She blew out a long breath and closed her eyes, her dark lashes swe
eping down over her face, as she sat in silent, deep thought.
Finally she met his gaze. “You already told me you’d built your walls high like me. Because of your parents.”
“Yes.” He nodded, keeping a close watch on her expressions as things were revealed.
He wanted to be able to catch every nuance and answer every question. He needed her to see that although she was afraid and resistant now, there was hope she could get past her fears.
“But… you married Cindy, so I’m not sure how high those walls could have been,” she said, tipping her head to the side in confusion, even as her voice betrayed her hurt at the fact that he’d chosen someone else.
Her pained expression devastated him. It was only now, years later, with the wisdom of his own experience, that he realized how badly his choices had hurt her too.
He clenched his jaw and sought the easiest way to explain his actions. He finally settled on using her life as an example.
“Why were you with Lucas?” he asked, figuring that letting her draw the parallels would make this simpler.
She gnawed on her lower lip, a little quirk of hers he’d grown to recognize and enjoy.
“He was the safe choice,” she whispered.
“Because?”
“I thought this was about your past, not mine.” She narrowed her gaze, clearly not happy with what must have felt like an interrogation.
He smiled, hoping to reassure her. “They’re tied together, princess. At least our reasons for doing things are. So bear with me and I’ll walk you through this.”
She nodded jerkily. She obviously wasn’t comfortable with this conversation, but she was letting him lead it, and he appreciated the trust it took for her to do so.
“Why was Lucas safe for you?” he asked again.
She glanced down, her gaze steady on her thighs.
Oh, he had no doubt she knew the answer. She just didn’t want to admit it.
“Because there was no chance of me falling in love with him,” she finally said, her voice even softer than before.
“Bingo.” He reached out and tipped her chin up until she had no choice but to face him and the depth of emotion that had to be etched all over his face. He waited as she processed his words. He was with Lucy now. He had all the time in the world.
Lucy let out a shuddering breath, forcing her mind to focus, to draw all the right conclusions. And now that Max had, as he’d promised, tied things together, she caught up quickly.
“You didn’t…” Love Cindy. She cut herself off before she could finish the thought, and decided not to put words in his mouth. “I mean… did you love Cindy?”
“Not enough.” Max studied her with sad, guilt-ridden eyes. “And not the way I should have.” He grasped her hands, his sudden hold on her too tight. “And certainly not the way I love you… and always have.”
The words hit Lucy square in the gut… and in the heart. So many varied emotions tumbled around inside her it was a wonder she could process them all. But somehow, she managed.
First came an overwhelming sense of relief—for the starry-eyed girl who’d loved Max Savage and believed he’d chosen someone he loved deeply and who wasn’t her. Then anger because he’d deprived them of years of happiness, but how could she sustain anger when she, too, lived with the fear of loving so much and losing even more? And by now she realized she’d had years to perfect and hone the skill of keeping people she loved at a distance. It worked for her, preventing her from ever experiencing that aching sadness and grief again.
“Lucy, say something.”
She couldn’t. Because hot on the heels of those other emotions came fear and panic. “You… you love me?” She asked, horrified when every cell and molecule in her body knew she ought to be ecstatic and throwing herself into his arms.
“Always have, princess. It just took me years to get past the guilt and self-loathing I felt after Cindy died. I spent a lot of time losing myself in BDSM. And through the club, I met Dr. Daniel Carver. The guy considers himself the resident shrink there. If he likes you, he’s going to make damn sure you don’t hate yourself.” He shrugged. “Guess I got lucky. The guy became a friend.” His lips quirked upward, and his cheeks flushed with embarrassment at the admission.
She managed a smile, happy that Max had found peace after all these years. Too bad she couldn’t say the same for herself.
But he’d ripped himself open for her, and she cherished the knowledge that he trusted her so intimately. She knew it couldn’t have been easy for him to admit his weaknesses.