Not Sorry

16

Olive

I wrap my arms around myself because the cool night air hits me hard when I walk outside into the night. But I can finally breathe, alone in the dark. Except I’m not alone. I’m in a busy city full of people walking by who don’t bother to stop and ask if I’m okay when they see the tears burning down my cheeks. I should be thinking about Sean, about who he is and what he does, but all I can think about is that I should’ve brought a damn jacket.

I pace up and down the sidewalk, trying to warm my body and figure out why I had the reaction that I just had. I shouldn’t be upset that Sean owns and runs an adult entertainment company. I shouldn’t be upset that he did or still stars in porn. I shouldn’t be upset that he had sex with Jamie at least a dozen times on film for the world to see. I shouldn’t be upset because he is not mine.

I don’t have any claim to him, and I definitely don’t have any claim to his past. For all I know, he’s had sex with women in between our times together. But, still, the tears fall because it hurts to know how intimately involved Sean and Jamie were. They make sense together, unlike me and Sean. Jamie has always been strong, powerful, driven. She knows what she wants, and she goes after it, just like Sean. I don’t understand why I feel so strongly about them.

No, that’s not true. I know exactly why it makes me so upset.

One, because I care about Sean far more than I hate him.

Two, I know I’m the real reason that Jamie and Sean are no longer together.

It all comes back to me.

The endless nights of listening to Jamie talk about her baby, honey, sweetheart. It took me a while to connect the dots because she hardly ever used his real name when talking about him when they were together.

I try to push the thought out of my head, but I can’t. I broke them up. I just didn’t realize it at the time.

They were perfect for each other, and I ruined it. And, now, I’m making it worse by fucking Sean. Jamie will never be able to forgive me, and I can’t handle being in any more of her debt.

How do I tell Sean the truth? How do I give him up? How can I fix this now that Jamie is pregnant with another man’s baby?

I can’t.

That’s the only thing I know for sure. There is no way to fix this. What’s done is done. I just have to figure out how to move on from this.

I take a deep breath and wipe my tears off on the back of my hand. I fluff my hair before I turn around and walk back inside the building. I don’t take the elevator. I take the stairs, needing time to think as I climb each step.

I step out onto the floor where there’s a whole crew of people shooting the film, not paying any attention to me. I scan the crowd, looking for Sean but don’t immediately see him. I wander around on the floor, continuing to look for him while taking everything in.

“He’s not here,” a woman’s voice says.

I turn around and realize that the woman is talking to me. She’s beautiful with long, long blonde hair, and when I see the robe wrapped around her body, I realize instantly that she’s the woman from the film.

“Who?” I ask.

“Sean. He’s not here. That’s who you are looking for. You’re his new girlfriend.”

“I’m not sure I would say that. More like his new plaything for a little while.”

The woman laughs. “If you are just his plaything, then why did he bring you here? He hardly ever brings women here unless he’s serious about them. It’s one of his tests. And you’re failing horribly.”

I frown. “I know. But I didn’t freak out because of what he does. It’s more complicated than that.”

She nods. “It always is.”

“Where is he?”

The woman glances up, and I know immediately that he retreated to his condo.

“Thank you,” I say. I run to the elevator and press the button for the top floor.

“You’re going to need the code to access his floor,” the woman says from behind me.

I feel in my pockets, but I don’t have my cell phone to text him. It’s with my personal belongings that I left in the car for Sean’s staff to take up to the condo. I have no way to reach him. Shit.