“Okay, but—”
I kept going. “The anxiety and depression is bad enough, but the suicide attempt? God, how would I explain that to a kid? And what if they’re the same? What if I pass those issues on to them?”
Her expression turned sympathetic and she reached for my hand. “Heaven, you’re a fantastic, smart, strong woman. Don’t let those fears keep you from something like this.”
“Why not? My fears have always dominated my decision-making. I try not to let it but it’s just who I am.” I felt the sting of tears in the corner of my eyes and stubbornly wiped them away.
“Have you told the guys how you feel?”
I shake my head. “No. I will. If it comes up.”
She sighed and picked up her glass of wine and took a long drink. “It’s your choice, obviously. Not everyone has to have kids any more than any other decision. I just want you to make the right one for you—based on want, not fear.”
“That’s the thing,” I told her. “I’m happy the way things are. We all have amazing jobs, a beautiful home, a new dog—which is almost more responsibility than we can handle. She’s a mess.”
“Just because I’m making this decision right now doesn’t mean you have to also. This baby is something Ginger and I really want. We’re ready. You aren’t there yet, if you ever will be. I respect that.”
And that was why Amber and I were friends. We were different, we’d always been, but we also had each other’s backs.
“I hope you’re religiously taking your birth control pills.”
I made a face. “Obviously. In fact, I just started a new one.” She looked at me imploringly. I shrugged. “I was getting a lot of headaches. I thought they were from the bronchitis but the doctor thought maybe it was the pills. There was no reason not to switch it up.”
“Good. You know that’s one thing I don’t have to stress about; accidental pregnancies. I mean, you can’t get more organized than this.” She pointed to the notebook. “Do you ever get worried?”
“I used to because I was worried about how my parents would handle it—or how it would derail my life, but it’s been years now and it seems really unlikely.”
She laughed. “You guys fuck like bunnies—there’s no way you’re not testing the chances.”
She was right. We did have sex a lot and there were a few scares over the years, but none that lasted more than a day. I was pretty regular. I didn’t say what I really thought. That maybe the gods and fate knew I shouldn’t be a mother in the first place.
“I’m really glad you moved back,” I said, ready to switch the subject.
“Me too, there’s no way I could do this mom thing without you.”
I took the list from her and start going over the names again, trying to look through an objective eye. It was hard, though. Like Amber said, when you have four perfect guys in your life, it was a challenge finding anyone better.
5
Jackson
I aimed the cue ball at the green- and white-striped ball on the left side of the table, lining it up with the stick. Hayden grumbled about how long it was taking, a method I’d perfected years before, knowing it made him nuts. When I was ready I knocked the white ball with just enough force to nail the green striped one into the corner pocket. Hayden groaned and I smiled. I loved playing pool against my friend. There were few games I could beat him at, and pool happened to be one of them.
“Any idea where everyone else is tonight?” he asked, watching me line up my next shot.
“Oliver’s down in Oceanside checking on construction. Anderson’s at some fundraiser his manager made him go to, and I think Heaven went for a run with Sadie.”
“Another run? She went this morning, too.” He followed that up with a laugh because I missed my shot. I waited for him to take his turn.
“The dog has a lot of energy.”
“So does Heaven, but two runs in a day isn’t like her, especially when she just got over bronchitis. I noticed she did it on Monday, too.”
I leaned against my pool stick. “What are you saying? You think her anxiety is increasing?”
He aimed and shot, the balls clacking together. One sunk in. It was a miracle. He smiled at his success. He stopped to coat the tip of his cue with chalk. “Maybe. It’s happened before. Maybe things are stressful at work or she’s nervous about Amber moving back or something.”
“She’s also still on those steroids the doctor gave her. I think they make her jittery.”