Break Me

I sit up, taking her with me. Then she surprises me when she follows me out of the bed. I grab my shoes and head to the door.

At the top of the basement stairs, she hesitates. I take her by the hand and guide her out into the space of her kitchen.

“I-I,” she stammers as she fights to get her breathing under control. “I don’t go out at night.”

I want to call bullshit, but now is not the time. My body is already amped up to feel the burn through my muscles.

“Angel, you’re not alone.” I kiss the top of her head and pull her into me. “You feel me? You feel me here with you? No more fighting the darkness alone. I’m here. Right. Here. With. You.”

She nods against me.

Giving her a moment to get her breathing under control, I simply hold her. When she is steady, I separate us, and then we head to the back door.

Sliding on my shoes, I realize I’m still in my club clothes. Not only do I desperately need a shower, but this is not ideal for a workout. Well, it will slow me down so that maybe she can keep up.

Silently, we pound the pavement together. The steady thumping of our feet is in sync with each step of our jog, becoming its own lullaby of sorts. It’s not long before she is breathing heavily but steadily and seems to have worked out some of what is going on in that beautiful head of hers. My feet ache from the tight confines of my shoes, and I swear my pants are ready to bust at the strain of my oversized thighs stretching as my muscles move.

When we slow, I look to see the sun rising. I can’t stop the laugh that erupts from me.

Lorraine looks at me as if I’m as crazy as she is.

“What?” I hold my hand to my chest in mock offense. “I’ve never seen the sunrise with a woman before.”

I haven’t, not like this. Sure, I have taken women to bed and woken up with them, but never have I spent the morning on a run and watched the sun come up on a new day and a new beginning with a woman before.

“It’s not my thing.”

“You’re a good man, Jason.”

I tip her chin to make her eyes meet mine. “Angel, the only good thing about me is right in front of my face. I’m a monster inside, and you should know that.”

Something I have seen too many times before flashes in her eyes—challenge.

Frustration grows inside me. Like a parasite, it latches on, and I feel the tightening in my chest.

“I don’t see a monster.”

My tone is sharp as I hold myself back. “Men like me don’t change. Evil is in my veins.”

“Then why bust through my door to save me? Why take me to the hospital? Why get me out of my self-made prison to see the dawn of a new day? If you’re so bad, why be so . . . good?”

I trace my finger over her jawline. There is trepidation in her eyes, but the challenge remains firm. “There is no good inside of me. There is in you. I’m here for you, though not because I’m some knight in shining armor. Angel, you’ve gotta know, don’t ever try to fix a man, especially one like me. You can’t tame the beast inside me.”

She thinks for a moment, her eyes glistening with a pain from long ago. “I may not be able to tame the beast inside of you. I may not be able to beat back the darkness in your depths, Jason. I may not be able to fix myself, and I know I can’t fix anyone else, but maybe I can help you fight back, kind of like you are with me right now.”

Never have I thought about someone fighting for me. The frustration I was feeling, the anger that was building from her challenge, changes. New thoughts invade my mind.

Could I fight back, put the evil inside of me at bay?

I would like to hope so, but I know reality is nowhere near as nice as fiction.

I pull my hand from her chin and notice how large my fingers look against her pale skin. These hands have brought pain. These hands have brought death. These hands are tainted with more darkness than anyone could ever understand.

“There’s no help for me. I’m not sure I want it.” I turn away from her and start the jog back to her home. I need to breathe, and I need the exertion. I need to push myself to the limit. I need to get away from her before she really starts to think she can save me.

She falls in step beside me, and then we head back to her house. She stops when I do and doesn’t go any farther. She steps closer to me like I am some kind of armor for her. Then she looks up at me with lost eyes, and I know damn well I have to get her inside at the very least.