“I was clean when we got together, not that I’d use it as an excuse if I wasn’t. That’s what I want to tell you. There is no excuse for what I did to you.”
She blinked, her eyes suddenly watery.
“I mean, I had reasons for my behavior that I used to justify what I did at the time, and they aren’t important now. Because they’d only come off sounding like what they are. Bullshit excuses for poor behavior. Whatever was between me and Kade should have stayed between us. I shouldn’t have dragged you into it. And while I’m at it, I shouldn’t have gone after him in that kind of underhanded way, either,” he said, jaw clenched, the words obviously difficult for him to say.
She knew her mouth was hanging open, and she managed to close it before he turned to glance at her. An apology was one thing. A flat-out I was an asshole was quite another. She hadn’t expected such brutal sincerity.
She swallowed
over the lump in her throat. “Pull over.”
“What?”
“Pull over. I can’t have this conversation while you’re driving.” If not for the fact that her hands were on Steve’s body, she’d be shaking. The discussion was way deeper than she’d anticipated.
Julian did as she asked, gliding into the first available parking spot on the street. He put the car in park and turned to face her.
Her mouth grew dry. “I’m not sure what to say. I didn’t expect you to be that honest and apologetic.”
His face turned red, and he ran a hand through his hair. “Fact is, for a long time it was hard for me to look at myself in the mirror.”
She continued to pet Steve. “Why is now different? What changed?”
Silence descended and she squirmed in her seat, waiting.
“I found out about you.” He stretched an arm across the back of her seat. “I didn’t know you were bipolar, and finding out forced me to face myself.”
“You mean it was okay to do it to a woman who was mentally stable?” she asked, horrified.
He shook his head. “Of course not. It’s just that I’d convinced myself you could handle it, and I discovered I had you at an even bigger disadvantage than not knowing I had an agenda.” He shook his head. “This is coming out all wrong.”
She ran a shaking hand through her hair. “You didn’t devastate me because I had an illness, Julian. You hurt me because I was falling for you, and every word, every action, was a lie.”
“That’s what changed.” He let his fingertips trail over her shoulder.
She knew she should pull back, but just that small touch bridging the gap between them felt so good.
“The pretense of us being strangers, that was a lie. The growing feelings went both ways. And when I realized how badly I hurt you, how little I knew you, I realized I was devastated, too.”
Shock rippled through her body along with a healthy dose of disbelief. “You really expect me to believe you?” she asked, but a part of her did. And that frightened her.
“No.” He slid his hand behind her neck and pulled her close so her forehead touched his. “But I want the chance to convince you.”
* * *
Julian didn’t know where the words came from. He hadn’t planned to ask Kendall for anything, but he meant them with every fiber of his being. He wanted a second chance, something he had no right to request any more than he had the right to kiss her.
But he did, capturing her mouth with his. She jolted in surprise but immediately relaxed into him. Heart pounding, he took in every nuance, her soft, warm lips, lingering familiar scent, and unique taste that electrified his body. But he held back, being deliberately gentle, so unlike their frenetic couplings in the past, but that special connection hadn’t changed.
He licked her lower lip, and she leaned in closer, ignoring the squirming dog. He slid his tongue over hers, causing sparks to fly between them. He tasted her, devoured her, but it wasn’t enough. He wrapped his hand around her ponytail and tugged, tilting her head, giving him better access to the deep recesses of her mouth.
Kissing her was like coming home, like everything bad in his life hadn’t happened, and he lost himself in the moment. Until a bark disrupted them and brought her back to reality.
She jerked back, startled, petting Steve’s head. “I don’t even know what to say, but that shouldn’t have happened.” Her hands shook as she trailed them over the dog’s back. “I’ll get a cab from here.” She pulled at the handle of the door, seeking to get out, but it was locked.
“Let me drive you home.” He didn’t want her stranded here, even though they were in a perfectly good neighborhood.
“You need to let me go, Julian.”