I got in the car and I drove to a pharmacy two neighborhoods over. San Diego was a large city, but neighborhoods could be close-knit and I didn't want to run into anybody I knew while buying a pregnancy test. I bought the test keeping my head down like I should be ashamed. Why should I be ashamed if I'm pregnant, I wondered. But I knew it wasn't being pregnant that was shameful, it was sleeping with my boss without protection that was embarrassing. I was smarter than that. Or at least I thought I was. If I was pregnant, what would Ryan think? What would he do?
I shook my head trying to get those thoughts out of it. There was no sense in worrying about it until I knew for sure. So, I took the test back to the restroom in the store and locked myself in the stall. I read the directions on the box, peed on the stick, and then waited. There were many times in my life where I had to wait, and it seemed like it took a long time. But waiting the five minutes for a pregnancy test had to be the longest five minutes of my life. Never before had something had the potential to completely change my life. I was shaking when the five minutes was up, and I picked up the stick to see the answer.
PREGNANT.
I sank against the door of the stall. This couldn't be happening. I pressed my hand over my belly thinking of a child growing in there. A wave of awe and amazement came over me at the idea that I'd made a life with Ryan. But then I reminded myself that we were just friends with benefits. He'd insisted on no strings. It seemed to me there was no bigger string than a baby, and so I wasn't sure what was going to happen now.
I managed to make my way back to my car. My mind was a whirl trying to figure out what I was going to do. This seemed like something he should know. I wasn't pregnant by myself. He was a part of it. He hadn’t used a condom. He hadn't even asked about birth control. So, to a certain extent, he was as much to blame as I was. At the same time, he was adamant that our time together was just for fun. A short-term fling until we got each other out of our systems. He said that. So clearly, he didn't see a future with me. He saw me as someone he would fuck and tell he didn't want to fuck me anymore. I felt pretty sure having a baby wasn't something he'd consider as fun in our relationship.
Then there was the fact that he told me he didn't see himself marrying or having a family. He was adamant that his job was his life. And now that Carter knew about us, I was expecting at any minute that Ryan would call me and end things because as much as Ryan might like me and like to be with me, there was nothing more important to him than his family and the business.
I didn’t know how long I sat in my car in the parking lot, but by the time I started the engine and made my way home, I still wasn't sure what to do. It seemed like the right thing was to let him know and it wouldn't be fair to me to have to carry the burden alone. At the same time, I wasn't sure I could bear Ryan getting angry or disappointed at me, or telling me that while he'd provide for the child, he wouldn't want anything to do with being a husband and father.
I suppose the good news was I had time. After all it would be nine months or so before a decision really had to be made. I suppose the pregnancy would be obvious sooner than that but even so that still gave me a couple months to try and figure things out, right?
27
Ryan
I wasn't sure what to think the next day when Kellie didn't show up for work. I considered calling her but since she hadn't called me to tell me she wasn't coming in and instead had contacted HR, I figured she didn't want to talk to me. I tried not to take it personally. I knew she had to be uncomfortable, maybe even embarrassed at getting caught by my brother. So, I decided I'd give her a day and if she didn't come in tomorrow or didn't give me a call, then I would go talk to her.
Perhaps it was a good thing that she wasn't there because the next day Carter came barging into my office demanding to know what I was going to do.
"You have to let her go unless you're going to marry her for real," Carter said leaning over with his hands on my desk, his gaze glaring into mine.
I understood his concern about what a relationship between a Strong and one of the employees could do. But this was Kellie we were talking about. I didn't feel threatened by her. Although maybe that was naïve because Carter was right, I had to make a decision one way or another.
"You need to relax Carter," I said hoping my nonchalance might make him loosen up. For a moment I wondered if I was perceived as being wound up tight like he was in this moment. No, I don't think I was seen as wound up. I think mostly people thought I was boring. Except Kellie. She seemed to find me interesting enough. Or maybe it was like she said; she liked the fucking.
"Where is she anyway?" he asked, straightening from the desk and looking out my door towards Kellie's desk. "Oh, Jesus you didn't fire, did you? God if you fired her, we really are fucked."
"I didn't fire her. She called in sick probably because she's embarrassed at being caught by you. She probably thinks it's all over the building now and people are going to be talking about her."
Carter wagged a finger at me. "Don't put this on me. If you don't want gossip, don't sleep with your assistant or in her case, if she’s worried about gossip, she shouldn’t sleep with her boss. However, I haven't told anybody. At least not yet. But this is something that Gran needs to know and probably Hunter and Noah too, at least Hunter."
I wasn't sure what concerned me most; having Gran know or enduring Noah's smirk when he found out. "You need to keep this to yourself for now. Please. I just need a little time to figure out what's going to happen."
"You need to marry her or let her go, that's what needs to happen."
"It's not that easy." If this was easy, I’d have been able to avoid her in the first place.
"You said you were falling for her. If you love her, marry her. If you're just getting your rocks off, you need to let her go."
We’d been through this all last night, so I wasn’t sure why he was being such a dick about it again now.
"There's something in between the two," I said standing up to get rid of some of the negative energy that was starting to build. "Yes, I care for her a great deal. This isn’t just about my getting my rocks off. But I'm not sure we're at the getting married part."
"You're not in a position to ride this out, Ryan. You can't let this drag on and hope you either decide to get married or to let her go. In that interim, things can happen which could mean doom to the business or at least our reputation."
"I know exactly what’s at risk." I went over to the coffee brewer in the kitchenette of my office. I put in a pod and put a glass under the spout and pushed the button waiting for the coffee to brew.
"I don't think you do. This is serious, Ryan."
I turned to him leaning back against the counter and crossing my arms across my chest. "There's something more going on here, isn't there? Why is it so important to you that I marry her?"
For many years Carter had been like any other young rich man dating many women. Sowing his oats. But over the last few years, while I was sure he saw women, I never got the sense that he considered himself someone who would get married. It wasn't the same reason as me, feeling a total and complete commitment to the business to the exclusion of marriage and family, because I saw
what the loss of love could do to someone through my father's loss of my mother. For Carter it was something else, but I couldn't be sure what it was.