“Take your time.” He kissed my forehead.
Together we walked into the house, the dilemma still hovering over us like a dark cloud, but less urgent and panic-inducing all the same. The hard part was knowing I couldn’t escape from this conversation. We would be having it and sooner rather than later, I would know exactly where my decisions would place me with the Allendale Four.
15
Oliver
It had been a long time since we’d had any sort of major argument or disagreement among the five of us. We’d been coasting on a honeymoon phase for quite a while, so I guess it was reasonable for a blip to come up between us. But damn, who knew that blip would be so big.
After Heaven bolted and ran to Amber’s, she came back and spoke with Anderson. We all slept on our own that night, giving her space, and in the morning she looked a little better. Jackson forced me to stay home and did the same with the others. When she walked out of her room, he said, “Come on. We’re going to the Diner,” and for once, she didn’t argue.
Now we sat in our regular spots in the circular booth in the back, mounds of food on the table. We’d long ago found the best way to order. Big stacks of pancakes, piles of scrambled eggs, a huge plate of bacon. We each took what we wanted, sharing from the middle of the table. We all ate less pancakes now than we did in our teens, but everyone still ate an impressive amount of food, while Heaven sat with her two pancakes, small scoop of eggs, and two slices of bacon.
Some things never changed.
“Sorry about my meltdown yesterday,” she says after swallowing a mouthful of food. “I think I’d been stressing about this for a while and I just kind of blew up.”
“Don’t apologize, babe,” Hayden replied, intentionally looking at Anderson. “We all have our moments.”
“I know, but that was an epic moment, at least for me, and totally out of line.” She glanced at Jackson. “You didn’t say anything wrong. I’ve just been feeling sensitive.”
I squeezed her thigh under the table, hoping she understood how much we supported her. Her hand lowered over mine and she squeezed back.
“Anderson said we could all talk separately or together. I’m fine with either—or both. But I want to be clear on my feelings with us all together so that nothing gets lost.”
Hayden put down his fork and Anderson waited patiently.
“Amber announcing she wanted a baby totally threw me. It just hadn’t been on my radar, other than just my own vague feelings I’d had for a long time. But she made me realize we’re at that age where we have to think about things like this. It’s no longer in the way-off future but around the corner, and that freaked me out.” She inhaled and took a moment to sip her coffee. “The truth is that I don’t think I can have kids—physically, yes—emotionally…I don’t know. With my mental health background, my family drama, and my general distrust of people outside our circle, I just don’t feel like it’s the right thing to do.” She looked at each of us. “Add in our unconventional relationship, I’m not even sure how it would work.”
If one thing had been a constant in our lives, it was Heaven over-thinking everything. This was clearly no different. Her feelings were valid, but also off-base. The hard part was telling her this without undermining her reasoning.
Each person at the table had on a game-face. Not one of the guys was revealing any emotion, although I knew they probably felt like I did, warring emotions between my love for Heaven, my desire to protect and make her happy, and then the absolute, primal need to make her a mother.
“I guess what I need you to think about, really think about, is will this be a deal-breaker for any of you?” she said in a quiet voice. “And don’t tell me now. I don’t want any fast answers. I just want you to be true to yourself and to what we have together.”
“You got it, babe,” Hayden said, throwing his arm around her shoulder. Jackson nodded and winked, not needing to say a word. I laced my fingers with hers under the table, holding on tight. She may have thought she’s going to push us away—me away—but there was no chance in hell that was happening.
She looked at Anderson. “You okay with this?”
“Yeah, I’m okay if you are.”
There was no doubt Heaven was struggling, but no more than in the past. We could get through this—she would get through it—but the bigger question was, would we get through it together?
16
Heaven
“I’m headed out for a run,” I told the guys. They were focused on the TV screen and a baseball game. Hayden glanced up, eyeing the red leash in my hands and Sadie circling my feet. I reached down and scratched her head.
“This late?”
“Sadie’s going crazy. We skipped our morning run because it was raining.” I didn’t normally run after dark, but it had been raining all day and the dog wasn’t the only one restless.
“It’s not raining now? You know you’ve had that cough. Are you sure you should be running?
“It’s let up and I f
eel fine.”