Beanstalker and Other Hilarious Scarytales

“Wait,” Jack said, staring up at those letters. “I don’t want this to be the end! Stepmother is right. I’m thinking short-term again. I need to think long-term. She said we already had everything we needed!”

Goldilocks patted his shoulder sympathetically. “Yes, then she climbed up a tree and went to sleep. Maybe her advice isn’t super dependable.”

“What are you good at?” Jack asked Cinderella and Prince Charring.

They both held up torches in response.

“And what are you good at?” Jack asked Goldilocks.

“Breaking and entering, mostly. But I used to herd sheep. They called me Little Bo Peep.”

“My snake is good at eating things.” They all turned in surprise to see a tall, round girl with a long, thick snake. The prince yelped in terror, jumping into Cinderella’s arms.

“How many things?” Jack asked hopefully. “We have, like, a few dozen … things … that need to be eaten!”

“Not that many,” Rapunzel said. “Even my fair Herr has his limits.”

Jack didn’t have time to ask for a spelling clarification. “Darn. So your snake can eat a few things. Goldilocks is good at herding things. And they’re good at fire.” Jack frowned. He rubbed his forehead. If only he still had his magic beans! If only he had a way for them to get those zombies and vampires out of the kingdom! If only—

“Fee fie foe fum,” Jack muttered. His brown eyes grew wide. “I have an idea?” he asked. (He asked because he had never really had an idea before, and he wasn’t sure what they felt like. But I know. Yes, Jack! You’re having an idea!) “If zombies and vampires don’t like the sun, they definitely won’t like fire. The sun is made out of fire, after all. And we can use fire and Goldilock’s herding skills to get them where we want them. And the snake can eat any stragglers!”

“Where do we want them?” Prince Charring asked.

Jack pointed to the sky. Against the dark of the night, a single black stalk could be seen. “The only way out of the kingdom is up. We drive them to the beanstalk, they climb, and then we chop it down when they’re all gone!”

Goldilocks threw her arms around Jack’s neck. “That’s perfect!”

“We need more supplies,” Cinderella said. “Gasoline, wood, gasoline, cloth, gasoline, matches, gasoline …”

“Books,” Prince Charring suggested. No! I shout. You cannot have any books! Prince Charring rubbed his ears. “Fine, fine, no books.”

Rapunzel stroked her fair Herr and gave him a pep talk. The prince stayed very far away from both of them.

Goldilocks ran from house to house, breaking and entering. Normally, I would chide her for violating the law, but tonight I’ll cheer her on. Go, Goldilocks, go! Find those houses that are just right!

Cinderella and Prince Charring followed, gathering everything flammable and inflammable (which inexplicably mean the same thing, because no one asked me if that made any sense before they decided that) they could find. Except books, because Prince Charring didn’t want to make me angry. They already had to deal with angry zombies and angry vampires, after all. And nothing is more terrifying than angry narrators.

Once everything was in place, all that was left to do was wait.

Jack hated waiting. He always got bored. But he had finally found a good solution to boredom: sheer and utter terror! He was so scared, he couldn’t even manage to complain about having to stand alone in the middle of the road.

Fortunately, he didn’t have to wait there long. Led by Red Riding Hood, the zombie horde shambled and lurched toward him. On the other end of the road, Snow White emerged from the night. Her smile was sharper than a knife. Behind her were the seven hirsute vampires. When Snow White saw Jack, she hissed. Jack had been the queen’s favorite. Spoiled. Free. Snow White wanted his blood more than anyone else’s! But she’d have to compete with Red Riding Hood, who wanted his brains more than anyone else’s.

Jack trembled. All he wanted—all he ever wanted—was something good to eat and a comfy place for a nap. But he had finally learned that you have to earn those things. “Oh boy!” he shouted. “I sure do have a large, juicy brain! And so much blood you can practically hear me sloshing when I run!”

All the red zombie eyes and all the glowing vampire eyes turned and fixed on Jack. Jack, be nimble! Jack, BE QUICK! Jack darted into the forest. Behind him, he heard hissing and growling, shambling and darting, groans for his brains and sweet cheerful calls for some of his blood, please.

He nearly turned around. Snow White was so beautiful, and so good, and so sweet! But he knew Jill was back there, too, with her little red riding hood. And she was not good or sweet! So he kept running.

Jack was getting tired, but he pushed himself even faster. Most of this was his fault, after all. When this was over, he was going to learn the name of every single vegetable in the world. He mig

ht even eat some of them! Finally he saw the beanstalk up ahead of him.

He ran past it and skidded to a halt on the far side. The vampires and zombies were almost to him. “Now!” he shouted. Cinderella and Prince Charring put their torches to the ground, and an impassable ring of fire fwooshed up in a circle around the base of the beanstalk. Snow White screamed and cried, batting her eyelashes and crying pitiful tears. Little Red Riding Hood stood so close to the flames Jack could smell her cooking. It cured his appetite.

Goldilocks ran around the perimeter, making sure no creatures escaped their trap. The fair Herr ate one wolf, one burly woodsman, and a single hirsute vampire. It was hard to slither anymore with three such large lumps inside, but Rapunzel clapped her hands in glee. “Who’s a good fair Herr? You are! Yes, you are!”

“That’s everyone!” Goldilocks shouted. “No more stragglers!”