This was what I wanted all along. Plus, if he worked less, that would mean more time with the kids, which would be important if I didn’t survive. So why didn’t I grab hold of his words?
“You don’t h
ave to do that. Your work is important.”
He frowned. “So are you and the kids.”
I looked down into my wine. I needed to tell him about my cancer, but I couldn’t seem to find the words.
“I thought this was what you wanted. What’s going on?” Irritation laced his tone.
“You don’t need to do us any favors.” Again, I cursed myself for such insensitive words.
His eyes flashed with anger. “Jesus, Terra. Do you really think that’s what today was?”
“No.” I shook my head.
He started to move away, but I put my hand over his forearm.
“No. Today was lovely and I know you did it because you love the kids.”
“And you. I love you too, Terra. Is that it? You’ve stopped loving me?”
“No.” I’d always love him.
“Then what is going on? I’m trying to fix this between us. I want to take you out without the kids like we used to, but you seem to be putting on the breaks on everything I try. Why is that?”
I took a gulp of wine, trying to find the words to tell him I was sick. “I’d like to go out,” I said instead.
He studied me like he wasn’t sure if he could believe me.
“Emma could watch the kids.” I told myself that I’d tell him about my illness then. I wouldn’t spoil our lovely day with my news, even though I knew I was just making excuses because I was a coward.
“I’ll set it up,” he said, still looking skeptical.
I smiled.
“You look tired,” he said, pushing a strand of my hair behind my ears. I closed my eyes as I savored the warmth of his hand and the tenderness in his voice.
“I am. You wore us out today.”
“Come on then. Let’s go to bed.”
I wondered if he was going to try and have sex with me as he led me to our bedroom. I wondered if I’d feel comfortable enough in my body to let him. Instead, once we had our pajamas on and climbed into bed, he simply pulled me into his arms and held me.
“We’ll be okay, Terra,” he whispered. “I promise.”
I pressed my lips together to keep the cry of despair from escaping. I lay in his arms for the first time in longer than I could remember, wanting to fall into him and his love, and yet knowing it was possible that this time next year or maybe the year after, he’d be in this bed alone.
11
Brayden
Waking with Terra by my side the next morning, I wanted to believe that I made headway in the save-my-marriage plan, but I couldn’t be sure. There were moments when I felt like I was connecting with Terra and other times, she still felt out of reach. Worse, I got the feeling she wanted to keep the distance between us. Why?
Even in sleep, she looked tired, so I let her sleep as I got ready for work, and then got the kids ready for school. She woke just as I was helping Lanie get her backpack together.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sleep in. I must have slept through the alarm.”