When I finished my beer, I pulled out my phone and opened my travel app. I would hang around another week or so to make sure my father was fully recovered, but then it was time to move on. Maybe I’d go to Europe. Hunter would be back soon, so it would make sense for me to follow him. There was no better distraction than to take a trip somewhere.
Maybe instead of traveling for work, I would go somewhere remote and difficult to get to because those trips required the most planning and physical exertion. I was going to need that to distract me and get over Jess.
22
Jess
There's a saying about being careful what you ask for, you just might get it. I wanted to protect myself and Tanner from Carter by pushing Carter out of our lives. I had succeeded in that. I got what I asked for. But instead of relief, I felt like the worst person in the world. The weight of the guilt was crushing me. His words played back to me on an endless loop: I am a good and decent man, Jess, who only wanted to be able to spend time with you.
He’d been wrong to lie to me about his injury and I was still upset by it, but the irony of the situation wasn't lost on me. My lie was so much bigger than his.
When I realized he wasn’t really hurt, my anger had taken over and I’d just let it rip, pushing him out of my life. If I behaved like that in response to a lie as little as feigning an injury, what sort of reaction would Carter have when he learned about Tanner? Whatever, it would've been, it would now be worse because it would be so egregious compared to his.
The only good thing that had come out of my successful break up with Carter was I now had more time to spend with Tanner. I did all the things that an at-home mom would do, including taking him to the park and then later baking cookies.
Now several days later, I was still enjoying being home with Tanner because it really gave me a chance to immerse myself in his world, but the guilt over keeping Tanner and Carter apart was just growing worse.
"Why are you sad mommy?" Tanner asked as he got up from the other side of the game board and came over giving me a hug and climbing in my lap. It was amazing to me how intuitive he was. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close.
"I lost a friend the other day and I'm feeling bad about it," I told him.
"Was he mean to you?" Tanner looked up at me with his gray eyes so much like Carter's.
I shook my head. "No, not really. He lied to me, but I was mean back to him."
Tanner's little face scrunched up in confusion. "You were mean to?"
"Yes. I was angry. Remember when you were mad at me, how sometimes you acted mean?"
His face turned away from mine and he rested his head against my chest.
"But I forgive you baby. I understand why you were so upset." I held him even closer, cradling him even though he wasn't the small baby he once had been before.
His face tilted back up at me. "You guys can say you're sorry and then be friends again."
I was pretty sure I'd ended any chance of that, if not now, then definitely when I told Carter the truth about Tanner, which I knew I had to do. Of course, I knew I had to do it all along and hadn't done it. Even now, I still hadn’t reached out to him.
I was more terrified now about telling him. All I could think about was that once I let Carter know about Tanner, I would lose my baby because Carter would have every right to call me a hypocrite and accuse me of never intending to tell him. If he believed that, he could sue for custody and then where would I be?
The door opened and Reggie came in. She’d been gone that afternoon to do some work in a local coffee café. She was sorting through the mail as she kicked the door shut behind her.
She stopped short as she saw us. "Who's winning?"
"I am," Tanner said, getting out of my lap and going to sit on the floor across from me again.
"I think he rigs the cards," Reggie said with a wink.
"What is rig?" Tanner asked.
Since I didn't want to explain cheating to him, I said, "It’s your turn, honey. "
He reached down and turned over the top card that held a yellow square.
"I'm moving far ahead of you, mommy," he said as he took his plastic player piece and moved it to the next yellow square on the board.
"I don't think I'll be able to catch up."
"You've got mail," Reggie said, handing me an envelope. My heart stopped when I saw the embossed return address of Strong Corporation. I looked up at Reggie who was watching me intently. Inside could be anything. If Carter had found out about Tanner already, it could be some sort of letter to appear in court.