I smiled. “Turns out being fake married wasn’t so hard after all.”
He looked down. “No. It wasn’t.”
“Perhaps it was too easy. I mean, look at us now. I was t
he last person to think I’d ever get accidentally pregnant. I hope it’s not putting a cramp in your style.”
His eyes narrowed. “Why do you say that?”
I’d been trying to be light and friendly, but his tone suggested he didn’t take it like that. “I messed up and now you have an obligation—”
“Obligation?” His body tensed.
“Yes.”
“Is that how you see this baby?”
I swallowed feeling like he and I were having two different conversations.
“No.” I was scared shitless about having a baby, and at the same time, since I’d had a few weeks to let the idea settle, I was happy about it. I’d been alone for so long and now I’d have someone to care for and to love that would love me back. This baby somehow made me feel tethered to the world. Like I wasn’t a single oared boat drifting in a vast ocean.
He looked at his watch.
“Do you have a date?” I asked.
“Jesus, Trina why do you do that?”
I stared at him, not sure what he was talking about. “Do what?”
“Assume the worst of me.”
I shook my head. “I’m not assuming the worst. You checked your watch which made me think you had somewhere to be.”
“I fucked you on your table an hour ago and you think I have a date tonight?”
I hadn’t really thought it through. I could only shrug.
He shook his head. “I checked my watch to see how late it is because I want to bring you over to my place.”
“Ryder, that’s not a good idea.”
“Me. I’m not a good idea. That’s what you’re saying right? Because I’m not organized, don’t have a 401(k), and my plates don’t match, I’m not worthy of you. That’s what you mean.”
“This isn’t a game, Ryder. Those things are important. Children need routine. They need stability.”
“And I don’t offer that? That’s what you’re saying? What else is wrong with me?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “And yet, I can’t get you to come to my house.”
“You and I…we’re too different.” My brain was in a fog as it tried to navigate what he was saying. It sounded like he wanted us to be together and part of me wanted to run into his arms and see what would happen. But the smart part of me said it was dangerous. The last few times he and I had been together we’d end up in bed and then later we’d fight. I didn’t want the sort of craziness in my life after working so hard to get out of it.
Our priorities and values didn’t completely align. Then there was the fact that our temperaments were like oil and water. We’d just never mix.
“Different. Is that your nice way of saying I’m useless?” he asked.
All of a sudden, anger erupted. I shot up from my chair. “What do you want me to say, Ryder? Do you want me to lie and say it doesn’t matter that you don’t have a safe home or financial security? I’m going to have a baby. I can’t waste time on an affair.”