Finn avoids my gaze. “I didn’t think it wise for you to be seen with him.”
Anger overpowers shame, flaring hot inside my chest. “Because he’s a servant? Because he’s not fine enough for this fancy room and these fancy people? Perhaps you haven’t noticed, but neither am I!”
Scowling, Finn grabs my hand and pulls me through the crowd as though I am a petulant child. We enter a small side room with furniture draped in protective sheets.
“Why are we in here? Am I embarrassing you?”
“Don’t be petty, Jessamin. Of course I don’t care that he’s a servant.”
“Really?”
“Really!”
“Then why the rush to keep me from speaking with him in front of all of your noble peers?”
“I care nothing about them! Forgive me if I’d rather not see you speaking with a handsome man who is clearly interested in you!”
I stop, mouth open. Finn was jealous? That’s what this is about? “Kelen is an old friend.” Or used to be. I’m not sure he can ever forgive me for what I’ve become, not after what this country did to his mother.
Finn takes a deep breath, calming his features. “It’s not safe. That’s all. Lord Downpike could see you chatting and identify Kelen as a potential target. There is a reason I have no close friends, no history with anyone. I can only protect so many people at once, Jessa.”
I narrow my eyes at him using my nickname. “So that is what you are doing with Ma’ati and Jacky Boy? Taking them under your protection?”
“Yes, of course.”
“And me?”
“Why would I not want to protect you?”
“Yes, taking away my job, putting me in a room I cannot afford on my own, the walks in the park, the meals, constantly hanging around the library and the hotel, dressing me like a spineless Alben lady and parading me around. You are doing precisely what I asked you not to, precisely what I refused to accept when you wanted to hide me away in some country estate. You’re trying to control me!” And I’ve let him. I’ve pretended to hate it, pretended at resisting it, but here I am. I think back on how happy I was to be on his arm earlier this evening and I cannot understand who I am or what I have done.
I know how I felt when I saw him waiting for me in the hotel. I can’t deny that. But I let myself be pulled along in the wake of people with more power than I will ever have. Kelen is right. I will never be an equal here.
Finn’s calm demeanor shatters, and he takes a step directly in front of me, forcing me to look up to see his face. “I’m not trying to control you! Spirits below, I’m trying to court you! Can you not see the difference?”
I lean back, needing some space between us so I can think, so I can breathe. “But . . . but you don’t want—I mean, you’re trying to break the shadow connection. I thought you wanted to be free of it. We agreed.”
He throws his hands in the air. “I told you how rare it is. I have only known one couple my entire life who shadowed each other.”
“Then ask them how to break it!”
His shoulders slump, and he turns away from me. “They’re dead. My parents were shadowed from the moment they met, and they loved each other more than anyone I’ve ever seen. Clearly I was a fool to dream I could have the same thing.”
His admission that he wants me, a relationship with me, leaves me scrambling to sort out how to respond. I shouldn’t be so shocked, but Albens are never so open about how they feel. “I can’t—I don’t want—I never wanted my mother’s life. I don’t want to be an Alben’s dusky prize.”
He recoils as though I’ve struck him. “For all you think we judge you, I have never once cared about the color of your skin or the country of your birth. But it would appear you cannot get past mine.” He reaches into his vest pocket and pulls out his deck of cards, letting them drop to the floor. “I will no longer try to be anything more than a burden to you. But don’t think for one moment I will stop protecting you.”
He moves to storm from the room, then stops, turns toward me, and bows, a cold, detached look on his face like the night of the gala. It hurts far more than I ever thought possible. “Good-bye, Jessamin.”
I watch him leave, too stunned to speak. Leaning down, I pick up the top card from the deck strewn on the carpet. It’s LOVERS, the edges far more worn than any of the others, as though it had been held and looked at a thousand times over.
Twenty-two
I PACE MY ROOM—NO, NOT MY ROOM, THE ROOM Finn paid for. It’s been a week since I saw him last. I’ve studied enough for a lifetime to busy my thoughts, but nothing helps.
Kelen’s and Ernest’s criticisms fly constantly through my mind, but still do nothing to push out Finn’s final words and the look on his face.
I can’t admit that I was in the wrong with Finn.