“Listen, Holly, you can’t hide out forever. You have friends,” Becky said, sympathetically.
“I just can’t face the embarrassment.”
“I get it.” Karen nodded. “And I won’t tell you that no one is talking about it, but they’re not necessarily being judgy. Some people, like me and Becky here, admire your willingness to put it all on the line for the kids.”
Becky nodded. “Not many people would do what you did to get a children’s library, that’s for sure.”
“Seriously. You pimped yourself for a library.”
Becky gaped and my first feeling was mortification and then something snapped. Maybe I was going crazy, but I started to laugh. I don’t know why, except maybe the truth was I had pimped myself. I was having spectacular sex to convince a woman I was married so I could get money for a library.
Becky and Karen watched me for a moment like maybe they thought I’d gone crazy too, but then they laughed as well.
“So, we’ll bring the booze and food. You have the floor of your place ready for a girl’s night,” Becky said.
I nodded. “Yeah. Okay.” It was time I got back into the swing of life beyond going through motions. This would be an easy way back in.
33
Tucker
When the door closed behind Holly, I felt all my strength leave. I was like a sack of jelly as I sagged in my chair, emotionally whooped. It was sheer will that had me resisting reaching for her and trying to convince her to change her mind.
I was too young? What the fuck reason was that? Seriously? I wanted to tell her that was the dumbest excuse in the world, and yet, I could see on her face that it was true for her. I knew in society that age differences were a thing. Brooke had come across the same issue with Mo, but he seemed to get past it and they were happy. Holly knew the both of them, so she had to see it was true. Age was just a number. Love didn’t pay attention to such things.
The truth was, her reasoning hurt even more, for reasons I didn’t quite understand. I suppose it was because it was the one thing I couldn’t change. She’d always be older than me. It had also killed me when she said she wished she’d had resisted her interest in me. As painful as all this was, I wouldn’t have passed up the times I’d spent with her.
So I’d gotten angry at her lame excuses and her wish to have never been with me. And for a moment, I went with it. Wanting for her to know and feel just what I was feeling. But then I remembered Stark, and I knew I didn’t want to fall into the trap of wallowing in my pain. I didn’t want to treat the world like it was my enemy simply because Holly wasn’t brave enough to love me.
Then again, she never actually said she loved me. She said she cared for me. That was more than I’d gotten before, but fell short of what I’d felt. Which was probably why she could walk away so easily.
I heard her laughing outside my door, and it was like a fucking hot poker to my chest. No, she never loved me. And now that she’d appeased her conscience and told me the truth, she could go back to her old life, spending time with her girlfriends.
I packed my school bag and headed home. I considered making a weekend trip to Chicago. I couldn’t drive though because it was nine hours by car. I could fly, but that was still a big ordeal getting to an airport, the flight, and then dealing with O’Hare. No, I’d arrange to go home for Thanksgiving which was coming up soon. Brooke had invited me to spend it with her and Mo and her father, but I’d finally reached the point where I needed time away from this place.
Short of going home, there was Brooke. My home away from home. I hated to bother her now that she and Mo were on the right path. They’d even had a real wedding. I supposed they were still in their honeymoon phase, so I hated to interrupt her bliss with my shitshow of a life.
I’d just go home and drink. Maybe I’d stop at the animal rescue and get a cat or a dog to keep me company. I wondered if that was allowed in my rental agreement. God, I was pathetic.
I headed home, made myself some dinner, and then pulled out the bottle of whisky I’d stashed away. I opened the slider to my balcony and took a seat in my lounge chair. I figured I could stay here all weekend.
My phone pinged with a notification.
Open the door, you doofus.
Brooke. I wondered if she had a sixth sense about when I was in turmoil.
Why? I’m having a pity party. You’re not invited.
I put my phone on the little table knowing full well she wasn’t going away.
You can’t have any party that I’m not invited to. Open up or I’ll have your landlord let me in by order of the mayor.
I rolled my eyes, but got up and opened the door. “Why are you here?”
“I came because I haven’t seen you in a while. I know there’s been some fallout and I want to be here for you.”
“I’m just drinking and wallowing.”