“No, sir.” I didn’t have the energy to be hostile.
He frowned. “Are you sure you’re okay? Do you need the day off?”
“I’d rather work.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
I went back to my desk, and took care of the items on my to do list. Each time I saw Sinclair, I tensed, thinking this would be the moment she lambasted me for how I’d treated Ryder, but she seemed too preoccupied with her own work.
In the evening, at home from work, I took stock of my life. The one thing I’d realized that would need to be remedied first was that my apartment was too small. I decided it would be easier to move now than after a baby was born. But as I looked through the rentals available online, I didn’t see anything big enough that I could afford.
As the evening wore on, I felt more fatigued, but I was too afraid to go to bed, not wanting to see Ryder’s pain in my sleep. Eventually, I couldn’t put it off, and so I did a final tidy around my apartment and prepared to go to sleep even though it was only just after eight at night.
A knock at the door had me hoping that it was Ryder, even though I knew it wouldn’t be him.
I looked through the peephole and saw Sinclair. I opened the door.
“Here.” She tossed the book I’d made for her in high school at me. “I forgot to give this to you. At this point, I wouldn’t want it anyway. Where’s the friend that made this book, because the person in front of me isn’t here.”
Finally, she knew what had happened and was here to tell me off. It was sort of a relief that I wouldn’t be walking on eggshells waiting for it to come at work.
I opened the door to let her in, thinking I deserved whatever she was going to tell me.
“You’re a real bitch sometimes Trina, do you know that? What is wrong with you?”
I shrugged, not sure if it was a real question or a rhetorical one.
“Do you really think Ryder is a loser?”
“I don’t think he’s prepared—”
“So that’s a yes. If he’s a loser it's because he’s spent so much time pining after you.”
“That’s not true.” Feeling exhausted, I put the book on the coffee table and sat on my couch. It was strange to have coveted the book for so long, but now having it in my possession was a hollow victory. Of course, technically I didn't earn it. Maybe I should give it back, because seeing it was a reminder of the bet and how I spectacularly messed up my life.
Sinclair paced in my living room. “Ryder is the most kind-hearted, sweet human being that ever existed and you shit all over him.”
“I can’t worry about his feelings when I have a baby to think about.”
“You’re so full of shit, Trina. You only care about you.”
Tears came to my eyes. I wanted to blame the hormones, but I knew it was guilt and grief. “That’s not true.”
“It is true. You’re using that baby to keep Ryder away the same way you use order and organization and your bitchy attitude to keep everyone else away. News flash, Trina, not everyone is like your parents. Ryder won’t leave you—”
“He already did.”
She whirled on me. “You’ve got to be kidding me? You have some fucking nerve. You told him he was a loser and expect him to hang around? That’s what you wanted though, right? You want people to leave you and disappoint you.”
“I don’t want it, they just do.”
She jammed her fists into her hips. “Have you ever considered that it’s because of how you treat them?”
“So it’s my fault my mother left and my father couldn’t care for me?”
She blew out a breath. “No that’s on them. Everyone else that you push away, bully, and act heinous to, that’s on you. Besides me, Ryder is the only other person who has stuck around. You bitch and moan at work about being dismissed, ignored, and disrespected, but you don’t have any qualms about doing that to Ryder. For ten years you’ve mistreated him, and he stuck until even he couldn’t take it anymore. Do you know what it takes to make Ryder mad? I have no idea because I’ve never seen it. You, though, you were able to accomplish it.”
She was right. The fact was, she wasn’t saying anything I didn’t already