"I understand. As long as you understand that I've missed three years and I don't know how I'm going to make that up to him or even to myself. But I know he needs his mother." I looked down as grief came quickly at the memory of losing my own mother. I took a gulp of my drink to hide it from Jess. Hiding was new to me, but I needed to guard myself from her.
"How do you see this playing out?” she asked.
"To be honest, I'm not quite sure. Every other day seems like it would be chaotic for him. Every other week might be too. I don't know how to do this."
"Maybe for the next few days we take this day by day and then once he's completely settled in with all this, we can look at drafting something a little bit more official."
"I want him to have my name, Jess."
She looked at me with round eyes, as if it never occurred to her.
"I'm not trying to make some sort of statement that takes him away. If you want to hyphenate the name, I'm okay with that. But he's my son. I want him to have my name." I hated how much emotion was coming through in my tone so I drank the rest of my drink. I considered getting more, but this is what had led to problems last night, and I promised her I wouldn't become a lush.
"Yes, of course." She looked up at me, her eyes so sad. "He does have part of your name already. Carter is his middle name."
Another well of emotion filled my chest. At least she’d thought of me. "Thank you for that.”
"I know what you think of me now Carter and I understand it. But you need to know that the week in Mexico meant everything to me. When I walked off that ship I was grieving because I was in love with you and couldn't tell you. But then I had this beautiful little boy to remind me of how magical that time had been."
I sucked in a deep breath to keep from letting my emotion pull me to her. Because I did want to go to her. I wanted to sit with her on the couch and pull her into my arms. I wanted to make all those promises to her that I'd been trying to tell her about before this exploded in our faces.
With my drink finished and my commitment to not have more, I stood to pace out the unsettling energy flowing through my body.
She rose from the couch. "Where should I put my wine glass?" she asked.
"Just leave it there on the coffee table. I'll deal with it later."
She set the glass down and walked over, blocking me in mid-pace. "I know you probably don't believe me or maybe it's too little too late, but I am really sorry that I hurt you, Carter. I made all the wrong choices, and I really regret that."
I gave her a curt nod because I appreciated the effort, even though she was right that it was a little too late. But as she moved to step around me, my hand reached out on its own accord settling over her
belly.
She turned, looking up at me, putting our faces mere inches apart. My mouth thirsted to taste her. My hands itched to touch her. My heart yearned to love her.
Words scrambled in my brain. I love you. How could you? Be with me. Why?
She pressed her hand to my cheek. “I regret losing you most of all.” With that, she extricated herself from my arm, and headed up stairs.
I stood in the middle of the room feeling so fucking lost.
Jess was right in that there was no way to work with a three old around, but I didn’t care. The numbers could wait. Instead, I watched in amusement as Tanner ran around my office checking out every little detail. I wondered if someday he’d be here taking my spot as part of the company.
“So, when were you going to introduce me to my great-grandson?” Gran’s voice came from the doorway.
I looked up at her with the silliest grin I’m sure.
Tanner stopped short and rushed over to me.
“Tanner, remember your grandfather yesterday?”
“Um hum,” he said, snuggling as close to me as he could get, as he watched Gran enter the room.
“Well this is his mommy. Your great grandmother. We all call her Gran,” I looked up to her wondering what Tanner should call her? Great-Gran? “Gran, this is Tanner.”
She pulled a chair over to my side of the desk and sat. “Well, aren’t you a handsome boy. A Strong for sure.”
“My daddy is strong.”