Her forehead creased quickly, then vanished, like she had a thought she wanted to rid herself of. I tilted my head, waiting to see if she would say it, but she didn’t. Whatever it was vanished as fast as it came. I wrapped my arms around her and she rested her head on my chest.
That was why I took off from work. Why I made this standing appointment. Not for the sex or the orgasms or seeing her fantastic body—but this, the ending, the little period after where we laid close in a quiet house—just the two of us.
4
Heaven
A few weeks later I was standing in Amber’s new house, in her new kitchen, drinking wine out of her new glasses. Cardboard boxes were stacked around the house, marked and labeled, most still unpacked. The move was quick—within days of graduation. Ginger found a job in town working at a physical therapy clinic near the university, and Amber started her full-time job of trying to be a mom.
On the counter in front of us was a list of compatible donors.
“You’re so lucky,” she said, glancing down at the list. “You don’t have to worry about finding the right sperm donor for your kids. You’ve got four perfect guys in your life.”
Her statement surprised me and I fumbled for an appropriate response, but none came, so I drank instead.
“I mean, not only are they all smart, ridiculously good-looking, loyal, kind, and generous, you’ve got two high-level athletes and two hard-working businessmen.” She glanced up from her list where she had made a notation by one of the options. “Sure, on paper this guy is a good fit, but is he an Anderson Thompson? A Hayden Pierce?” She snorts. “Not a chance.”
“Well,” I started, trying to assure her. “It’s not like they’re not without flaws. Anderson hates change and is stubborn as hell. Hayden pushes himself too hard—obviously. Oliver works all the time—he’s obsessed with making his business perfect.”
“And Jackson?”
I laughed, thinking about the handsome, charming, sexy-as-hell Jackson. “Okay, you’ve got me there. I’m not sure he has a flaw.”
“Can someone be too cute and charming?” she asked.
I picked up the list and read down the attributes. Each had a number and then a description, height, weight, education. I was overwhelmed just reading it. I couldn’t imagine having to actually choose so
meone.
“I guess you have other problems, though.”
I frowned. “Me? What kind of problems?”
Amber leaned her elbows on the counter. “Problems like, when you decide to have kids, which guy will be the dad? And will the others be upset? Or will you all have different parenting styles. I mean, it’s not like you haven’t struggled getting on the same page before.” She shrugged and picked up the list. “I’m sure you’ve thought of all that.”
I hadn’t. Not really. My thoughts on not having kids were completely different—more Heaven-related, if anything.
“I guess it’s a good thing it’s not an issue.”
She looked up at me. “Why not?”
I hesitate, as if knowing once I said the words I couldn’t take them back. She noticed and frowned. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“It’s just that…I’m not planning on having kids. Ever.”
Her eyes grew big. “You don’t want kids?”
Want was a tricky word—at least for me. It always had been.
“I like kids. I just don’t think it’s something I want to take on.” Amber still looked concerned. “Look, I’m happy for you guys, really happy, and I can’t wait to be the totally cool aunt for your kid one day, but personally, I’m not interested in bringing a kid into this world—well really, my world.”
“Because of your relationship?”
“Because of a million things, our unconventional relationship being the least of my concerns.”
Amber eyed me skeptically. She knew there was something I wasn’t telling her. “Enlighten me. Really. I want to know.”
I felt that familiar swell of anxiety in my chest when asked something personal. I’d never liked it, but I knew Amber was someone I could trust, so I pushed through. “I’m not sure someone with my history needs to have kids. I still take medication—would I have to stop? Change? Things are going well right now. I don’t want to mess with that.”