of the conversation, but I couldn't help but feel how right it was for us to be a family in my house. This is how it could've been had she been honest with me. This is how it should've been.
When I would think that, I would be reminded of my resentment. But the rest of the time, all I could think about is everything I wanted was right here. In as much as I wanted to reach for that, I was too afraid to trust her. She'd already proven the lengths that she would go to to keep my child from me, so I couldn’t be sure what else she might be capable of doing.
So the entire night, my heart was in a tug-of-war between wanting her and warning myself away from her.
That night playing together with Tanner, that tug-of-war continued and when Jess said she needed to get him home, I could hear hesitation in her voice, as if she knew I wouldn't want to let him go. I appreciated her recognizing that, but I had already decided that I wanted him to say. I wanted him to stay forever but knew that wasn't going to happen. At least not unless I could find my way to forgive Jess, assuming she'd want us to be a family.
After suggesting letting Tanner stay, I could see in her eyes that her initial response was going to be no, but thankfully I talked her into staying.
I wasn't sure how it was going to be knowing that she was just a few rooms away from me in this house, but I was going to make it work no matter what. Who knew, maybe I'd move her into the house into one of the extra rooms, and we could be sort of a family even if she and I weren’t a couple. It would be an odd situation, but we had to think about what was best for Tanner.
Once we got Tanner to bed and read him a bedtime story that I'd bought for him at the toy store, Jess and I headed downstairs. I poured her a glass of wine and myself a couple fingers of scotch with a little water. I was still feeling the effects of last night and decided that perhaps a little hair of the dog might help me.
As I handed her the glass, she seemed unsettled or uncomfortable.
"Why don’t you take a seat?" I said.
She smiled but I could see it was forced. She went over to the leather couch and sat. Not wanting to crowd her, I sat in a chair across from the couch with a coffee table between us. It occurred to me that I had sometimes had fantasies of having her on that couch. I wondered if now that I knew the truth of her, if the wet dreams of her would stop.
"This day has turned out to be nothing like I imagined," I said. I had meant it to be light, but Jess looked down as if she felt shame.
I wasn’t going to go out of my way to make her feel bad, but there was a part of me that was pleased that she recognized how heinous her actions had been.
"The reason I had gone over to your place this morning was to apologize for last night," I said, thinking like last night was a million miles away. "I was rude and I embarrassed you, and I'm sorry. I hope that Kevin won't hold that against you."
"It doesn't matter if he does or doesn’t. Like I said before, it was just a friendly dinner." She took a sip of her wine. "Although he might resent me because Hunter said he couldn't ever eat there again."
My lips twitched upward a little bit loving how my brother had my back. "He has a list like that, you know. Have you ever heard of Jason Tollison? He's constantly getting booted out of there for a month or so."
We both laughed softly at that, I suppose needing the levity.
"But if you want, I'll talk to Hunter."
"He won't let me there again either,” she said.
"I'll definitely talk to him about that."
She shook her head. "It's all right. Cesare’s really isn't in my budget anyway."
I nearly pointed out to her that it would've been had she realized sooner how much I wanted to give her, but I suspect she knew that already, so I'd only be an asshole by bringing it up.
"I've never seen you drunk like that before..." She didn't finish her sentence, but I got the feeling she was fishing around to find out if I had a drinking problem.
"The only other time I've been like that was the first night off the ship after we parted."
Her gaze jerked up to mine. I saw disbelief and then grief in her eyes. "Was it because of me?"
I shrugged. "The easy answer is yes. But I'm pretty sure my grandmother would smack me alongside the head and point out that I chose to drink. I chose to drink because I was feeling bad and trying to make it stop. It won't happen again. I promise you that, Jess. I'm going to be a good father."
She smiled at me. "I know you are."
There was an awkward silence, and so I decided to forge forward with the rest of the things that needed to be said. "Because I want to be a good father. I want to see as much of him as I can. I know I have to share, but I want my fair share too. None of that every-other-weekend bullshit."
I watched her to see her reaction. Was she going to fight me on this?
"I want to do whatever's going to be best for Tanner, and so I have no reason to fight with you about sharing custody. But I'm going to be honest Carter, and tell you that it is hard for me. I've had him to myself for three years. Don't get me wrong, I want you in his life. I am so happy to see you and him together because I know he deserves that."
I noted she thought Tanner deserved to have his father, but not that I deserve to have Tanner. Perhaps it was just semantics, but it still bothered me.