Audition (North Security 4)

I’ve never wanted anything more than I want to climb in next to her. But I pull the covers up tight, sealing myself out. I go back to my place on the sofa. All I can do now is stand guard. Connor’s dead, but that doesn’t mean there are no other threats lurking outside. For today, at least, and tonight, I’m keeping watch.

Maybe forever.

“What are you doing out here?”

“I’m where I need to be.” The words escape without thought. “Someone has to be out here to protect you. I have to be out here.”

“You need to be in the bedroom.” Despite what she’s been through, every step is light, graceful. Weightless. “Next to me.” Bethany comes to stand in front of me. She nudges her hip against my knees. She forces her way in close. “In the bed. This is the sofa. You need to be in the bed,” she says in a soft chant. “The bed. With me.” Every word is a puncture in the distance I’m trying to keep between us.

She takes my hands in hers. “I can’t do that.” I’m so fucking tired. My life has been exhausting, and it’s spilled over in this moment. I thought loving her would crush me before. Now it’s grinding my bones to nothing.

Loving her made me weak. Now it’s made me dust.

“Yes, you can. Look at me.” I do. God, she’s beautiful. And bruised. Because I couldn’t protect her. “There’s nothing between here and the bed but an open door.”

“I know.”

“And you still think you can’t go in there with me?”

My instinct is to hold her hands tight enough to crush them. The reality of her forces me to be gentle. At least in this moment it does. “Do you know what it did to me when I found out he had you?” The feeling rushes back. Sickening. The air goes out of my lungs. “I was so fucking afraid. It ruined me.”

“You came anyway,” she says. “Connor’s dead. I’m safe.”

“You’re safe for now.” The pain is so great, the fear so strong. The threat to me so real, more than bombs or guns. I can’t have her. I can’t even be near her. “For now. And I would do anything to keep you safe.”

Only because I can’t survive the alternative.

Even in love I’m a selfish bastard.

Bethany rubs her thumb in

to the sensitive inside curve of my hand. “Is this the same fight as before?” A wry smile softens her face. “You’re afraid you’d do anything for me?” She looks down at our joined hands. “That it would be too much of a risk for a man like you?”

“No. What’s left to risk? I’m already lost.” I bury my fingers in her hair, bringing her eyes back to mine. “How the fuck will I ever live without you?”

One heartbeat and she climbs into my lap, straddling me. Her muscles are sure and strong. Her hands might be small, but they’re steady on the sides of my face. Bethany kisses the corner of my mouth. She grazes my bottom lip. Her gaze is surprisingly steady. I almost can’t meet her gaze, but I force myself to do it. “You don’t have to live without me.” With one knuckle, she taps against my breastbone. “Choose to live with me. Right now. Choose it. I won’t take no for an answer.”

Under her kiss the fear flies away, replaced with a low, burning desire. I kiss her hard. Harder. “That’s my line, sweetheart.”

I let her mouth soothe me, even as my desire rages higher. Nothing is solved, though, because no one’s ever really safe. She’ll always have a crazy brother. She’ll always have unhinged fans. How the fuck will I ever live without her?

I wasn’t lying before. She ruined me. I’m gone.

Bethany

The first thing I’m aware of in the morning is the emptiness. I’ve slept here enough nights to know when I’ve got the whole bed to myself, and I do.

Josh should be here. I can still feel the mark of him all over me.

He covered what Connor tried to do with gentle kisses. Then he fucked it out of me. He took my pleasure into his own hands, and now all I can feel is him. The horror of those hours in the dance studio are already fading. It won’t be long before I can let myself believe it was only a nightmare.

Wispy, like the suggestion of ghosts at a séance.

Not even there.

I was mistaken before, when I thought the sheets smelled like him. Now they do. I breathe him in. This is what home smells like. What safety smells like.

A shadow falls over the bed. I open my eyes.