Just a Bit Confusing (Straight Guys 5)

Ryan didn’t say anything. He just stared at him, his face difficult to read in the semi-darkness.

“Goodbye,” James managed. He looked at Ryan and waited. Waited, hoping for something, needing something. Maybe a last hug. A closure. Something.

But Ryan didn’t move. He stood still like a statue, his expression hard as stone.

And Jamie couldn’t resist. He needed it, something to remember on cold nights. Even if it was a lie.

He wrapped his trembling hands around Ryan’s neck and pressed his cold lips against Ryan’s, hesitantly, his throat closed up so tight he could no longer speak, his eyes welling with tears. I wish things were different. I wish… His eyes burned. His heart hurt. I love you. I’ll always love you, even when I’m a bitter, old man.

He pulled away.

He stepped back.

He turned away.

Ryan yanked him close and crushed him hard against his chest before slamming their lips together. God.

It wasn’t a friendly or brotherly kiss. But neither was it a kiss of desire. The kiss tasted of anger, and need, and so much love it completely undid Jamie. He made a small, broken noise as Ryan continued kissing him roughly, crushing him to his chest. No tongue, just lips against lips, and need against need.

At last, seconds or hours later, Ryan stopped kissing him and said one word, his voice hoarse and hard. “No.”

Before James could ask what he meant, Ryan all but pushed him inside the house. In proper light, James could see Ryan’s face better and what he saw made his stomach drop.

He’d never seen Ryan look so grim and angry.

“Ryan—”

Ryan shook his head, his jaw working. “I wish you hadn’t made me choose, but I understand why you did. Go home. I’ll have to talk to Hannah and break it off with her.”

James’s eyes widened. “What?” he said tonelessly.

Ryan glared at him. “Are you really surprised? Are you kidding me, Jamie? Did you really think I’d let you leave? Really?”

“But you love her,” James said, confused.

Ryan’s lips twisted into a bitter smile. “Yes. But apparently not enough.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled loudly. When he looked at James again, his expression was softer. “Go home. I’ll call you after I break up with her.” He kissed Jamie’s temple. “I’ll need you after that,” he said quietly before walking toward the dining room—to break up with his girlfriend. The girlfriend he was in love with.

Jamie didn’t feel any elation.

Just crushing, horrible guilt.

Chapter 13

Ryan called him well past midnight. “We broke up,” he said flatly.

James gazed up at the shadows dancing on the ceiling of his bedroom. He didn’t know what to say. What did you tell your best friend after he had broken up with the woman he was in love with because of you?

“How did she take it?”

Ryan chuckled, the sound sharp and cutting. “I didn’t even know she knew some of the words she called me. I don’t blame her. I couldn’t even explain why I was breaking it off.”

“I’m sorry.” The words sounded so inadequate. So cheap.

There was a long silence on the line.

James counted the seconds, straining his ears. Do you hate me now for losing her? Please don’t hate me.

After fourteen seconds, Ryan said, “I want you. Come here.”

James breathed out, the tight knot in his stomach loosening a bit. “Are you still at the house?”

“Yes,” Ryan said and hung up.

It was almost two in the morning when James finally parked his car in Zach’s driveway.

He didn’t knock. He texted Ryan and waited, his teeth chattering as the cold wind swept around his body.

Minutes dragged.

Maybe Ryan had fallen asleep.

Maybe Ryan had changed his mind and didn’t want to see him.

When he was about to go back to his car, the door opened.

Ryan stood there, a bottle of vodka in his hand and his expression unreadable. He moved aside, letting James in. James followed him to his room, watching him carefully. Ryan wasn’t swaying or anything, his steps firm and steady, but Ryan rarely did, even when he was really shit-faced.

James closed the door of the bedroom after them. Ryan sat heavily on the couch and started sipping from the bottle, his face closed off.

Strained silence fell between them. A silence filled with anger and pain and resentment.

“You shouldn’t have broken up with her,” James ground out, breaking it. “I didn’t bloody force you.”

Ryan took another big gulp from the bottle and set it aside, his eyes hard.

He said, “Come here.”

James hesitated but went. He sat beside Ryan, tense and unsure.

“You know what was the worst part?” Ryan asked, without looking at him.

James looked at his profile and waited.

“What she told me after she calmed down,” Ryan said, his eyes downcast, wide shoulders slouched forward, hands clasped loosely between his knees. “She said maybe it was for the best. That she deserved better than a boyfriend who got all his emotional needs already satisfied elsewhere.” He could see the muscles in Ryan’s jaw work. “As if she was just a hole for me to fuck.”