Break Me

“You’re a big guy. I thought you’d be hungry,” she says shyly.

I can’t help wondering where the vixen from the club is. I also can’t help wondering if we are both in over our heads here.

Biting into the sandwich, I smile. When was the last time someone did something simple for me like make a sandwich? My mind goes back. There isn’t a time outside of when Tatiana stayed with me. Not my mom, not Missy, and sure as fuck not my dad.

I realize how late it is, so I take my plate back to the kitchen.

Lorraine seems on edge as she checks every window and door. Needing to connect with her, I take her by the hand.

“Breathe, angel. Let’s get you to bed, and I’ll make sure everything is secure before I leave.”

Her eyes grow wide in fear, but she stomps it down.

Hand in hand, I guide her to the basement room. The two fur balls she has for pets follow us down like they are more than ready to settle in for the night.

Her eyes give too much away as she looks at me. The fear shows. The years of pushing her body beyond its limit show. The fatigue of too many unknowns shows.

I run my hands through my hair as I look around the space. There’s not much here, but I can make it work.

“Get to bed, angel. I’ll be here to watch over you while you sleep.”

Her eyes grow wide.

“I’ll be in the chair, not your bed.”

She isn’t ready for that, and I have too many questions that need answers before I can let myself go there again. I’m in over my head; she’s been in over her head for more time than I’m sure she cares to think about. I need to walk away, but every time I look in her angel eyes, I’m drawn to stay. Those eyes keep me wanting more than I’ve ever wanted in my entire life.

Timidly, she climbs into the bed. It’s after two in the morning, so she should be as exhausted as I am or more so.

The two cats climb in beside her as if they can finally rest, too, and I make my way to the recliner in the corner and sit. I don’t close my eyes. I don’t settle my mind. I allow my body to find its rest. I calm my heart rate and slow my breathing. What I don’t do is sleep.

It’s not long before she starts tossing and turning. Her words are incomprehensible until she wails, “I’m sorry, so sorry. Heidi, I’m sorry. Mom, Dad, don’t be dead.” She is screaming and all twisted in the sheets.

Getting up, I move to the bed. I don’t touch her. I have had enough of my own nightmares to know not to touch her.

“You’re okay, angel. It’s okay.” I try to bring her out of it.

She sits up with a jolt, and I move back to avoid her hitting me with her head. Her breathing is too fast, and she is covered in a sheen of sweat.

“Calm down, angel. It was a bad dream.”

Her wild eyes shine in the darkness. “If only that were true . . .”

If only it were true . . . Regardless, I can’t take that kind of pain away.

“You need to rest.”

“You should go.” She looks to the door instead of at me.

I slide my shoes off and climb into bed beside her. She looks at me with her hair a mess and surprise in her eyes, but she doesn’t tell me to stop. I wrap my arms around her and pull her close. She doesn’t relax. She doesn’t fall asleep. If anything, she seems wound more tightly.

We lie together in the dark with both our minds in thought. Hers is most likely on her loss, and my mind runs wild with what to do next.

“Angel,” I say, and she sits up to look at me. “You can’t sleep. I can’t sleep.”

She gasps. “I’m not having sex with you. I barely know you.”

I laugh even though I know she’s the woman from the club. If this is what she needs right now, so be it. “That is a better idea than the one I have.”

“Oh,” she says shyly.

“Let’s work out.”

“Huh?”

“Look, we don’t know each other well. I know more about you from the fucking Internet instead of from your lips, but it’s okay. I have a hell of my own to live, and when I can’t turn my mind off, I run.”

“You want me to run with you? You don’t want to have sex?”

“Oh, angel, I want to fuck you. I am a man.” As much as I shouldn’t want to fuck her, I do. As much as I should walk away, I don’t. Instead, I tell her exactly what I think in the moment. “I will fuck you, but not right now. Your head’s not there.”