Surrender to Love

He had made as if to rise, dusting his hands off, but now he stiffened before saying in a positively dangerous voice, “And you have caused me to ruin my favorite pair of boots, which not only meant a great deal to me but were probably worth at least ten times more than an old-fashioned rag short enough to show your ankles.”

“Rag indeed! What would a...a barbarian like you know about fashion? And as for your silly old boots, I don’t give a fig for them, since it was your fault entirely! And what’s more, you don’t know how silly you look right now with only one boot on and the other off...and...and as for my showing my ankles, why you sound exactly like Mrs. Langford, you...you hypocrite! Or do you think by attacking me, to make excuses for your own despicable behavior? And what right do you have to judge? I came here to meet Lord Charles, and that cannot be any concern of yours, surely, nor any reason for you to try to force me to submit to your crude advances! And then, when I disappointed your expectations by attempting to resist, you...you would have drowned me if you could! Oh...there are no words vile enough to describe you, believe me. And as for...” Since he had surprisingly remained silent throughout her tirade despite the tension Alexa ‘could sense in him, she paused only long enough to take a gulping breath before sweeping on scornfully: “And where is your cousin, I wonder? Is it a habit of his to plead for private conversation, giving his word as a gentleman, and then send you in his place? Is it an evil game the two of you play, senor, because your manners are too crude and too abrupt for most feminine sensibilities? To think that you spoke to me once of honesty and directness...!”

His voice cut through her accusing speech like a steel blade, silencing her in spite of herself. “Enough, Miss Howard! You should learn not to belabor a subject once you’ve made your point. Ah yes—like a veritable Portia, your eloquence has touched even my black villain’s heart, I must admit; and because of it I must confess that when I left poor Charles he was quite drunk and snoring loudly! There was a party at an officer’s mess we were both invited to, and I must admit I encouraged him to drink far more than he could hold. And then I went so far as to have him carried back to the ship and given a nightcap that should keep him sound asleep until late afternoon—by which time I expect we’ll be well out to sea.” Ignoring Alexa’s gasp of outrage, he continued ironically: “And since you have succeeded in moving me to honesty, Miss Howard—or may I call you Alexa, since we have come to know each other so well?—I found that once I had disposed of Cousin Charles I had time on my hands, you see, and I felt it a great pity that you should be kept waiting out here alone, with your little heart all aflutter in your pretty bosom.”

As Nicholas had anticipated when he began prodding at her simmering temper, she lunged at him like a maddened mountain lion, all claws, her teeth showing too, as she spat, “You cruel... devil! By what right...”

Poised and ready for her, Nicholas trapped both her wrists with ease, forcing her backward in spite of her struggles and leaning the weight of his body over hers so that she could not wriggle free nor escape from hearing what else he had to tell her. Ignoring her gasps that sounded almost like sobs and the way her head tossed back and forth, he grated between his teeth: “By what right, did you say? By God, if you didn’t have such a vicious temper you’d remember that Charles and I are relat

ed and have become quite well acquainted these past few months. And you might also have asked yourself how I came to know just where and when you two young lovers had planned to meet!” Still holding her arms pinioned above her head, Nicholas felt the sudden stiffening of all her limbs as he went on harshly: “You did ask for honesty, did you not? And perhaps it is time you learned that the truth is not always pleasant to hear, besides being twice as hard to swallow. If it’s any consolation to you, Charles was, in fact, quite taken with you—to the point of infatuation, as I’m sure I mentioned earlier. But you must also understand that like many other young men, Charles makes a habit of falling in and out of love quite often—and sometimes, so his parents warned me, with the most unsuitable females.”

Alexa had, while he was speaking, ceased her frenzied struggles and her efforts to interrupt; but now, sensing a fresh revolt, Nicholas added harshly: “There’s no need to act offended, I assure you! For in your case I happened to develop the mistaken notion that perhaps you were not aware of the plans Charles had for you. Did you know, Alexa? Or did you imagine that it would be a great adventure to be carried off on horseback and smuggled aboard a ship bound for England? Did he promise to have you fashionably gowned and dripping with jewels so that he could show you off to his friends? Well? Is that the extent of your ambition? It’s your turn for honesty now, I think—that is, if you are capable of such a thing.”

In a cold little voice that took him slightly aback she said: “Why is it that you seem impelled to snarl at me and insult me at every turn? If you had only let me I would have answered you before. Because of course I had no idea that Lord Charles planned to try and elope with me; and even if he had asked me to I would have refused, in spite of the jewels and fashionable gowns he might have offered me. I would have insisted, if he was serious, that he must speak to my father as well as to my dearest Uncle John, who understands me better than anyone in the world. But I do not think that I am quite ready to be married yet, even if Aunt Harriet keeps telling me I should be... And what have I said this time to make you laugh in that ugly, evil fashion?”

“Oh, Christ! Did I laugh? If I did it must have been because I am all the things you’ve called me, as well as being a confirmed skeptic, and that is why I can hardly believe you did not understand what I meant when I... Or could it be that you are trying to have a joke at my expense? Pure little Alexa, who would battle to the death to save her virtue. But why no pistol to protect yourself tonight?”

“Because this gown has no pocket large enough and I had no load for it!” The words slipped out involuntarily, and Alexa could have bitten her tongue when he laughed shortly in the same nasty manner once more. She snapped, “If you are quite done with laughing at everything I say, I wish that you would let me up. You’re hurting my wrists, besides being so heavy that I can hardly breathe!”

“Ah, sweet Alexa, now you hurt my feelings. Must I pretend to be sorry that I’m lying over you? Such a sweet pillow your lovely body makes. Why, I could lie on you and in you for hours on end if you would only let me— which is also exactly what Charles wanted.”

“Stop talking in that silky-nasty, hypocritical tone of voice! And I don’t understand anything you’re saying and I feel stifled besides!” Trying to cover her disquiet with a petulant tone of voice, Alexa eyed him warily. What cruel game was he indulging in this time? She was, by now, only too aware of her complete vulnerability to his strength, and even being found out by Mrs. Langford seemed infinitely preferable at this moment to being held captive by a savage Spaniard who possessed neither decency nor conscience.

“You do not understand anything, you say? Then perhaps I should be more direct, in order to make sure that you do, and so that there can be no further misunderstanding. You see, my dear, Charles never wanted you for his wife. Wives, in his circles, are carefully chosen from the right families, and such matches are usually made with the idea of breeding sons to carry on the family line and bear the title; whereas mistresses on the other hand... Among his friends a man is admired for the beauty and dash of the mistress he keeps and the style in which he keeps her; and in some ways I suppose a mistress is one of the more cherished of a man’s possessions until he decides he is tired of her, or she decides to move on to greener pastures. I wonder if I have managed to make myself plain enough, or would you prefer that I elaborate further?” In spite of Alexa’s violent head-shake he seemed almost obsessed with the need to go on tormenting her, adding to the agony of shamed degradation that tore at her already frayed nerves. She heard his harsh voice continue almost tauntingly: “You know, come to think of it, you’re pretty enough and have a magnificent figure, so that I cannot really blame Charles for wanting to carry you off with him to London! With a little town polish and a few lessons you could probably soon have your pick of wealthy protectors—unless you continue to be naive enough to set your sights so high as to entertain the notion that one of them might actually marry you. But you seem to be a clever enough wench when you use your head. You had Charles persuaded that you are actually a virgin, you know. He enjoys deflowering virgins—‘breaking them in’ he calls it. I wonder how long you would have been able to keep up a pretense of shy, untarnished virtue within the close quarters of his cabin?”

“Oh please! Please—you’ve said quite enough!” Alexa whispered in a tortured voice, turning her head aside so that he could not see the sheen of tears that filmed her eyes.

“Have I? Perhaps you’re right, for there are some occasions when sparring words and playacting only waste time that could be spent much more pleasurably.” Although his voice had softened and become almost teasing, Alexa suddenly found herself seized by a feeling of unreasoning terror when she felt his body move over hers in a subtly different way from before. It was as if he was fitting himself to her—cunningly making her all too aware of the shape and feel and contours of his body, of its hardness and its strength, so that she felt as if there was not one inch of her body that was not touched by his and possessed by his. Possessed? Dear God—after everything he had said, had accused her of, had insinuated; now this ultimate humiliation as well, of being treated like...like a...

“Don’t... don’t!” Alexa moaned before she summoned up enough strength to blurt out with desperate defiance: “If you do not let me go this instant I swear that I will denounce you! I’ll tell my uncle—tell the Governor himself, if I have to—that it was you who enticed me here in order to take advantage of me! I’ll—why, it will be quite obvious to anyone that I tried to resist you! And I’ll tell them, too, how you tried to drown me in order to keep me silent. I...”

“Before or after?” The lazily drawled question, delivered in a tone of mild curiosity, took Alexa so much aback that she found herself stammering.

“What? What do you mean?”

“Am I supposed to have attempted to drown you before or after I took advantage of you? And how will you explain being alive to tell your pitiful tale?” She could have sworn that he was laughing at her again— damn him!— before he shook his head and added in a hatefully condescending voice: “I’m surprised that you could not do better, you know. Up until now you struck me as being a most resourceful young woman, quite used to nocturnal expeditions on your own where most females would swoon at the very idea. Surely you can think of something more dramatic? For instance, that I had, since our first moon bathed meeting, become so enamored of you that I deliberately arranged to take my cousin’s place tonight in order to...” Bending his head, his lips brushed hers with a teasing lightness before he continued softly, “To kiss you again and find out if your lips were still as soft as I remembered and to...”

“No...” Alexa’s despairing whisper was lost under the gently exploring caress of his lips, which seemed to plant a myriad kisses as light as the brush of a butterfly’s wing on her trembling mouth—from the arch of her upper lip to the fullness of the lower, and then to the very corners of her mouth and back as he whispered between kisses: “And to discover if I—wou

ld still want you— dulce Alexa—as much as I did that first night—and the second— and that I found you just as irresistible and desirable— and—you had better stop squirming under me in that suggestive fashion or be answerable for the consequences.”

“Please, you mustn’t! You’re... Don’t make me... I don’t want to....” Why must he continue to kiss her? Not only her mouth but the tip of her nose, her chin, her damp cheeks and the very spot where her dimple showed when she smiled. And back to linger over her mouth, silencing her last, despairing protests with a kiss that was no longer light but fiercely demanding.

I’m lost! A small voice cried in the furthest reaches of her mind. Ah, it’s too late now and I can’t help myself. I...“want,” he had said. What had he meant? What was this strange, helpless feeling of... Alexa had not been aware that her wrists had finally been freed until she felt the muscles in her arms begin to ache when she lifted them to clasp them about his neck. It didn’t matter, when overriding everything else was the warm, tingling feeling that made her breath come shortly and her heart pound as his hands touched her body—moved over her flesh; each movement a lingering caress as he leaned over her.

“Oh God, you wild witch of the sea, how I want you!” Somehow his impatient hands had freed both her breasts now and he made the words sound almost like an oath before he bent his head to kiss each peak in turn until Alexa felt as if she could not bear any more—and would not be able to bear it if he stopped. “Have I made you want me too, little firebrand?” Alexa hardly realized what he was saying as she felt his warmly caressing fingers on her leg, pushing up her wet gown to above her thigh before sliding down to stroke, very gently and unhurriedly, up and down the length of her inner thigh, from just above her knee to... She should stop him, but she didn’t want to any longer. “I want you to want me as strongly, and as achingly, and as unreasoningly—damn you—as I want you! Do you understand what I am saying yet? Can you?”

Biting off his own forced-out words, Nicholas fastened his mouth over hers again as he felt her body begin to arch and shudder while she moaned uncontrollably; her fingers almost clawing at his back as she clutched at him fiercely. She wanted to scream, and she wanted to go on and on, wanted him to keep touching her in that particular way in that particular... wanted! Feeling his tongue begin probing her mouth as he kissed her in almost the same way as his finger had begun, very gently, very slowly, to probe inside her.

Lost to everything but feeling and the sudden heat that seemed to spread all over her body, Alexa offered no resistance and no protest as the first slight discomfort she had experienced soon passed and she arched her hips up almost demandingly against his hand. Her head was flung back now as her whole body became rigid, seeming to vibrate from within as ripple after ripple of sensation grew and grew and became more intense each second while she made gasping, incoherent sounds in her throat.

What a contradictory creature she was, Nicholas thought, kissing the sweet arch of her throat and feeling the tiny pulse that throbbed beneath his lips. All fire and fury one moment, then wildly, passionately responsive the next. Clinging to him and pressing her body eagerly up to his in wanton invitation almost as fiercely as she had clawed and kicked at him before; her thighs parting easily to make way for him now as he felt her open like a tightly budded flower under his hand. Ready for him at last—and God, how much he wanted her! It was, by now, as if he needed to bury himself in her, feeling the heat and the tightness of her close around him, before the quick, convulsive contractions when she... Damn the troublesome encumbrance of breeches! He wanted her badly, wanted to take her now. She was so velvety-soft and so tight in there, almost as if she was still a... And then, while a disbelieving voice in his mind kept saying, “no, dammit to hell, no!” his exploring fingers encountered an unexpected barrier to any further pleasurable exploration. Or to anything else, for that matter, unless he forgot himself sufficiently to make short work of her offending maidenhead. And why not, for Christ’s sake? She was hot-blooded and passionate and ready, and if it wasn’t him tonight it would be some other man some other night soon. Why not take her now, without thinking, while they were both hot for each other?

Chapter 13

Alexa kept her eyes tightly squeezed shut even afterwards, while she continued to savor the sensation of delicious, satisfied languor that made her feel as if she had become as light as a feather—still floating...drifting.... Why had she fought against giving in to her instincts that had led her to such exquisite pleasure as she had just experienced? A feeling that she could never describe, even to herself; or rather a complexity of myriad sensations felt all at once that seemed to move both outward and inward until... At least she knew now what “wanting” and “making love” meant. How strange and wonderful and almost frightening at the same time to feel yourself disappear into a million tiny sparks of light before coming back together again. Was she a Fallen Woman now? She didn’t care. I feel happy, Alexa discovered, beginning to smile and then to laugh from sheer enjoyment and lightheartedness. “Well? And what ails you now, for God’s sake?” Wondering why his voice had sounded almost like a snarl, Alexa bunked her eyes open as she turned languidly onto her side and discovered that he was lying on his back with his arms crossed under his head, a scowl on his face. “Well, what’s wrong with you, for that matter?” she murmured in a husky, unconsciously coquettish voice as she ran one exploring finger teasingly down his bare chest that was all roughness and smoothness over hard-muscled strength. But instead of responding he caught her wrist with unnecessary roughness and moved her hand away.

Puzzled, Alexa looked inquiringly at him. “Was it too bold of me to touch you like that? I only wanted to...”