Once I had the kids in the car with me, I announced we were going to the park. A collective yay, came from the back seat.
“Should we get a snack too?” I asked.
“Can we get ice cream?” Lanie said.
“Why not?” You only live once, right?
We got ice cream in cups to avoid a mishap in the car and make it easier to eat at the park. Then we drove to the park.
“Mommy, are you all done at the doctor?” Noah asked as we sat on a park bench.
My heart clenched in my chest. “Not quite, baby.”
Lanie frowned. “Why not?”
“There’s more sickness.” I looked at my two children, a perfect mesh of both me and Brayden. I couldn’t tell them the extent of my illness, but I couldn’t lie to them either. “In a couple of weeks, I’m going to have a surgery to take it out of me.”
Noah’s eyes widened. “They’re going to cut you?”
I nodded.
“Then you’ll be better?” Lanie asked.
“I’ll have to have some more treatments, but after that, hopefully I’ll be all better.”
Noah’s lip quivered. “Are you going to die?”
Tears flooded my eyes. “I hope not.” What else could I say?
“Your mommy died,” Lanie said, her eyes looking concerned.
My heart hurt so bad that I couldn’t alleviate her fears. “My doctor says this will make me all better.”
“Do you miss your mommy?” Noah asked.
“Yes. Every day. I wish she could have known you. She’d love you both so much. Just like I do.”
“Do you have what she had?” Lanie was only six, but she clearly was more astute than I’d given her credit for.
“It’s similar.” I couldn’t bring myself to tell them it was the same. I didn’t want them to think I was headed to the same fate as my mother. I remembered how scared and sad I was when I learned my mother would die. I didn’t want my kids to go through that if I could avoid it.
“But you’re going to get better,” Noah asked, with a hint of panic in his voice.
“I’m going to do everything the doctor says for me to do.” I now understood why my mother fought until the end, even as it took away her ability to live and enjoy life. She’d done it for me. Like her, I couldn’t pass up on any chance, no matter how small, that I could get well and live a full life watching my kids grow up.
“Does daddy know?” Lanie asked.
“Yes.”
“Who will take care of us if you die?” Noah asked.
His question startled me, and yet, it wasn’t unusual for him or even Lanie to ask such direct questions. Still, it was a revelation that they thought Brayden wouldn’t take care of them.
“Your daddy will.”
“But he works a lot,” Lanie said.
“I don’t want you to worry about being taken care of. That will never be a problem. Okay? Even if your dad is working, there will be someone like Emma there for you.”