They’d be alright, I thought as I wiped my tears.
“Mommy, save me, save me.” Lanie rushed to me.
I pushed my grief away, wrapping my arms around her. “This is my baby,” I said to Brayden as he approached.
“I’m the kissy monster…”
Lanie squealed as she sunk deeper into my lap. “He’s gonna get me mommy.”
“I’m gonna kiss her too,” he said. With one hand holding Noah’s leg, Brayden put his other hand behind my neck, leaned forward, and planted another firm kiss on my mouth. Then just as quick, he lifted Lanie from my lap, and kissed her.
“Oh no, he distracted me. The kissing monster got my baby,” I said teasingly.
His eyes sparked with a heat I hadn’t seen in a while. “It’s good to know I can still distract you.”
My entire body flushed with warmth. I’m sure my cheeks turned pink. God, I so desperately wanted to let my heart go and run off with all this emotion. But until I knew my prognosis, it would be cruel to him to give him hope only to leave him.
By that evening, the kids were exhausted. I was tired too, but in a good way. It was the kind of tired from a well-lived life. Brayden gave that to me, to us, today.
I helped Noah get ready for bed, and was about to lay down with him, when Brayden came in. He lay down on the other side.
“Noah?”
“Hmmm,” Noah’s voice was sleepy as his eyes closed.
“You’re a big boy now, aren’t you?” Brayden said.
“I’m four.”
“Do you think you can sleep in your own bed and mommy can sleep in hers?”
My first instinct was to protest, but I caught myself when I realized Noah wasn’t protesting.
“What if I get scared?”
“Then we’ll come in. But you’ve got George watching out for you. And here,” Brayden got up and grabbed a large stuffed teddy bear that sat on Noah’s shelf. “This bear will be here too.” He set the bear beside Noah, who snuggled into the plush toy.
“You okay, Noah?” I asked, trying to understand the sadness I was feeling. This should be a good thing. It was a good thing. And yet, I was sad that he didn’t need me.
“Goodnight, son.”
“Night daddy.”
I kissed his forehead. I started to tell him that if he needed me to call, but I didn’t want Brayden to think I was sabotaging his plan.
“Goodnight, honey.”
“G’night mommy.”
Brayden took my hand and led me to the living room. “Want some wine?”
I was tired and feeling like I should be with Noah, but I knew I’d destroy everything if I went to be with Noah. Or maybe I was trying to avoid being alone with him because I didn’t want to tell him about the cancer. Once that was out, everything would change. “Yes. That would be nice.”
He poured me a glass and came to sit with me on the couch. “We need to talk.”
I nodded. I was apprehensive. Brayden and I rarely talked alone anymore.
“I’m going to look into ways I can work less,” he said.