Just a Bit Confusing (Straight Guys 5)

James stood there, frowning, long after Tristan disappeared out of sight.

Ironic?

Shaking his head, he cast it out of his mind and focused on the advice Tristan had given him.

Maybe Tristan had a point.

No, there was no maybe about it: Tristan was right. It really would be better for everyone involved if Ryan just made a choice. The entire situation was too unbalanced, strange, and unfair to all of them. It was unfair to Hannah because Ryan paid her less attention, too concerned about his best friend’s feelings. It was unfair to Ryan because he shouldn’t be forced to fix things that were beyond his control—things that were not his fault—and Ryan shouldn’t feel guilty about being happy with his girlfriend. And it was unfair to him too, because Jamie really, really didn’t want to spend the rest of his life pining after his taken, straight best friend, who didn’t fucking know the meaning of personal space and boundaries.

Something ought to be done.

His stomach shriveled into a tight, uncomfortable knot of dread and fear. Yes, he was likely to lose him: Ryan, as every man in love, would choose his girlfriend, no matter how protective of his best friend he was.

But it was the right thing to do. It couldn’t continue like this.

James slowly made his way downstairs, into the dining room, where the voices were coming from.

Ryan was sitting at the table next to Zach, both of them frowning as they discussed something quietly.

No one was looking his way, and James allowed himself to look his fill, his eyes roaming greedily over Ryan’s chiseled jaw shadowed by dark stubble, his firm lips and straight nose, those piercing green eyes under the thick black brows; over Ryan’s strong neck, those ridiculously wide shoulders and muscular chest, and arms that could give the tightest, sweetest hugs in the world.

Jamie licked his dry lips, trying to resist the insane urge to go over and kiss him. God, it was so fucking unfair. How could someone he had no claim to feel like his, on the deepest possible level? It felt like Ryan was in his veins, and he didn’t know how to get him out.

Still deep in conversation with his brother, Ryan accidentally glanced his way. Their eyes locked.

James didn’t know what Ryan saw in his eyes, but Ryan’s frown deepened. Ryan said something to Zach and stood up from the table. Hannah delayed him, asking him something. James turned away and headed slowly back to the terrace.

It really was cold outside, even for December.

He hugged himself and waited, the cold seeping into his bones and chilling his insides.

The door behind him opened and closed.

“Jamie?” Ryan said.

James hugged himself tighter, trying to suppress the shudders that continued to rack his frame.

“You’re freezing, silly,” Ryan said, walking over and immediately wrapping his arms around him, his body big, firm and so achingly familiar. “We can talk inside. Come on.”

James shook his head and forced himself to pull away from Ryan’s embrace. He wouldn’t have the strength to do what must be done otherwise. He turned to face Ryan.

The yellow light from the street lamp cast Ryan’s angular features into shadow, but James could still see the tension and concern on Ryan’s face.

“I didn’t want to do this,” James said quietly and yet firmly. But even with his resolve, his throat still felt a little clogged and tight. “But you know there’s no other solution. Everything has become too confusing and fucked up. I can’t—I can’t go on like this, Ryan.”

“Jamie—”

James pressed his finger against Ryan’s lips. “Please. Let me say what I want first.” He took a deep breath and slowly breathed out. “There’s no point in this. The truth is, I’m the third wheel in your relationship with Hannah. You were happy before I told you that I—that I love you. My confession pretty much ruined everything: made our friendship too weird and made you feel guilty for being happy with her.” He bit his lip hard. “I didn’t want that. I don’t know what I wanted. I was just tired of putting on a happy face when I felt like shit. But either way…” He swallowed and looked Ryan in the eye. “Hannah and I can’t coexist in your life. Please don’t ask that of me. I can’t, Ryan.”

Ryan’s face was utterly still, his eyes fixed on James.

“So…” Jamie smiled. At least he thought he was smiling. “Tristan told me to give you a choice, but I know what you would choose, anyway—I know what I would choose if I were in your place. I would choose the person I’m in love with.” You. “I—I…” Jamie blinked rapidly and smiled again. “So this is a goodbye. I hope—I hope it’s not forever.” He tried to swallow the painful thickness in his throat. “Maybe someday, in a few years, I’ll be able to look at you and feel nothing but friendship and we can be friends again.”