"I guess thats what you do when youre falling and theres no way to land safely. Loves dangerous territory. "
Jamie rested her head on Elizabeths shoulder. "I think Im in love with Michael. It scares me. "
"Then youre growing up, kiddo. "
"I think Im afraid because of Grandad. I never knew that one minute you could be drinking eggnog and opening presents, and the next minute be in some horribly decorated room, picking out a box, and pretending that wood grain and brass accents matter. "
Elizabeth put an arm around Jamie and pulled her close. For a long time, she said nothing, just stroked her daughters hair the way she used to. "Your grandad wouldnt want you to be afraid. He never was. "
"Thats what I tell myself all the time. But theres a hole in me now. "
"I know, honey. But itll get easier. I promise. Youll always miss him, but after a while, the missing will be more of an ache, not so sharp a wound. "
"He wanted me to swim in the Olympics. Thats all he talked about at Christmas. And I cant even beat some girl from UVa. "
"He didnt care about the Olympics. All he cared about was you, Jaybird. He wanted you to be happy. Itd break his heart if he thought you quit swimming because of him. "
Jamie looked at her. "Can I tell you a secret?"
"Always. "
"I dont really want to quit swimming. I just wanted Dads attention. Not that I got it. "
"Hes a little crazy right now. Be patient with him. Its a big deal to have a dream come true in the middle of your life. "
"I know. I just want things to be easier, I guess. "
"Life isnt supposed to be easy, Jamie. Who cares if you discover that youll never swim the three hundred as fast as Hannah Tournilae? What matters is knowing you tried. "
"So youd still be proud of me if I stayed on the swim team but never won a race?"
"Youre fishing for compliments now. "
"What if I flunked out?"
"Are you close to flunking out?"
Jamie grinned. "Actually, no. Michaels really helped me out. I just wanted to check the parameters of your goodwill while youre all gooey. "
Quicksilver Jamie. Her moods were like the coasts weather; if you didnt like it, stick around for ten seconds. "Youre a good egg, Jamie. Now, get to bed. "
Jamie gave her a kiss on the cheek, then climbed up into bed, snuggling up beside her sister. "Gnight, Mom. I love you. "
"I love you, too. "
Elizabeth stood up and flicked off the light, then went back downstairs.
Jack had built a fire. It crackled loudly and sent spiraling, dancing gold light across the rug. He looked acutely uncomfortable, like a big man trying to negotiate his way through a tea party.
She sat down on the sofa, close but not too close.
For a long time, neither spoke. Finally she said, "I used to remind you guys endlessly about my birthday. "
"We know. " He laughed, then seemed to relax, as if hed been afraid of what shed say.
"I always thought youd forget, and I was so afraid of how Id feel if that happened. Why did I do that, Jack? Why did I assume I was so unimportant?"
He faced her. There was a sadness in his eyes that she hadnt often seen. "Because I would have forgotten. Not every year, not even most years, but at some point, it would have happened. Not because I didnt care, but because I never had to think for myself. You always did it for me. You were my backbone; you kept me standing. " He sighed. "And I took you for granted. "