“Daddy?” Lanie’s scared voice sounded outside the door.
“Now you’re scaring them,” Terra said, rushing past me to the door. “It’s okay, baby,” she said taking Lanie’s hand. “What do you want for a snack?”
I scraped my hand over my face wondering how my life had gotten to this. Did she really think I didn’t work hard to make sure she was living the life as she was accustomed to when she was growing up? That I was working to provide a future for our children?
I stalked out of the bedroom and back to the kitchen. I mustered a smile. “Daddy’s got to go take care of some things at the office.”
“Don’t go daddy,” Lanie said, rushing over to wrap her arms around me. At least someone cared.
I kissed her and then Noah. “I love you guys,” I looked at Terra, and unfortunately, pain and resentment kept me from telling her that I still loved her too. I turned and headed out the door and back to the office; the one place I felt competent, respected, and appreciated.
6
Terra
I blamed both Brayden and myself for our marriage’s problems, except for the last two weeks. The increased tension between us since then was on me. Ever since I noticed the blemish on my breast, I couldn’t seem to help myself. Anger and fear had me lashing out at him, starting with suggesting he was trying to buy Noah’s affection, up to now, not working harder to let him know I didn’t really want a divorce even when I was talking to a lawyer about it.
The day after I found the anomaly on my breast, I
was able to get into my doctor’s office the very next day. I could see the concern on my doctor’s face, even though she said the lump could be benign. So, I started all the tests; the scans and biopsy. I’d prepared to hear the worst, but when I walked into my doctor’s office today for the results, and she asked if my husband would be there with me, I knew the news was bad. If it was good news, I wouldn’t need support.
As she spoke, all I heard was stage three, and everything inside me went numb. The rest of her words were a blur…chemotherapy to shrink the tumor…surgery…radiation…
By the time I was home, all I could think about was preparing my children to grow up without me. It was morbid and yet, I knew first-hand what it was like to lose a mother to cancer. While the doctor was hopeful about a successful treatment, cancer was a killer, and there was no guarantee treatment would cure it.
I should have told Brayden when he arrived home, but the kids were there and he was clearly upset already. The truth was, I knew it would be easier to deal with his annoyance of me than his worry or pity at my condition. So instead, we discussed divorce. The death of our marriage wasn’t that far off.
When he left to go back to work, he’d told the kids he loved them, and then looked at me. For a moment, I thought I saw love for me in his eyes, but maybe that was wishful thinking. Instead, he left without a word to me.
“Mommy, when can we have our snack?” Lanie brought me out of my reverie. I finished getting them a snack, and then put all my focus on them. We played in the backyard and later, we made a fort and played board games in it. We had dinner and then watched TV. I gave the kids baths and then put them to bed.
As usual, Noah fussed, and so I lay down with him. Perhaps it was the busy evening, but it wasn’t until I was laying down in the quiet darkness, that my tears came. How long before I would be too tired or weak to play? Would I lose my hair, and if so, would it scare the kids?
“Mommy?” Noah’s soft voice sounded concerned.
“It’s okay, baby,” I said pulling him close. My mother had been so brave for me as she battled her illness, I could do the same. I would do the same. I settled in next to Noah, singing him a lullaby until he fell asleep.
Late in the night, I startled awake as I heard the front door open and close. Lanie’s door squeaked slightly telling me Brayden was checking on her. Noah’s door opened, but I closed my eyes as Brayden’s head peeked in. He closed the door and headed back to our bedroom.
For the first time in a long time, I put myself in his shoes, and guilt filled me that he’d been sleeping by himself for a long time. When I first started laying with Noah, my only goal was to calm him down and get him to sleep faster. But I suppose now, I did it partly to avoid Brayden. I should get up and go to my own bed.
Noah turned over, snuggling deeper next to me. I bit back more tears as I knew I wouldn’t be returning to my bed tonight. At least not right now.
The next morning, I was able to get out of Noah’s bed without waking him. I headed to the kitchen where Brayden was drinking coffee as he looked out the window in the backyard.
He turned as I came in. “Tell me the truth. Do you stay with Noah for him or to avoid me?”
I swallowed the guilt that threatened again. “Noah. Mostly.”
His eyes closed as he turned away from me, and I hated that I was hurting him.
“Do you really want out of the marriage,” he asked.
“No. I just…you’re so disconnected from us…me.”
He brought his attention back to me. “You don’t have room for me anymore. You’ve put the kids first, which I suppose is more important, but I’ve been completely cut out.”
“You’re never here,” I said, trying to keep calm even though I could feel the resentment rise. He cut himself out by working nonstop. “You put work over us.”