Maybe Ryan meant it as a joke, but it didn’t sound like one.
James didn’t know what to say.
“I’d fuck you if you were a woman,” Ryan said huskily, his warm breath brushing his lips. “I’d spend days in you, loving you in every possible way.” A soft moan slipped out of Jamie’s mouth and Ryan sighed. “But you’re a bloke and I just can’t see you that way. I see my friend, my brother, my Jamie—not someone I should be screwing.”
Blinking in confusion, James pulled back a little to study Ryan’s face. “But what about…?”
Ryan’s lips twisted. “The blowjobs?”
James nodded.
Sighing again, Ryan sat heavily on the couch. “It’s complicated,” he said without looking at him. “And fucked up.”
“Tell me,” James said, frowning at him.
Ryan laughed shortly. “I don’t know how to tell you. You’ll get offended. I’d be pissed off in your place.”
James said nothing, waiting for Ryan to finally explain what the fuck was going on.
“I’ve always seen you as a brother I love and need to take care of,” Ryan said at last, looking anywhere but at him. “And now imagine what I feel when I see the guy I always considered my little brother with my dick in his mouth, sucking it like it’s his favorite thing in the world, and moaning around my dick like a cockslut.”
James felt his cheeks warm. He hadn’t really put himself in Ryan’s shoes. He hadn’t realized what it would look like from Ryan’s perspective.
“It weirds me out,” Ryan said, still not looking at him. “But that’s not even the most fucked up part.” The muscles in his throat worked. “The fucked up part is, I get off on it—on how wrong it is. I get off on fucking your mouth because it feels wrong to dirty you up, and because—because there’s a part of me that wants to own you.” He chuckled, looking anywhere but at him. “So yeah. I want it, just for the wrong reasons.”
Oh.
James moistened his dry lips with his tongue, unsure how he felt about Ryan’s confession. Should he be offended? What Ryan had said wasn’t exactly reassuring, but it was far better than what he’d feared: that Ryan was so rough with him because he was punishing him for losing Hannah. Ryan just being one kinky bastard was definitely better.
“Pervert,” James said with a chuckle, trying to diffuse the awkwardness.
Ryan laughed—a deep belly laugh that spread a warm tingle through James’s body—and tugged him into a headlock. “It’s all your fault,” he said into Jamie’s nape, his voice playful and light. And just like that, they were fine.
For now.
Because James couldn’t forget Ryan’s voice when he said he would never be able to have a relationship with anyone because of Jamie. Sooner or later, that sort of resentment would kill any affection, no matter how deep.
It was only a matter of time.
Chapter 16
“Is there a reason you’ve been glaring at that bloke all evening?”
Ryan took a sip from his glass of wine and glanced sideways at his eldest brother. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Zach leaned against the wall next to him, sipping his wine. His sharp gray eyes lingered on him for a moment before sweeping around the crowded room. Their Christmas celebrations used to be small, family-only affairs, but as all of them had grown up, they started including significant others, kids, and countless friends of the Hardaway siblings, and it was a large, crowded party now. Zach’s gaze stopped on the tall redhead who stood next to the Christmas tree—the tall redhead who was leaning into Jamie’s personal space. Paul Lambert.
“Yes, that’s the guy you’ve been glaring at,” Zach said dryly. “Where’s your Christmas spirit?”
“I haven’t been glaring at him,” Ryan said. “I just don’t know what he’s doing here. He wasn’t invited.”
“He came with Luke Whitford, whom you did invite.”
“He’s Jamie’s ex,” Ryan said. “That wanker broke his heart a few months ago.”
“James doesn’t look heartbroken,” Zach said. “He seems to be having fun.”
That was true enough—and that was pissing him off. Ryan wanted to go over and shake Jamie and ask him what the hell he was doing. Lambert had broken up with Jamie because Jamie wasn’t ready to come out of the closet and introduce him to his father. He was such a sore loser that he couldn’t accept the breakup with grace and told Jamie what a cold fish and terrible lover he was. It was the ultimate asshole thing to do, considering he had been Jamie’s first boyfriend. And now, for some reason, Jamie was smiling and chatting amicably with the guy.
“He shouldn’t even be talking to that prick,” Ryan said.
“I think you should stop babying James,” Zach said with a wry smile. “You do realize that he’s the same age as you, right? You’re more protective of him than you are of Miles, who’s your actual little brother.”