He laughed derisively. “I remember saying the same thing to you the night of Meredith’s party, and you’re not accepting it. But you’re right, sorry is just inadequate.”
He began to turn back to his chair. I reached out and put my hand on his forearm. “Tucker.”
He looked down at it and then at me. “You’re not going to kiss me, again are you? Every time you’d push me away, I’d respect it and then you’d kiss me and give me hope that you cared for me. Turns out you just wanted my dick.”
“It’s not like that Tucker.”
“Well it’s a good thing you didn’t come here with any expectations, because I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”
I released my hand and nodded. “You’re right, sorry isn’t enough. I wish I knew the words to say.”
He moved to sit in his chair. “I loved you, you know. I really did.”
The fact that it was in the past only made it hurt more. But it was a pain that I’d brought on myself.
“In the future, if you’re honest and include your man in your decisions, you might just yet have that family you want.”
To my mind, a husband and children was now a fading dream. But I nodded again. “I know you’ll find a wonderful woman and have those twins.”
“Right. After I sow my oats and find a woman closer to my own age.” His tone was bitter and he shook his head. “Fuck.”
I flinched again.
“I don’t mean to be an asshole.”
“I hurt you. It’s only natural to be bitter and resentful. I hate that I’ve done that to you. I wish I’d been stronger at resisting you then we wouldn’t be here.”
He sat back and his eyes were so sad. “Or you could have gone all in, and we’d be living a happily ever after. Including those twins.” He closed his eyes and scraped his hands over his face.
Me, I was momentarily poleaxed by his comment. He couldn’t have possibly been thinking of us a
s a long term, forever deal, could he?
When he looked at me again, he’d put on his impassive expression. “I appreciate your honesty.”
“Of course. I’m sorry I—” I didn’t know how to finish that. Sorry I fucked things up? Sorry I hurt you? Sorry I’m not brave enough. Instead I turned and left his classroom.
The minute his door closed behind me, I sagged against it. I wanted to cry but I heard movement up the hall so I forced myself together.
“Hey Hol.” Becky and Karen approached me. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Listen, we're planning a girl’s night at Salvation Station tonight, why don’t you come? We haven’t hung out with you in a long time,” Becky said.
I shook my head. I still wasn’t ready to show my face publicly.
“Or do you have a hot date with Tucker McHottie.”
Becky shot her a look, that suggested that was a no-no topic. I hadn’t told Becky all the sordid details, but since it had gotten out about the fake marriage and his living with me, I’d told her enough that she knew I’d cared for him, but that it was over.
“No hot date. I just—”
“We’ll bring the party to you,” Becky said. “Then we don’t have to worry about driving home. We can have a slumber party.”
“Oh, that sounds fun,” Karen said. “I’m for that.”
“I don’t know—”