Still With Me

He saw a police officer’s hat. Then another one just behind him. A car with its lights turned off had come to a stop in front of him.

“What do you want?” Jeremy asked the officer who pointed the flashlight at his face, his other hand on his gun.

“I want you to get up nice and easy, without making a scene.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong. I just wanted to see the rabbi. I have to talk to him.”

“The rabbi is gone. We’re the ones you’re going to talk to.”

As soon as Jeremy got up, four hands turned him around, shoving him against the door, pulling his arms behind his back, and slapping cuffs on his wrists.

Another voice spoke up, this one softer.

“Don’t hurt him. He’s probably just distraught.”

Jeremy saw a face nearby, the face of the young assistant, a gabbai. He had a thin beard, and framed by circular silver glasses, his large, dark eyes seemed to beg forgiveness.

“I’m sorry, sir. It’s for our safety. The rabbi was attacked recently. And if they tell me everything’s…fine…then I’ll set up an appointment for you with the rabbi as early as next week.”

“It’ll be too late,” Jeremy said plaintively. “Too late.”

Jeremy was in an office alone, hands cuffed.

The detec

tives had interrogated him without much conviction. They were quickly satisfied by his explanation.

“My wife and me, we’re separated. I fell apart. I wanted to see the rabbi so he could help me.”

“And why was it so urgent?” the detective had asked.

“Because tomorrow…I’m going on a trip.”

He didn’t look like a madman on the loose. He looked like a man who’d been abandoned and betrayed. So they’d given up on the anti-Semite idea and went to verify some information. As soon as he felt exhaustion start to anesthetize his arms and legs, a new idea crossed Jeremy’s mind. An idea both brilliant and terrifying.

This is it. I’m going to fall asleep, and everything will start over again. But this time I won’t let that repulsive part of myself do any more damage.

Wracked with chills, he went over the different symptoms in his mind one by one, slowly, trying to put some distance between himself and the pain. This time he wouldn’t be surprised. He’d be less afraid. He was going to welcome the old, bearded man without trembling. But first he had to go through with his plan. One that would get his wife and children away from the malice and the vengeance of his other self.

Jeremy screamed as loud as he could. A detective rushed into the room.

“Why are you yelling like that?”

“I have a confession to make.”

“A confession? What confession?” The detective looked surprised and a little annoyed. He had been about to go home when Jeremy had screamed.

“I deal coke. Go to my apartment; you’ll find a whole pile of it.”

The detective, dumbfounded, gazed at this docile man who was admitting a crime no one suspected him of, all the while smiling.

Yes, Jeremy smiled. He laughed inwardly at the trap he had set for his dark side. His wife and children would finally be rid of him. The detective questioned Jeremy. Jeremy didn’t answer. Serene, he gave in to his fatigue, ready to be done with everything and make room for the other—the one who would wake up to a scene that Jeremy had set in motion.

What can an old man do to me anyway? With his prayers and suffering and oblivion. Jeremy waited, smiling.

SIX

The few rays of sunlight that crept through the bars of the window dissolved easily in the white neon light. A man stared at Jeremy from a steel bed exactly like his own, tray on his knees, slowly chewing a piece of bread. The man’s eyes were cold and heavy. His impressive musculature testified to an animal force that was capable of surfacing at any moment in order to seize its prey. His face was thick, and his features looked to have been shaped by a hail of fists.