“I still can’t believe you snuck out and ditched Cal the other night.”
I glared at Harper. Leave it to her to bring that up. Still, she had to be a mind reader. Either that or I wore my thoughts, because I had just been thinking the same thing. Even though it hadn’t been my intention to sneak out and ditch him.
After the amazing sex, I’d realized that, once again, passion had overridden logic and, in turn, I lost my common sense. But I had been willing to stop and think. I just wanted to take a moment to reset and face Cal with a fresh face. Best laid plans turned into Cal staying asleep and me not returning. Thankfully, Rhett was a nice guy. But it was more than the involuntary sneaking that was a problem. It was the insanity.
>
I knew better. Knew what having an incredible night with a man you got lost in does to a soul. I knew how feeling less than enough, one of many, or confused in general tore at a heart. Problem was, deep down, I was doing all these things to myself. When I was with Jack, I was in a constant state of wonderment. Waiting for him to tell me how far we’d go and how close we’d get. But Cal was trying. It was me who was retreating. And it was me who spent the last two days avoiding his calls and texts.
“I have no idea what I’m doing,” I admitted, my breath fogging in the cold air as I spoke.
“You’re living your life,” Harper said. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“But I know I’m handling this situation with Cal wrong, and yet I can’t bring myself to face him or fix it.”
“What is there to fix?”
“Well, the fact that we had sex and we can’t have any kind of relationship.”
“Why?”
I slowed and so did Harper. She looked at me like this was totally normal.
“Harp, I had sex with Cal…and Jack.”
“Jack is gone.”
“I know!” Putting my hands on my hips, I caught my breath, and Harper faced me. “It’s not just that they’re best friends, but there’s other stuff going on too.”
“You mean that you like Cal and, on some level, trust him, and now you’re terrified and running from him because you’ve been burned.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. Because yes, that about summed it up.
“He has women visit often enough to where his buddies know the escape route to put them on.”
“What?” Harper asked.
“Nothing, I just don’t want to be one of those women. One of many that creeps through the firehouse walls.” Especially when, despite my best efforts, I was feeling for Cal. “I can’t go through any more,” I said. I wasn’t about to rehash the Brock issue, but the fact that I’d gone straight to Cal made me feel…dependent. Something that left me feeling weak, and I didn’t want that. I hated the thought. And yet, he made me feel wanted and safe at the same time. It was a line I hadn’t figured out how to walk along yet.
“Cal and I give each other shit and yeah, we’re not besties,” Harper started. “But I know he actually thinks of you beyond a one night kind of thing. If he didn’t, I would have said something.”
“You did say something,” I reminded her. “Remember, when I first met him at the party in the park. You told me he’s a runner. He’s used to women that ‘know the drill.’”
“All that is true.”
Frustration was rising. “Then how do you know that he cares about me beyond a single night?”
Harper looked me dead in the eye, “Because he put you first when it came to Jack.”
“What does that mean?” I said firmly.
“I guess there was an incident between Cal and Jack. I don’t know exactly how it went down, but Cal stepped aside, so you could be with Jack. If he was trying to get into your pants, he would have already pursued you for just that and wouldn’t have cared if you were with Jack or not.”
My mind raced, thinking back to when I was with Jack and Cal in the bar a couple months ago. When I’d realized they knew each other. Jack never told me the discussion they had outside, but whatever it was made Cal back off.
The other night, when I was wrapped up in Cal, he’d said that he’d waited for me…
“How do you know this?”
“Rhett told me bits and pieces.”