Break Me

Everyone should.

Two years after their deaths, Lo remembered overhearing our parents talking about an argument with the city council about some error in accounting. Dad was angry they weren’t looking into it. He said something about a three-hundred-thousand-dollar discrepancy. Mom told him he had done his job, and it was up to them to take action. She also told him she wanted him to try not to make waves since retirement was on the horizon, and she couldn’t wait for them to retire and move east, closer to her parents.

I put on my gloves, pulling them down and flexing my fingers inside for the best fit. Then I pull the gun—the Glock—from my bag and hold it in my hand. I don’t think about the repercussions to Jason. I only think of a solution to my past. The more time that passes the more I need to have closure. Desperation is a strong emotion. Its heavy steel looks large in my hand. It is large, but from the way he told me—her to hold it, I know I can handle it.

I am strong.

I see two cars pull in one behind the other. I immediately recognize them. Charlotte and Waters.

I knew it; I feel an emotion swell. Pride maybe. The fact that these three are meeting together outside of the office is highly suspicious.

“Good enough,” I say out loud and look down at the gun. “It’s time to end this.”

The passenger side door swings open, and I hold the gun up, pointing it at whoever is coming for me.

When I see green, angry eyes, my hand shakes.

“Don’t!” I scream.

He reaches out and snatches the gun from my trembling hands. “What the fuck are you doing?”

I turn away from his enraged eyes, unable to answer him.

“Lo, I asked you a goddamn question.”

“Hi! Hi, not Lo.”

“The fuck you are,” he snaps before he gets out of the car, storms around it, opens my door, and leans in. “Move over.”

I don’t move.

“Now!”

I scramble over the console to the passenger seat, and he gets in the driver’s side and adjusts the seat. Then he starts the car and throws it in drive.

As soon as the tires hit the road, his head whips around, and he yells at me, “You have some explaining to do!”

I don’t say a word.

“I’m not fucking playing, Lo. I gave you everything last night. I gave you everything I had, and you can’t even give me a word.”

“Hi! Not Lo!” I scream, then raise my knees to my chest, burying my face in them.

“No!” He smashes his fist on the dashboard. “She’s dead, dammit! She’s fucking dead, Lo. You’re here. You’re here, and I need you to tell me what the fuck is going on so I can help you!”

When I don’t say anything in response, he leaves me alone. I know I’m irrational but I can’t tell him because I’m not sure.

“My fucking car is at the riverside at that little café. Grab it for me?” I assume he’s talking into his phone, but I don’t look. Then he says nothing.

When I was little and afraid, I kept my eyes closed, becoming invisible to the world. I did it when I was in trouble for something, too. It sucks to know I’m not invisible. It sucks to know I again have disappointed him, made him angry. As fucked up as this all is, though, I want him to believe I am Heidi. I wish he would believe it like I make myself believe it.

I look up when he slows down. We are at his apartment building.

Home, I think and my heart aches.

“You can’t park here. You just can’t.”

“The fuck I can’t,” he hisses.

I start to open the door, but he grabs me. “I swear to God, you’re pushing me, Lo. You’re fucking pushing me on purpose.”

“I can’t let anyone see this car! I can’t, or I won’t be safe. You won’t be safe!” I use this car when I am Hi.

“Jesus Christ,” he hisses, putting the car back in drive and passing the building. “Where the fuck is your car, Lo, and what the hell are you doing?”

“The same place it was when you followed me the night you saved me,” I whisper.

Now I cry for him and what I am doing to him.

He holds my purse in one hand and my hand in the other as we walk off the elevator, not exchanging words since we dropped off the car and got mine. He pulls me behind him and opens the door.

As soon as I’m inside, I look down and see both Boots and Socks walking toward me. I drop to my knees and pet them. Socks purrs the loudest. I scoop him up and hug him tight.

He is growing comfortable here. He is happy here, and I know I am not going to be welcome soon.