thing was over.

It didn’t seem to end, so many people around me and not one of them I wanted to see. The one person I did want to see wasn’t here, and ultimately, Jax, Knight, and LJ arrived by themselves when they came into the wide church. Royal wasn’t with them at all, unable to make it like he said. I figured once the guys found me they’d come over, and they did spot me, Jax first. I rose up, happy to see at least them, but then something weird happened. Almost automatically, Jax started to come over.

But LJ held him back.

He physically put a hand on his chest, speaking to him lightly. After that, Jax simply nodded at me, the other two as well, before going to the front of the church. I didn’t know what that was about, sitting down, but figured maybe they knew I was hiding in the back for a reason.

Yeah, that has to be it.

It was the only thing that made sense, and I watched the boys, the guys heading up to the front. They stood as a line, just staring at my sister’s picture. They wouldn’t look at her urn at all, a lot like me, and eventually, Jax wasn’t having any more of it. He turned away, and when he did, the other guys went with him. That almost got me, watching LJ put a hand to the jokester’s shoulder and rub when they took their seats. LJ himself held up his head, and turning, Knight spoke to Jax. Almost right away, Jax shook it off, sitting tall too. Boys, they probably didn’t want to show a lot of emotion, even for their good friend.

I swallowed, trying to be happy about the fact they left me to my peace. That’s what I wanted after all, seclusion, so I stayed put while I got it. I continued to people watch, and soon, more of my people came into the room, Birdie, Shakira, and Kiki. All tall, they elevated above the crowd, and Kiki, her dark hair flowing down her back like a cloak, gestured the group my way. She looked lovely, they all did in their black cocktail dresses, and I wore something similar. The only difference was I wore my hair down, deliberate and wavy to hide my face. Shakira had the most unique style, her hair in thick braids, while Birdie wore a bun within her dark hair. Birdie led the party over, and when she did, the hugs were nonstop. They each took a turn, and after, Birdie sat next to me.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hi,” I returned, my mouth dry. I think they were the first words I’d said in quite a bit of time. I had no desire, no strength, and I think the girls quickly figured that out.