know. I even knew it before I had my little one-on-one therapy session through a therapy app on my phone. That woman told me I had two issues; one was that I saw the world as chaotic and unsafe based on my childhood, and two, I didn’t trust people to not let me down. Well duh. My need for control was what kept order and security. And yes, I didn’t trust people. My own parents couldn’t love me like I needed, why would anyone else? Especially a nice guy like Ryder.
“I’ll tell you what though,” Sinclair continued. “He won’t abandon that baby. He may not have his book alphabetized, hell, they may not even be on a shelf, but you’ll never find a man who is more dedicated to his family or willing to do whatever it takes to make them happy.”
“I know he’ll be there for the baby.” I never questioned that. I could already see him twirling the baby in circles, teaching him to throw a ball, showing him how to pluck a guitar. What I couldn’t see was all the other work that went into being a parent.
“He’s already met with a lawyer, so don’t think you’ll stop him from being a father.”
My stomach clenched at that news. Would he try to take my baby? No, not Ryder. He’d protect his rights, but he’d put the baby’s need first, that I was sure of.
“And I don’t know where you get off saying he can’t provide. You rent this place; he owns his. He even—”
“I thought your grandparents gave it to him.” I distinctly remembered him bragging about free digs when he first moved into the house after his grandparents moved to a retirement community.
“See, you don’t know shit. When they decided to sell, he bought it from them. And that fucking gig he did for Stark? He took that money and fixed up the house and invested in Salvation Station.”
My eyes widened in surprise.
“That’s right, he’s going to buy that place. From where I sit, he’s in a better position to provide than you are.”
I burst out crying because her words hurt even though they were true.
“Ah hell.” She sank down on the coffee table in front of me. “Don’t cry. Why aren’t you yelling?”
“Because you’re right. About all of it. I am a bitch. Ryder does deserve better.”
She studied me for a moment. “So why don’t you do something about it?”
“I don’t know how. I can’t help how I feel.”
“How do you feel?”
“I’m terrified. Alone. Sad. I hate myself for hurting Ryder. I…I…I’m broken.” The flood gates opened then and I wept in a way I never had before. I’d have been embarrassed to do it in front of Sinclair, but right now, I had no control.
“Oh, honey.” She sat on the couch next to me and pulled me into an embrace. She held me for a long time. I was comforted by it even as part of me warned me not to get used to it.
“When you’re triggered to build your wall, that’s when you need to stop and assess,” the therapist's words came back to me. “Ask yourself if you really need to protect yourself. Are your beliefs around what’s going on really true.”
Sinclair was my oldest friend. Over the years, we’d had fights and most of the time, it was because of something I’d done. I’d hurt her brother, a person she loved dearly. And yet, she was holding me as my world fell apart. So I guess the answer was no, I didn’t need to protect myself from her. She’d always been there, even when I didn’t deserve it.
As my tears slowed, I wiped them and straightened from her shoulder.
“Trina, do you love Ryder?” her voice was soft, not angry or tense.
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Why won’t you let him love you back? He really wants to.”
“Why?”
She laughed. “Beats the hell out of me, you silly bitch.”
I was able to laugh a little bit at that too.
“Or maybe it’s because he sees you. The real you that you don’t want others to know about.”
“He said he’s done with me.” His words and anger came back to me, making the little hope I had for a moment wither away.
She tugged me close and I rested my head on her shoulder. “Come on, this is Ryder we’re talking about. The guy will forgive you at hello,” she said referencing the Jerry McGuire movie.