Still With Me

“I got an order from the judge so he can’t come to the house; don’t worry. Right now, go play with your brother.”

Jeremy fixed his eyes on Victoria’s neck as she sat alone. Her hair. Her delicate shoulder. The effect was almost carnal. More stimulating than if he could actually touch her. He inhaled slowly, trying to catch her scent. Then he heard her sobbing. She tried to stifle her tears so Thomas wouldn’t notice. She was so close to Jeremy and so unhappy. He almost got up to take her in his arms and comfort her. A phone rang. Victoria dug her hand in her pocket and pulled out a cell phone. She coughed to clear away her sobs.

“Hello,” she said in a small voice. “No, everything’s fine. No, I don’t have any news. I sent him what he asked for and a letter to go with it. Yes, I know what you’re going to tell me. Maybe you’re right. But you know what? I’m going crazy too. Kind of ironic, isn’t it? No, don’t worry. I’m not taking any risks. Even if it’s true, I’d rather he be unhappy during his rare hours of clarity than my children and me our whole lives.”

Thomas came back and gave his mother a quizzical look.

“It’s Pierre, my love. Go play with your brother.”

The boy walked away.

“Thomas wanted to know who was calling. He doesn’t leave my side, the little dove. He’s so worried about me. Can you imagine, at his age, knowing this kind of pain? He tries to comfort me when he’s just as scared. Last night he woke up screaming. He had a nightmare. And he still wets his bed. His therapist says that we have to keep him as far away as possible from the problems while still telling him the truth. It’s the brutality of what’s going on that devastates him.

“Simon? No, Simon’s different. He doesn’t say anything. He pretends like nothing’s happening. He retreats into his own little world. But I know he’s just as sad. I think he doesn’t want to add to my suffering. He’s trying to protect me too, in his own way. Oh my God, everything is difficult today. Every time, I think I won’t make it. I’m sorry. I’m talking about myself too much. How are you? Is everything all right with Clotilde?” Victoria listened carefully, nodding.

“She only got back this afternoon? Where was she? Damn it, Pierre, you deserve an explanation. You can’t just let her do anything she wants because you’re afraid of losing her. What’s happened to us, Pierre? It wasn’t that long ago we were happy.”

Pierre talked for a while, and Victoria listened as she watched the children play. Then she hung up, put the phone back in her pocket, and hunched over again. Jeremy realized just how much strife he had created for his wife and children. He was horrified. She was there, right in front of him, desperate, tired, at the end of her rope. He was a monster.

“Thomas, Simon, let’s go inside. It’s starting to get cold.” Victoria stood up and watched her two sons come close to her.

They walked away. Jeremy saw their silhouettes melt into the soft light of that spring evening as they walked toward the door.

Night had almost fallen when he decided to leave his hiding place, groggy and overwhelmed with sadness. He had to do something. He didn’t have much time left.

He wasn’t very far from a synagogue on Pavée Street. His tears plunged him into a sort of drunkenness and he walked without hearing or seeing much of anything. He emerged from his numbness in front of the house of prayer. Over the intercom, a voice asked for his name.

“I’m Jeremy Delègue. I’d like to see the rabbi.”

“Do you have an appointment, sir?”

“No, but it’s important. Very important,” he answered firmly.

“I’m afraid you’ll need an appointment. I’m his assistant, and I can set one up for you…Next week if it’s really urgent.”

“I can’t. Tonight I’m going…I’m going away.”

Two or three seconds passed.

“Are you part of our community?”

“No. My father went once or twice a long time ago, but…I need to see the rabbi.”

“That’s not really an option, sir. Our security rules prevent us from letting people in after hours.”

“I don’t care about your rules!” Jeremy croaked. “You have to help people in need!”

He pounded on the door with both fists. “Open up! Open up!”

“Sir…Please wait a moment. We’ll take care of you.”

Jeremy slid against the door, leaning on the thick wood. He breathed slowly. After a few minutes, someone called to him. Someone he hadn’t heard arrive.

“Stand up. Face the wall.”

Jeremy looked up, but a light blinded him. He put his hand over his eyes to see who was speaking.

“Don’t do anything stupid. Get up slowly.”