James looked up at the other male.
“I have never known such pain,” he admitted, his voice raw and honest in his own ears. “Please tell me how to bear it, Commander. How do feelers deal with this kind of agony? This constant longing to be with a female you cannot have?”
“I’ll be honest, J-8—emotional pain is never easy to bear. I would rather have physical pain any day, myself,” Sylvan said. “But you have an option that isn’t open to us ‘feelers’ as you call us—you can go and get your emotion damper fixed.”
“I know I can—I have been telling myself the entire trip home that the moment I got back to the Mother Ship, I would go straight to Yipper and ask him to install a new emotion damper or try to fix the one I have,” James admitted. “But, well…” He cleared his throat. “I…don’t feel like I should.”
“Why not?” Sylvan frowned. “If it would end your pain, why not do it?”
“Because Ka’rissa doesn’t have that option.” James ran a hand through his hair distractedly. “I started this pain that both of us share—shouldn’t I feel it as deeply as she does?”
Sylvan nodded gravely.
“That is your choice, of course. But if you are not going to eradicate or suppress your emotions entirely, may I suggest that you go to the Sacred Grove and ask one of the priestesses there to cool your blood?”
James frowned.
“As you know, I don’t believe in the Goddess as most Kindred do. It is not logical to think that there is some divine being who created us all and cares for us still.”
“You don’t have to believe in the Goddess to get your blood cooled,” Sylvan told him gently. “Any priestess can do it for you. It isn’t always a pleasant process, but you will feel calmer afterwards. It strikes me that, having had no emotions your entire life, it must be very difficult for you to deal with them now—especially such heavy ones.”
“It is…more painful than I could have imagined,” James admitted. “But I still feel like it’s a pain that I deserve.”
“Just think about it,” Sylvan urged. “And I’m not going to punish you by kicking you out of the Elite Corps—it sounds to me like you did the right thing, in the end.”
“Did I?” James shook his head. “I just don’t know.”
He left the Commander’s office still feeling uncertain…and missing Ka’rissa more with every moment that passed.
49
James didn’t go back to his quarters. Instead, he wandered the halls of the Mother Ship. But everywhere he went, he seemed to see glimpses of Ka’rissa. Some of the Earth women aboard who had been called as brides had the same creamy brown skin tones she did—though none of them had the pearly sheen her Royal blood gave her. Still, any reminder of her was an agony. He ached to hold her again and yet he knew he never would.
He kept seeing her lovely amber-brown eyes looking up at him so pleadingly…kept hearing her soft voice saying, “I love you…I shall always love you.”
She loved you and you left her behind—you gave her away to another male, whispered an accusing little voice in his head.
But I had to! I couldn’t let her abdicate her throne for me—it would have been wrong to take her away from the life she was born to lead just because I loved her. And it wouldn’t have worked to try and Join with her on Regalia Five, either—it would have caused tensions between her people and mine and possibly a bloody revolt on her planet. How could I condemn others to die just to satisfy my own carnal lusts?
But it hadn’t just been lust between them—although he loved to stroke and hold her lush, full body against his own, James thought. He had loved her soul as well—her soft, silvery laugh, her innocence, her curiosity—everything about her had called to him. Everything about her made him love her.
I love her, he thought, feeling the truth of it to the core of his being. This emotion inside me must be love—I want to be with her, hold her, protect her, care for her always. But I never will—I will never have her. She belongs to another.
It was a terrible thought and it refused to leave his head. It just went round and round inside his brain until he wondered if this new condition was what going mad felt like. And if so, would he ever be sane again?
After hours of aimless wandering and intense mental suffering, James looked up and found that he was right outside the Sacred Grove. It was a small forest of trees with green and purple leaves that rustled in the soft, evening breeze.
He had never been here before—as a nonbeliever, he had never felt the need to come to the epicenter of the Goddess’s worship. But now he remembered Commander Sylvan’s words about how the priestesses here could cool his blood. Should he do it? Should he ask for the cooling touch?