I didn’t know what to expect that night when I got home. Maybe the four of them waiting in the living room, ready to talk. Maybe they were still playing video games, the entire thing part of my paranoia and imagination. When I pushed through the back gate, Sadie got excited and raced ahead. Anderson was stretched out on the patio couch, feet dangling from the edge, book in hand.
Sadie rushed to him, giving him affection—too much, probably—by shoving her nose in his face.
“Hey, girl,” he said, scratching under her chin. He sat up, eyes landing on me. “Hey, you.”
“Hi.”
He swung his legs around and placed his feet on the ground, still petting the dog. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I spent the afternoon with Amber.”
He nodded. “Did you eat? Oliver made dinner.”
“I had some food at her place.”
Space stretched between us and I saw the tight clench of his jaw—the one that meant he was thinking hard. “About earlier...”
“That was me being weird.”
“I don’t think so, Heaven. I think it was about something you’re not telling us.” He leaned back against the cushion and Sadie took that as an invitation to jump in his lap. He grunted when her paws landed in his lap. “Come talk to me.”
My first instinct was to run but that was stupid--pointless, really. I walked across the patio and sat in the chair adjacent to the couch. “I’ve been struggling a little since Amber told me she wanted a baby, and even more so since she announced she’s pregnant.”
“Why is it bothering you so much?”
“Because it made me think about myself—about us—and what I want and what you guys want for the future and how I’m not sure that’s the same thing.”
“I admit that we’ve never talked about it. I guess it just seemed far away and then there was that time we weren’t together.” He ran his hand through his hair. “But yeah, it’s something we should discuss.”
“I guess so.”
“Well tell me, Heaven Reeves, do you want kids?”
I looked up at Anderson’s face—the face I’d been in love with since I was thirteen years old. I wanted to tell that face yes, because part of me wanted that to be true. Did I want to carry his baby? Any of their babies? God, yes. I wanted that connection, that bond. But all of it fell away when I thought about what I was bringing to the table—I’m not a genetically superior athlete or confident business person. I’m a girl with a million problems and a shit-ton of baggage.
None of that came out.
“I don’t know. I mean, I don’t think so. I’m not sure.”
“Okay.” He nodded slowly. “You know we don’t have to decide today, but it’s still something to discuss.”
“What about you,” I asked. “Do you want kids?”
His eyes blazed and they held mine. “I’m not going to lie to you, Heaven. I do want kids and I’ve always—I mean, always—assumed you would be the mother of my child.”
My eyes filled with tears. That was the one reality with Anderson. He was always truthful and earnest. “I’m sorry.”
“Hey,” he said, standing and walking over to me. He pulled me off the chair and wrapped his arms around me. “Don’t apologize. I made an assumption and that’s on me. First and foremost, I want you in my life. Everything else is icing. Got it?”
I shook my head. “You deserve everything you want, icing included.”
He wrapped his arms around me and I felt safe close to him. “Can we talk about this a little more? Figure out our feelings on it. It’s not something we can just toss out there and run from.”
I knew in my heart he was right. I also felt the insecurities in my mind, unraveling at the idea. I didn’t argue it though, knowing there was no getting out of this one.
“You let me know how you want to handle this. We can talk about it together or separately. Whatever you want to do.”
I sniffed and wiped my face. “Okay. Let me think on it.”