Surrender to Love

“Alexa! Dammit!” His voice sounded as rough as his touch had been as he rolled over impatiently onto his side to face her, propping himself up on one elbow before he continued almost angrily: “One of the many things you obviously have yet to learn is that there are limits to the exercise of self-control. And mine I can assure you, has been strained to the breaking point already! Do you understand me?”

“But... but I wasn’t trying to... Nicholas? I did not mean to make you cross with me again! Only to show you how wonderfully happy I feel all of a sudden. Please don’t be angry! And if you will only tell me what I did that was wrong, I will try not to make the same mistake ag—”

“Will you be quiet and listen to me for a change?” The sheer fury that charged his voice was enough to render her speechless as she stared wide-eyed into the dark blur of his taut-muscled face; and Nicholas forced himself to suck in a deep breath before he managed to continue in a more controlled and reasonable voice: “I’m sorry. Hell, it’s really not your fault that I’m in such a vile mood! And it has nothing to do with anything you did, although in a way you damn well caused all of this with your... No, please try to restrain the flow of words I see trembling on those delicious lips of yours, querida mia, and hear me out Nights can seem all too short sometimes, and I have to get back to my ship before she misses the tide. And although I’m not usually given to making speeches or to diplomatic words and phrases, I feel, for some irritatingly inexplicable reason, that it is almost my responsibility to warn you against...” He swore under his breath. “Christ! I begin to sound like an uncle or a Mrs. Langford, I suppose! But since I have already said too much...”

All her newfound happiness seemed as ephemeral as mountain mists that stayed for only a few seconds before vanishing under the onslaught of the sun; leaving nothing behind to show it had ever been there except a curious little ache of misery that she would never, ever show. In a flat, dead-sounding voice Alexa said, “Yes, please do go on. And pray do not hesitate to be blunt, if you must.”

“All I meant to say was that every man is different. And that few men would hesitate to take what they may imagine is being offered to them. Dammit, there is a difference between being innocent and being naive, as you’d better learn quickly; and gentlemen do not, as a rule, either respect or expect to find virginity in a young female who agrees readily to a clandestine meeting in some isolated place.” Nicholas found himself wishing that the golden rind of the same moon he’d first met her under had not had the temerity to show itself, allowing him to see the expression on that transparent face of hers. She looked as if he’d just slapped her, and he would have infinitely preferred to be any place but here with a half-finished lecture on morals to deliver. Clenching his jaws, he said between his teeth: “If you hope to get yourself a husband and respectability, my inquisitive little virgin, I would advise you to force yourself to confo

rm to the rules that govern the society you must live in. For as unfair as it may seem, and is in fact, those rules are too easily bent or stretched or even ignored where men are concerned. To make it even clearer, an act of mutual passion only enhances a man’s reputation when he boasts of his latest conquest to his cronies, but the unfortunate female will have lost hers. Do you understand what I am trying to explain to you?”

“I...think you have indeed managed to make yourself., .more than clear, thank you.” Alexa found she had to lick her lips, which suddenly felt stiff and cold, before she could get the words out. “But you...”

Sitting up with one fluid, easy motion that had put his back to her, Nicholas seemed to ignore her now; tugging viciously at the boot he had forgotten to remove until it came off and he flung it aside. It was almost, Alexa thought with a sudden stab of pain, as if he was throwing her off as well, now that he’d done what he’d obviously considered his duty. And now at any second he would stand up and dust die sand from himself before he turned to walk away from her as if she no longer existed for him. Leave her. She’d never see him again. And she should be glad, glad!

“But you said...you told me once before that being my natural self was more important than other people’s rules.” Why did she persist when he was already on his feet?

Hesitating almost unwillingly, he looked down at her with expressionless eyes that seemed as dark as hers in the faint light. “Another lesson to remember, I’m afraid. Men will say—and promise—almost anything to a gullible female in order to get what they want from her, without meaning a word. I’d advise you, my too-sweet Alexa, to be careful in future to remain an elusive quarry and to save your virginity for your husband to take on your wedding night. Men are very insistent on virgin brides, for some ridiculous reason!”

While he had been speaking to her in a drawling, indifferent voice, Nicholas had proceeded to turn his wet trouser legs up to mid-calf, looking very much like a Spanish buccaneer as he straightened and turned to walk away from her without another word.

Finding her voice at last, Alexa flung her last question almost desperately at his retreating back as she scrambled to her feet, wondering why her legs felt so weak under her. “Wait! Damn you!” Ah, at least that had halted him—his shoulders stiffening before he turned his head. Only that small concession, forcing her to go on speaking without being able to choose her words more carefully: “Why did you go on and on about...saving my virginity? I thought... I thought that after you... that I had nothing left to save any longer. How can...”

Grimly, he waited until her hesitantly spoken words began to stumble and falter before saying in a caustic voice: “My sweet, provocative sea nymph, had I not discovered that you were still virgo intacta I would have gone very much further than I did, believe me! But since you were and since I had promised myself long ago that I would never take a virgin again... No, I assure you that you’re still unsullied and virginal. All I did with you, sweet innocent, was relieve as best I could the tension that I was responsible for building up in you. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I will leave to seek some sweet solace for my own tensions before it’s time to board ship. Senorita, I leave you to your prayers! Adios.”

While he had been speaking Alexa’s limbs had become so weak that she had collapsed to her knees; and now, after he had left her with a strangely formal sketch of a bow, it seemed as if everything around her had suddenly become very still; almost as if time itself hung suspended like the pitiful splinter of a moon hanging above the horizon—a candlewick about to sputter out. The only sound she was conscious of for a while was the repeating echo of his harshly delivered words in her head; until suddenly her ears picked up the faint drumming of a horse’s hooves, fading away almost instantly into the distance. He’d have to have brought a horse in order to scale the wall, of course, and to take him back afterwards. But what did that matter to her now? Slowly, turning her head to look about her with an effort, Alexa became conscious again at length of her surroundings, and of her own sorry state.

Most of the stars that had seemed to glow so brilliantly earlier seemed to have faded into obscurity, and the rising tide had already begun to inch its gradual way up the sloping beach. His ship would sail out from Colombo Roadstead at high tide. What time would that be? She had no idea of how late or worse, how early the hour was; but if she hoped to regain the comparative haven of her room Alexa knew she must hurry and run all the way back.

Gritting her teeth with determination, Alexa managed to get to her feet again and began trying to shake as much sand as possible from the folds of her damp, crumpled dress. What a fright she must look! At least he’d pulled down her skirts and...but she could not think of that part of it just yet; must remember only that she’d been taught a lesson—several lessons in fact. Pulling her gown up further in front, Alexa began to make her way back, fixing her mind only on remembering the path she had taken earlier and on making up some excuse in case she happened to be found out. At least they couldn’t know she had met someone—or anything else that had happened. Perhaps she could say that her confrontation with Mrs. Langford and the accusations that had been made had so upset her that she’d decided to drown herself. A story she’d thought of using in a different context earlier, Alexa remembered with an involuntary pang. But in this case it might work. Mrs. Langford would certainly relish the dramatic effect of her lecturing! It might even make her think more carefully before she launched into one of her sermons in future. Yes, unless she could think of a better story, it would have to do. She had tried to drown herself, but the ocean was too shallow and the water too salty and cold, so that in the end her cowardice had got the better of her.

While she had been forcing herself to keep her mind busy, Alexa’s bare feet had found her shortcut almost by instinct, running as soundlessly and lightly as she could to avoid disturbing any small nocturnal creatures or sleeping birds. Slowing down after a while to catch her breath, she guessed that she could not be too far from the safety of the house now; and she had seen no flickering torches nor heard any anxious voices calling in search of her. Perhaps she would have no need for made-up explanations after all. Only a few more yards to traverse very quietly, and then she would soon see the outline of the house, and after that it would only be a matter of...

Alexa had begun to move forward again, at a slower pace this time; but in spite of her bravely optimistic thoughts her nerves, already exacerbated by what had taken place earlier, were as tautly strung as thin wires on the verge of snapping. When she rounded a sharp bend in the path and almost ran into a dark shape that seemed to loom up from nowhere, she almost fainted from shock and could not repress a small, startled “Ohh!” before she recognized Sir John’s urgent whisper and felt his hand grip her arm warningly.

“Alexa, hush! Sorry I had to startle you this way, but there was no help for it. Knew I had to stop you before you got as far as the house, my dear.”

“Oh!” This time it was a soft, guilty whisper.

“It’s that damned meddling Langford woman again. And that sly-puss daughter of hers. Never could stand namby-pamby, sniveling young women! But to get on with it—the way Charlotte told it to her mama was that she couldn’t fall asleep without apologizing to you for having unwittingly caused trouble. Went to your room, she says, and looked in quietly in case you were asleep, and... Well, I’m sure you can guess the rest, my dear.”

From Sir John’s concise account Alexa gathered that Mrs. Langford had decided to keep vigil in Alexa’s room, to “catch the little hussy when she comes sneaking back,” according to Velu, who could repeat whole sentences verbatim even if he didn’t quite understand some of the words used. And it was Velu who had found Sir John in the garden and had told him everything; being promptly given instructions that if Mrs. Langford should ask for him his master could not be found either—he was fond of taking long nightly strolls. But now Mrs. Langford had begun to demand that Velu find Sir John immediately; huffily refusing to beli

eve that a man of his age should prefer to linger until past two o’clock in the damp night air when he had a perfectly comfortable bed to sleep in.

“And so now there’s the devil to pay and it’s all my fault,” Alexa whispered contritely. “Oh, Uncle John! I’m so very sorry, and especially if I caused you any anxiety.”

Sir John made as if to clear his throat before thinking better of it and saying abruptly: “As a matter of fact, after your set-to with the Langford female it didn’t surprise me when Velu told me you’d run off somewhere. Couldn’t blame you for needing to breathe some fresh, clean air into your lungs, my dear, and knowing you as well as I do, I guessed where you might have decided to go. Fact is, I thought you might want to talk it out, y’know. Help get things off your chest! Only reason I decided to take a stroll down to the beach, just in case. But... Well, didn’t feel I had the right to interfere, really. Meddling...”

Alexa could not help her shocked intake of breath before she managed to whisper, “You...then you must have... You saw? Everything?”

“Didn’t mean to play the voyeur, my dear. Or to... Well, what I’m trying to say in my clumsy fashion is that I only stayed long enough to feel sure that you were not...that you weren’t being forced, dammit!”

Alexa could feel her face growing hot and cold in turn.

He’d seen! Her willingness—everything. Seen her lying there on the sand with her skirts up and her breasts bare; lost in the throes of that shameless, abandoned ecstasy that had made her forgetful of all else—including the consequences! Why, anyone, some trespasser, some curious fisherman, might have watched too, for all that she had thought, or cared either. Because during that space of timeless time that might have been moments or minutes or even hours, she had not belonged to herself any longer—had not even been herself. She would have allowed him to do anything at all—anything he wanted to do with her. .Would have let him take her anywhere he pleased with him, forgetting shame or conscience—if he wanted her...

Ah, don’t think about it. You mustn’t; it’s over, her mind warned her as she struggled to find words. “I... How you must despise me now. And oh, I am old enough to realize that to say like a child ‘I did not think’ is no excuse at all! Aunt Harriet was right. I am too rash, too impetuous, too unmindful of... I suppose I should have drowned myself after all! It was what I had planned to tell Mrs. Langford in case she... Oh, but I think I could bear anything except that you should think badly of me and be disappointed in me, although I cannot blame you for it.”