"Ty, you got this?" he asks.
Tyler nods, his eyes fixed to the dark road ahead. "I've got this," he says, but I don't believe him. His fingers twitch on the steering wheel, and his foot presses the accelerator, revving the engine so hard it screams. Fumes fill the air as he grits his teeth.
He's doing this because he needs to win at something. He needs something to go his way.
He needs to not feel guilty, even if it's for a minute of rubber-burning speed.
"You sure, Ty?" I say.
He turns his head slowly, and when his eyes meet mine, a shiver runs through me. I haven't seen him look this dark since the night Jake died. All the color in his eyes has been obliterated by the storm cloud of emotions in his heart.
"I've got nothing to lose," he says.
"That's not fucking true," Greg hisses. "You've got a whole fucking lot to lose, you hear me? You better tell me that the last statement was a fucking joke, or I'm going to yank you out of that car so fast you'll fly."
Tyler blinks slowly. "Let me do what I need to do."
Before Greg has a chance to do anything, Tyler is pulling forward, taking his place next to the asshole he's racing.
Greg swears under his breath. "I know he's a grown man, but hell, sometimes I feel like I'm taking care of a younger brother."
"I know what you mean," I say. A flash of my brother's face fills my mind. I pray for him every morning, though I don't know who I'm asking to keep him safe.
I say the same prayer now for Tyler, and when I'm done, I turn away from the road. My heart can't take watching what feels like a race of self-sabotage. "Able thinks we should go after Sandy. He thinks we should try and find her and convince her to come back. What do you think?" I ask Greg.
"That woman has a secret. You've gotta find out what's keeping her buttoned up so tight and what's stopping her from loving like I know she wants to."
"A secret."
Greg nods, and I don't question how he knows. That man has more instinct than anyone I've ever met.
The sounds of tires spinning make me jump. Tyler’s and his rival's cars screech into the distance, leaving dust and exhaust fumes and a whole bundle of worry behind them.
Andrew and Able are at the finish. They'll be the first to know if anything goes wrong. I count in my head the seconds it will take for Tyler to make it safely over the line. I count as my heart races double-time, the anticipation that his tiredness and hopelessness might damage his concentration clenching my stomach. Greg stands next to me, facing Tyler's wake. Maybe Greg has more courage than me to face up to the darkness in life. He's seen a whole lot more of the worst of humanity than all of us, and sometimes I wonder if it's permanently damaged his ability to feel.
When cheering sounds at the other end, and a message flashes on my phone from Andrew that Tyler is safe and sound, Greg turns to me. "We've got to get Sandy back," he says. "There's no alternative. There's no going back to what it was like before. Not for Tyler. Not for me."
"Not for any of us," I say, remembering Andrew's pained face at breakfast and Arden's jittery leg at lunch. We all need Sandy more than is good for us.
But isn't that what the best relationships are built on?
33
SANDY
My first night sleeping at Suzanne's, I have strange dreams of cars racing toward me with headlights so bright that it's impossible for me to make out the driver. Each time, I brace myself for impact, but the car disappears before it reaches me, and I'm left reeling from shock. I wake with sweat on my chest and a racing heart, completely unsettled.
I remember the street race that Greg and Tyler took part in. Is that where this dream has come from? Is it just a strange recollection, or is it something more? I didn't like the jittery way Tyler was when he was racing. Now I know what happened to Jake, I wonder why this is even something that Tyler is considering doing?
Doesn't he worry about losing his life as his brother did?
Is he testing fate by throwing himself down the exact pathway that ended Jake?
The thought makes me sick.
Suzanne is at work, and Sophie's at kindergarten by the time I stumble into the kitchen. I make myself a coffee and a bowl of sugary cereal and perch at the counter, trying not to let my mind wander back to another morning where I did the exact same thing.
I have two important tasks to do today. One is to polish my résumé so that I can send it out to as many recruiters and websites as possible. The other is to call Luna so that I can find out what she needs. I may have walked away from Tyler, but that doesn't mean I'll forget my promise. If this is the one thing that I can do to help Tyler and his sister, then it's what I'm going to do.