That was before I knew the truth about how much Seth had suffered during the home invasion that killed his parents. Or that he’d been left in the care of a woman on a spiraling mental decline.
By the time we arrived at the ferry terminal, there was already a line but Seth had timed it perfectly and the line of cars began moving onto the ferry minutes later. True to his word, Seth bought me a cup of coffee and we stood at the railing near the front of the slow moving ferry and watched the mainland come into sight as the sun began its morning ascent. We didn’t speak, but I couldn’t help but notice how right it felt to be standing there next to Seth. It would have been so natural to move just a little bit closer to him so our bodies were touching but I managed to stay where I was.
Friends.
Something I desperately needed but wasn’t anywhere near what I wanted to be with this man. But it was all I could give him. And it was all I could take from him.
Seth’s driving was even worse once we got off the ferry and into heavier traffic but I held my tongue. As mentally mature as Seth was and as grown up (and hot) as he looked in his crisp navy business suit, there were a lot of areas of life that he’d been deprived of any kind of normalcy and driving was one of them. And it had to be made a hundred times worse by the anxiety he felt about leaving the safety of his home. It wasn’t until he’d pulled his car into his space in the parking garage of his building that he relaxed, but only marginally. It was tough to see Seth struggle with tasks that everyone else, myself included, took for granted and part of me felt a shimmer of anger at Trace for him choosing his own needs over his brother’s. As much as I’d loved Trace, I’d struggled to accept his inability to see beyond his own needs. Since I’d been more than happy to not have to share too much about my own past, Trace’s lack of sensitivity hadn’t bothered me overly much, but knowing the pain his choices had caused his younger brother was hard to stomach.
As we rode the elevator to the office, I glanced at Seth and noticed a slight tremor in his frame. But as soon as the door opened, he pasted a slightly too big smile on his mouth and began greeting people as he made his way through a set of glass doors. The receptionist greeted him and it was strange to hear her referring to him as Mr. Nichols.
It took less than a minute to reach Seth’s office but once he’d closed the door behind us, his whole body seemed to sag in relief. A pang of guilt went through me at my part in this – if I hadn’t been blinded by my own grief and hatred, I would have been able to stop Seth from suffering such an extreme level of anxiety brought on just by merely being in the presence of less than a handful of people. Since it was still relatively early in the morning and he was the boss, I presumed his day would only get harder as he had to deal with more and more people.
“Um, you can work over there if you want,” Seth said as he motioned to a small round table in the corner of the spacious office. “I’ll get you the password for the wireless network,” he said uneasily as he moved past me. I wondered if his nervousness had to do with the remnants of his agitation or if it was because we were once again enclosed in a small space together. Not that Seth’s office was all that small, but somehow it seemed like no room we were ever in together was big enough to lessen the heat that simmered between us. Even as electric as my chemistry with Trace had been, it was never as all-consuming as this. Guilt went through me at the thought. I’d loved Trace with everything I was but I couldn’t deny my almost crippling need for Seth.
Comparing the two men was wreaking havoc on my already worn out mind so I went to the table and dug my laptop out of the small leather bag Trace had given to me years earlier on my birthday – my first birthday with him and the first gift I’d gotten in a long time. Until I’d spent Christmas with Trace’s family…then the gifts had flowed like water. A then thirteen-year-old Seth had given me a beautiful ball point pen that he’d had engraved with my name. He’d been embarrassed by the low cost, low quality item as compared to the expensive watch Trace had given me but I’d been touched by the gesture. I’d asked Trace to return the watch since I rarely wore one. I still had the pen Seth had given me.