Choosing Fate (Love in Eden 1.70)

With that thought in mind, I began fumbling with his pants. It wasn't until Zander whispered, "Shhh, it's okay sweetheart, I'm not going anywhere" that I realized I’d become frantic. Zander's hands had moved to hold my face. I felt like a fool for my behavior, but if it bothered Zander, he didn't show it. He kept whispering reassurances in my ear as he kissed my temple, my cheek, my jaw, my throat.

His gentleness helped bring me down enough that I was able to catch my breath and calm myself. When I tried again to get his zipper undone, my fingers finally seemed to start working. I slid my hand inside his jeans and marveled at the sheer size of him. Since I really didn't have much to go on, I had no clue if he was average or more than that, but admittedly, it made me a bit nervous. Sex with Jackson had always been fine and he'd never hurt me, but it hadn't exactly been the most comfortable experience of my life. And since Jackson hadn't seemed overly interested in sex either, it just hadn't been a priority in our relationship.

Self-doubt began to creep through my veins as I considered what Zander was probably expecting, especially from a woman who’d been married. I also didn’t look the same as I had when I’d been in my twenties. I'd had a baby and there were just certain parts of a woman's body that didn't recover from that. What if I disgusted Zander? What if I didn't move the right way or say the right things? What if I touched him and he lost interest like Jackson always seemed to?

"Joli, look at me," Zander said, his voice firm, commanding.

Looking him in the eye was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. "I'm fine," I blurted when I saw the concern in his gaze.

He actually frowned and I knew I'd messed this whole thing up. I wanted to cry with both regret and relief. At least I'd gotten a nice memory out of all of this. And I'd probably saved myself from the greatest of humiliations.

"I'm sorry," I said as I tried to climb off him at the same time that I reached for my shirt so I could pull it down. But his hand closed around my arm, preventing me from moving. His other hand grabbed the one I was trying to use to cover myself with as I attempted to tug the fabric down.

"What exactly are you sorry for?" Zander asked. His hold on me was firm but gentle.

I shook my head because what was I supposed to say? I'm sorry I’m not pretty enough? Or experienced enough?

"If you don't want this… me… then you tell me that and this whole thing ends here and now. But make sure that's the reason, Joli, because I'm not accepting anything less than that."

His voice was firm and unrelenting. In fact, he almost seemed angry. Not like how Ted had gotten angry with me for supposedly being a tease, but a different kind of anger. Like he knew what was going through my head. Like he knew why I was about to ruin what had been a good thing between us.

"No, I do. I do want you, Zander. More than I've ever—"

I snapped my mouth shut because it seemed unkind to disparage the memory of my marriage and admit that I wanted Zander more than I’d ever wanted the young man who'd been my best friend my entire life and had given me the child I loved more than anything in this world. "It's just been a really long time for me," I finished lamely.

Zander studied me for what seemed to be the longest time, then his hand moved to the back of my neck and he pulled me down for a deep, drugging kiss. "Tell me again," he demanded against my mouth. I never would've guessed that I liked being with someone so dominant when it came to lovemaking, but every time Zander gave me an order, my desire ticked up another notch. I knew what he wanted from me and it was so damned easy to say because it was the absolute truth.

"I want you, Zander," I responded. "Want you so much it hurts," I admitted. It was true. My body ached and I knew only he could make that ache go away.

His mouth crashed against mine and then my whole body was moving as he lifted me. A moment later, a small area rug that covered the short distance between the front door and the stairs met my back. Zander's mouth stayed on mine as his weight settled between my legs. Somehow, he managed to get my shirt and bra off the rest of the way without having to break the kiss more than a few seconds.