“It’s an hour or so before the kids get home. Why don’t you rest,” I said as I helped her into bed. She didn’t argue as she rolled to her side. I lay next to her, spooning my body around hers, wishing I could transfer my strength, my life, to her.
“Thank you,” she said quietly.
I kissed her temple. “Rest, baby.”
Side effects did eventually come, and it was so fucking frustrating to not be able to help her more. But she was a trooper. After a day of treatment, she was up and taking care of the kids as usual even though she looked like she had a severe case of the flu.
“I want them to feel like everything is normal,” she said to me when I suggested we hire help. I couldn’t decide if she was having a hard time letting her role as mom and homemaker go, or if it really was about the kids and wanting them to feel like everything was okay.
But everything wasn’t okay. She was being treated for cancer. While the kids might have some concerns seeing her weakened by treatment, it would be worse if Terra made herself even sicker. But Terra was a trooper and not one to abandon her duties. I suppose in some ways we were alike in that regard, as I struggled to let my work duties go.
For the next few weeks, she had treatments two times a week, and then carried on as normal. I was so fucking proud of her, even as I worried she was pushing herself too hard. Her oncologist said she could resume normal activities if she felt well enough, but that she needed to be careful about getting germs since her immune system was down.
I was there for every treatment, although admittedly, when I was working, I spent long hours at the office, often coming home late. Each time it happened; I could feel her moving farther away from me.
“I know I’m not very interesting to be around anymore Brayden, but the kids are and they’d like to see you sometimes,” she said when I came home after nine. Her first round of treatment was done, and I’d hoped to get back to a normal schedule, but three projects ran into significant snags during the course of the time I wasn’t working full time. Only the cloud security project was moving along without a hitch.
“I’ll take them out this weekend,” I said trying to rein in my anger. I was doing the fucking best I could to run a multi-million-dollar company and care for my family. I’d be an ass for getting upset since she was ill, and yet, she only seemed to notice and mention my failings. She hadn’t said much about how I was at every appointment, or how the kids were ready for school every day, or how the bills were being paid on time.
“They think you love your job more than them.”
If she’d stabbed me in the heart it wouldn’t have hurt as much as those words. “Want me to quit? Close down the business? That would let me be with you, but then everyone who works for us would be on the streets. Is that what you want Terra? Should I shirk my responsibility to them?”
“So instead you shirk your responsibility to the kids.”
I wanted to rein in my anger, but I couldn’t. “I’ve been getting them up and to school every day. It’s not like I never see them. What’s really going on here?” Then it came to me. “You’re not thinking I’m cheating, again are you?” Boy that would really take the cake.
“I just wonder if there would ever be a point at which you’d feel like you had enough money, enough security.”
“I do have enough, but it could go in a minute. Do you know what your last medical bill was? Probably not because I’ve taken that responsibility over too.”
She flinched and I hated that my anger was making me act like an asshole. “I can do the bills.”
“I’m doing them to help you Terra. You’re riding my ass for not being present when I’ve done all I can to help you during your treatment. You seem to only see my faults and not recognize the things, few as they may be, that I?
??ve done that are good.”
“Are you saying we don’t have the money for the bills?”
“I’m saying that it’s expensive. We have a couple of projects that might tank, which will also cost the company. The stock market is volatile—”
“There’s always something.” Apparently, she decided she was done as she left the room.
I wanted to win the fight, but knew I wouldn’t, so I let her go. Instead, I had a stiff drink while I paid the bills and ordered another week’s worth of the boxed meals Terra arranged to have delivered during her treatment.
When I went to bed, I found a note on the bathroom mirror reminding me that she had a follow up doctors’ appointment in a few days. That wasn’t so bad. What annoyed me was the comment on it about hoping I’d be able to fit her in my busy schedule.
I lay in bed feeling like a complete failure. I defended myself. I truly did want to make sure that the business and our family would be financially secure. But I also knew that in some ways she was right. I sacrificed time at home to have that security. I told myself that I did it for them. I believed it too. But was my relentless pursuit of it worth the relationships with my wife and children? The answer was no.
I ground the heels of my hands into my eye sockets. My drive for security had become a thing unto itself. The reality was, I’d socked away enough money, invested well, and was fiscally responsible that if the business went bankrupt tomorrow, we’d be okay. We could live on investment interest for a little while, longer if we downsized, and put the kids in public school.
I turned my head toward Terra’s side of the bed. I was failing her and the kids and that was the worst fucking feeling in the world.
20
Terra (Three weeks later – Wednesday)
When I had my children, I didn’t use any drugs. Not that I was against it, but my labor, while long and intense, was fairly normal for deliveries. There were no complications and it progressed just as the books said it would. Fairly quickly after the kids were born, I had a second wind, so I felt really good about my ability to manage pain and fatigue.