Getting to his feet unsteadily, James chuckled. “Too weird?”
Ryan didn’t answer.
Wondering what the hell was going on with Ryan, James made his way to the bathroom.
When he returned to the living room, changed into Ryan’s shirt and jeans because his own were sticky, he found Ryan sitting on the couch, his shoulders hunched forward as he stared at his hands, his expression grim. He glanced at James before doing a double-take.
“What?” James said, looking down at himself. Ryan’s clothes were a little big for him—Ryan was more muscular and three inches taller—but James didn’t think he looked that ridiculous. “You never minded before.”
“What’s wrong with your clothes?” Ryan said.
“They’re sticky,” James said and found himself blushing. He wasn’t sure Ryan had even noticed that he got off on sucking his dick; Ryan certainly never commented on it.
Ryan looked away. “Come here,” he said after a moment, his voice softer than it had been in weeks.
James went.
Ryan took his wrist and pulled him down before slinging an arm around his shoulders. With a sigh, Jamie sagged against him, leaning into the touch greedily. It’d been weeks since Ryan had touched him like that. He hadn’t realized how much he had missed it until now: the feel of Ryan’s arms around him, the way Ryan turned his head and nuzzled his temple, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. For them, it was.
“Tell me I’m not fucking you up,” Ryan said into his cheek. “I don’t wanna hurt you. I don’t want to give you the wrong impression.”
“What do you mean?” James murmured, a tendril of trepidation curling up from the pit of his stomach.
“I—I’m confused, Jamie,” Ryan said, his voice rough. “I hope you don’t think this is anything more than that. I don’t want to—”
“Break my heart?” James finished quietly.
“Yes.”
Chewing on his lip, James stared at the carpet. “I’m not going to pretend to understand what’s going on with you,” he said. “I know it would crush me if—when you decide it’s too weird for you, but…” His proud, arrogant ancestors must be turning in their graves. He didn’t give a shit. Fuck pride. He didn’t want to be an unhappy, sorry bugger who stupidly clung to his pride only because there was nothing left. “I don’t care,” he said, looking Ryan in the eye. “I want whatever you’re willing to give me for as long as it will last.”
Ryan got a pinched look on his face. “You can’t be serious, you prat.”
James smiled a little. “What?”
“He says what,” Ryan said flatly, shaking his head before letting out a laugh. “If a burglar tries to break into your house through a window, will you open the door for him, too?”
“It’s not the same.”
Ryan groaned. “It is.” He ran a hand over his face. “You trust me too much. You really shouldn’t.”
Frowning, James studied his profile. Ryan rarely looked so grim and agitated.
“I don’t know how not to trust you,” he said simply.
Ryan’s jaw clenched. He turned his head to James, his eyes hard. “Maybe you should learn, then,” he said. “Because sometimes I want to do some creepy shit to you, and trust me, I don’t trust myself not to hurt you.”
“You’d never—”
“Not physically,” Ryan said, getting to his feet. He stepped to the window, his back and shoulders stiff with tension as he gripped the window sill.
For the first time, James felt a twinge of wariness. He waited.
After a long few moments, Ryan said,
“I miss her.”
James’s insides twisted into knots.
“But it was my own choice,” Ryan said. “If I had to choose between the two of you again, I wouldn’t change a thing—I’d choose you. I’d always choose you. But…”
“But you hate me for that,” Jamie said, his voice smaller than he would have liked.
Ryan heaved a sigh and turned around to look at him. There wasn’t a trace of his usual easy smile on his face. “It’s not just about Hannah. Do you understand what this means for me?” His voice was quiet, terse. “It means I’ll never have any meaningful relationship with any woman. I can never date anyone. If I do, I’ll just end up hurting everyone involved. Because I’ll always choose you in the end.”
Jamie swallowed. The resentment in Ryan’s voice was unmistakable. “Maybe one day you won’t. One day you’ll get tired of this—of me.”
Ryan walked over, put his hands on the back of the couch, trapping Jamie between his arms, their faces inches apart.
“Sometimes I can’t fucking wait,” Ryan said.
Jamie couldn’t breathe.
“But it’s never going to happen,” Ryan added with a rueful smile that didn’t reach his eyes. Leaning their foreheads together, he kissed the corner of James’s mouth. “Sometimes I think we were born in the wrong bodies, Jamie. Maybe we were.” He smiled crookedly. “Maybe you were my girl in a previous life and my soul still remembers it.”