Audition (North Security 4)

Josh stands at the side, fully dressed. A pressed suit. Not one errant wrinkle. He’s ready for…work? He looks down at me, his expression impassive.

The sun falls around him like a halo. This man is no angel. “Morning, sweetheart.” He reaches down and rubs a thumb roughly over my cheek. “You want a ride? I’d do it myself, but I have a meeting. Noah can escort you home.”

Dread tightens my stomach. “What?”

“You didn’t think we were going to play house, did you? Christ, I can see the answer on your face. That’s embarrassing. Look, we caught the guy. You’re safe now.”

My cheeks are the same temperature as the sun. Tears prick the back of my eyes. What is he doing? “I don’t understand.”

“Let me spell it out for you. You were a nice fuck. Now it’s over.”

“Bastard,” I say, barely able to squeeze out the word.

“You won’t hear me deny it.”

“Why are you saying this stuff to me?”

“Because it’s true.”

The words ring… false. They hurt me, a fresh cut oozing blood from an old, deep wound. Even knowing he’s full of shit, he can hurt me. I push myself upright on the bed. “You don’t mean that. I don’t know why you’re doing this, but I know you care about me.”

“Of course I care about you. I don’t want you dead. I don’t want you to be some crazy fucker’s little ballerina doll. I care about all women that way. That doesn’t mean we’re going to ride off into the sunset together.”

A flinch. “Stop it.”

“Stop what?” His voice is taunting.

“It’s natural to be scared. Everyone feels like that sometimes.” I feel like a PBS special, but it’s the truth. And I get the impression Josh could have used better childhood programming. We both could have. I reach for his hand.

He pulls away. “You know, I thought that might be the case. But when I woke up this morning, I realized that everything is still the same. You’re just not worth that kind of investment. No pussy is.”

Goddamn. Like I’m a piece of property in a business deal. He’s doing this on purpose, and I won’t stand for it. I won’t let him hurt me like this again.

Not when I know the truth.

I grit my teeth. “You’re lying.”

“Am I? I meant it back then, and I mean it now. Same as ever.” I see it, deep behind the green of his eyes. A flicker. A flash. Like distant heat lightning. I want to yank the storm out of him. I want to stand in it with him and let him see how it can’t really touch us. But he turns away, striding for the door. “Noah will drop you off at your place. Let him know if you need transportation in the future. He probably wouldn’t turn down a fuck for a few favors.”

Every word out of his mouth feels like a knife in my body. There’s a dull throb from the attack yesterday. Everything hurts, but nothing as badly as his cold look. I force myself to kneel on the bed, pulling the sheet around me like it’s a robe, like I’m a queen instead of a broken ballerina. “Josh. I know you’re afraid. I’m afraid, too, but I love you. You want to push me away? Fine. Consider me pushed, but I know the truth. I love you, and I think you love me, and you’re breaking my heart.”

His head cocks to the side like I’ve said something curious. Maybe something in a foreign language that he doesn’t understand. “I don’t love you,” he says.

I flinch. I’m not going to crumple in front of him. Not this time. “Maybe. But maybe you do love me. Maybe you just have to let yourself love me. Would you?” God, he could end this pain. He could end it right now. I’ve been here before. I don’t want to be here again. But I’d rather be here with him than anywhere else in the world. “Would you let yourself be this vulnerable?”

He blinks at me. And for one horrible moment I allow myself to hope.

Joshua North shakes his head.

No.

It’s more than an answer to my question. It’s a refusal of everything. Of me. Of us. Of love. It’s the last thing he does before he leaves the room, this man who’s saved me a thousand times, this man who won’t let me save him back. It’s not the violence that scares him. It never has been. It’s the certainty that he’ll lose me, that he’ll lose everyone. He’d rather walk away before it happens. He’s the bravest man I know, but in this, in love, he’s still a goddamn coward.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

“Those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

Josh