Beanstalker and Other Hilarious Scarytales

“Just go!” Jack shouted at Jill. She was still trying to get through the fire to him. “It’s too hot!”

Even in her current state, Little Red Riding Hood knew that, for once, this too was too much. Following her lead, the vampires and zombies started climbing the beanstalk.

Up,

up,

up they climbed.

When the last trailing groan of “braaaaaaiiiiiins” had faded away to nothing, and Jack couldn’t hear Snow White’s tempting song anymore, Goldilocks handed Jack an ax.

She grinned. “You do the honors.”

Jack swung the ax with all his might. It hit the base of the beanstalk, and … barely made a dent. You really do need to start eating your vegetables, Jack. Panting for breath, he took another swing, then another. Rapunzel, impatient, took the ax from him. She had enormous muscles from hauling such a heavy snake up and down her tower. After three powerful swings, the beanstalk fell with a mighty crash. It knocked down trees and homes, even taking out part of the vine wall around the kingdom.

Jack stood proudly with his hands on his hips. As the sun rose over the smoldering, burning, smoking, broken, smashed, depopulated ruins of the kingdom, Jack and the gang patted one another on the back. “We saved everyone!” they cheered.

They slowly picked their way through the fires to where they had left the stepmother. She was standing beneath her tree, holding a baby.

“Rapunzel!” she said, using her free arm to hug the black-clad, Mohawked girl. “I thought you’d been eaten!”

“My fair Herr would never!”

If the snake could talk, he would have said, “Never say never. But not today.” His tummy hurt from all that undead dinner.

“Who is that?” Jack asked, pointing to the baby.

“I think I’ll name her Little Miss Muffet.”

Jack was very glad his stepmother had adopted him after he had already been named. But he grinned. “You were right. We did it! We used what we already had. We didn’t even need you.” Jack recounted the tale, complete with sound effects and a few fire flourishes from Cinderella and Prince Charring. “And then, when they were all up there, we chopped down the beanstalk!”

Rapunzel cleared her throat, flexing her muscles menacingly.

“Well, Rapunzel chopped down the beanstalk, technically. But we all worked together.”

The stepmother nodded approvingly. “I can’t believe it, but you did it. And you even managed to save Jill and Snow White.” She wiped a tear from her eye. “You gave them a new home, where they can be free! And where there’s no one for them to turn into more vampires or zombies.”

Jack smiled even bigger. And then he stopped smiling. “Oh, well. Umm. The cloud land isn’t exactly empty.”

Oh no.

Oh, no.

Turn the page for a peek at The Princess and the Page!

Sleuthing 101: Walk on the balls of your feet.

Bare feet are best for silence and speed.

WEDNESDAY (MERCREDI) JANUARY 15TH

None of this would have happened if Mom had just made macaroni and cheese for dinner. After all, it’s got grain and cheese in it. That’s two of the five food groups! But no, Mom went on this health kick ever since Dad’s doctor told him he had to watch his blood pressure.

“It’s time this family got healthy,” Mom announced, taking the saltshaker from Dad’s hand. “No more eating fast food and frozen dinners.”

And that’s how it began. The crazy grocery lists, the printed recipes scattered about the kitchen, and her cooking—or should I say burning?—exotic dinners. After last night’s near fire fiasco, Mom decided, to our relief, to order our dinners from Healthy Meals Delivered.

“It’s the perfect solution,” Mom said.